Until love happens to me

K...so I'm trying to cheer up. Trying to get out of this icky place I've been in.

And I get a call.

Yep...another engagement.

Now, please, please, please don't get me wrong. I'm so happy for them. They are two very beautiful people, two very deserving people and I'm so, so glad that they found each other. I knew they'd end up together long before either of them knew it, and I'm so happy that they're in love and engaged...

BUT...I can't help thinking, when is it my turn?

Now, in all honesty, if I was just looking for a ring, I could have had that by now, but it's not just the ring I want. I want it all. I want the butterflies and the giggles and the comfort and even the hard times...because I know that with my guy, even the not so good times will be special and loving and will help make us stronger...

But until then, I wait...and I wonder...and I wish on stars and throw pennies in wishing wells. I cross my fingers on every first date and say a little prayer before he picks me up, because I want him to be The One. I want him to be my Prince Charming.

And I guess I'll keep doing that until love happens to me.

Un-lost

I just want to cry.

No, wait...I don't want to cry. I don't want to cry ever again.

I want to never feel anything again...or at least for a little while.

And I know...you don't have to remind me...I realize that if I block out the bad emotions, I block out the good ones, too. But honestly folks, the good ones have been few and far between lately.

Mom, if you read this...this doesn't make me depressed or bipolar or whatever else Dr. Phil might say I am.

I'm just fed up.

I don't want to be this way. I want to quit faking happiness and feel it.

So the question is why am I unhappy?

Because I'm not satisfied in any part of my life.

Because I feel so alone I can't stand it.

Because I don't know where I'm headed and I sure as hell don't know how to get there.

I'm insecure, I'm sad, I'm impatient, I'm fussy, I'm ready to quit, I'm lonely, I'm hurt, I'm not enough...I'm lost...

And I don't know how to be un-lost...

Until the circus comes to town

That's it.
I quit.

Remember when I talked about running away to the circus? I mean it this time.

I want out.

This isn't fair. I'm standing here stomping my foot and getting nothing.

Someone please tell me why in the hell I attract the freaks that I attract. Is there a sign on my forehead that says "Make a Fool out of THIS Girl"!?!?!? Or how about, "Nice Girl-Screw Her Over-She'll Like It...A LOT!!"

Where have all the cowboy's gone? And yes, I'm aware that that's a song...but really....where IS my John Wayne? Where's the guy that's gonna sweep in...whisk me away...and mean every word he says to me? Does that happen? Is that for real? Becuase, while I know that not all men suck...the majority of the ones I encounter do...make it stop.

I'm serious. Someone give me the secret to relationship success. Someone tell me where my prince charming is, cuz I'm tired of looking.

I'm going into hibernation until the circus comes to town...then I'm outta here...

I'm

I'm restless.

I don't know where I'm going...and even if I did, I'm not sure I'd know how to get there.

I'm antsy.

I want what I want and dammit I want it now.

I'm impatient.

I want to know how my fairy tale ends...hell...I just want to know if I HAVE a fairy tale.

I'm scared.

I'm not sure I know how to date...how to fall in love...how to open up again, and I'm not sure I want to.

I'm tired.

I'm tired of reluctantly getting my hopes up just to have them come crashing down in a burning heap at my feet.

I'm unhappy.

Well, only slightly...but I don't know how to fix it.

I'm feeling so many emotions and I have no idea what to do with them. I don't know which ones are ones I can fix and which ones I just have to deal with and get through.

I'm lost.

You didn't raise a feminist, daddy

So, I might have had a minor crying episode yesterday. But let me tell you why, I'm sure you'll understand.

As much as C pretends to hate me, I'm pretty sure there's deep love in there somewhere, because yesterday he informed me that there was a knot on my front passenger tire. And I'm truly thankful to C, because I never look at my tires...especially not the passenger ones.

So, anyway, I call daddy.

After we determine that my spare isn't a full-size tire, daddy tells me to go get a new one.
But that's all Daddy tells me.

Go get a new tire.

Sure, that sounds easy enough.

So I head into a tire store...a well known one...and this vertically challenged Don Juan wanna be decides I'm his next customer.

Yay.

He tells me that apparently my car needs an uncommon tire size and quotes me a price just shy of my first-born child...even my limited tire knowledge tells me that this isn't a great price. And besides, Don Juan's mini me is kinda freaking me out.

So, I step outside and call daddy and relay all of this information to him.

He makes me repeat myself several times and concludes Don Juan and his cronies are trying to hose the cute girl looking for a tire.

And then daddy starts asking questions I didn't know I needed answers to. Apparently my precious papa forgot that, even though I'm a super cool chick who loves football and hunting and what-not, tires aren't exactly my specialty.

So daddy tells me to leave the mean tire place and he'll try to find me a new one.

Great. Except that he's four hours away from me and according to the tire experts I talked to, having a knot on your tire and continuing to drive is a little hazardous.

So I start calling around and find AJ at another tire store.

AJ is amazing.

AJ doesn't have my tire, but he says he'll order it for me. And when I go see AJ about getting my new tire, he is genuinely concerned for my safety (and super adorable, by the way) and reminds me several times to drive safely and watch the wounded tire until he can get my new one here.

So then I call daddy again. And tell him all this. And he can tell that I'm fussy, but he doesn't understand why.

So I explain it to him.

I'm all alone here. And I need a male person to help me do this boy stuff. I don't know what the mean tire people mean when they say certain things, I don't know the right questions to ask, I don't know the right people to see...I just don't know a damned thing about tires.

And daddy says that this is how he's teaching me. He says I'm an independent career woman and that I'm learning to be self-sufficient and blah blah blah.

And I tell daddy that's not what I want. I don't want to be an independent career woman. I want someone to take care of me. I want someone to go get my damned tire for me when the one I have breaks. I want someone to chase away the mean tire people and take care of all of that boy stuff for me.

"After all," I say, "you didn't raise a feminist, daddy."

I'm guilty

I'm guilty.

I've been giving relationship advice to others, believing with all my heart that what I'm telling them is true...and I haven't been practicing my own good medicine.

So yes, my friends, I'm guilty.

I'm guilty of worrying about things that I can't change.

I'm guilty of asking "what if" one too many times.

I'm guilty of asking why, of demanding too much information...or at least wanting to...I try to keep pretty good tabs on that one.

I'm guilty of waiting for the phone to ring and being heartbroken when it doesn't.

I'm guilty of breaking rules...and sometimes hearts ;)

I'm guilty of being insecure, confused and sometimes a little lost.

I'm guilty of knowing what I should do, and doing the exact opposite.

So, really, you'd think by now I'd learn. I've witnessed my relationship issues and the relationship issues of my friends...and as an outsider, it all seems so clear. The answers are black and white, but when it's me...when it's my emotions on the line...it gets a little fuzzy...and I'm trying to fix it, I swear I am...it's just a little difficult, because when I want something, I want it now...

So, yeah, I'm guilty...lock me away...

I hung the moon, but does it look crooked to you?

I hung the moon.

On October 2, 1982, I hung the moon.

If you don't believe me, just ask my parents.

To them, I am perfect. And I don't mean perfect as in flawless. No, they recognize my flaws...in fact, they're usually the first ones to point them out to me. But they're also the first ones to help correct them...or at least mask them.

They know that I'm a little anal sometimes. They know that I have WAY too many rules when it comes to my relationships with others. They know that I worry about everything. They know that I'm impatient. They know that I hate to fold laundry and that I get cranky when I haven't had enough sleep.

And they still think I've hung the moon...

I am the single most important thing to them. And really, they're the most important things in my life, too. I've said this before, but I'm a lucky girl. God gave me to two beautiful, smart, funny, amazing people and I want to make them proud. It's a huge driving force behind everything I do.

And really, after you've hung the moon, it's pretty hard to top it. It's darn hard to beat that, but I try. I want them to be proud of who I am and what I stand for. I want them to be able to look at me and see a job well done.

I want them to see my life and my relationships and realize that I've modeled everything in my life after my parents.

But sometimes, I wonder if that's what I'm doing. Am I making them proud? Is this where they wanted me to end up? Is this the journey they wanted me to travel?

I know that if I asked them, they'd tell me that all I've ever done is make them proud. That I'm their baby girl and they think I'm perfect.

So, yeah, I hung the moon...but does it look crooked to you?

My first snow...

Patty: Try to catch snowflakes on your tongue. It's fun.
Linus Van Pelt: Mmm. Needs sugar.
Lucy Van Pelt: It's too early. I never eat December snowflakes. I always wait until January.
~A Charlie Brown Christmas~

I've decided that snow is a lot like love for me. The first one is good, but it isn't always sweet...
I will never forget the first time I fell. To me, he was perfect. The beginning was so surreal and so perfcet that I had no choice but to fall head over heals in love with him. Months later when he turned ugly and mean, I was already sure he was my forever guy and so I put up with it. I had decided that I would be with him forever, so any obstacles we encountered, I was ready to deal with.

But he wasn't.

He was my first love...my first snow...and now that I've had my taste, I know to wait until the sweeter stuff comes along.

Rainman

Hey Lizzie
Well a man's gotta have a dream
And if you can't walk on the inside with me
I'll meet you in between
Oh come with me Lizzie
And the stars will write your name
And if you still think I'm lying to you
Look yonder there comes the rain
~ Tanya Tucker, Lizzie and the Rainman

So recently I've fallen a little bit in love with Tanya Tucker and her music, and while I don't remember hearing Lizzie and the Rainman when I was little, I adore it now. And this section of lyrics kinda made me stop and think a little bit.

Lizzie is just as disbelieving as I am. She's skeptical of the Rainman and she's sure not too shy to tell him how she feels. She calls him a liar and a cheat right there in the town square. And what does the Rainman do? He smiles at her and tells her to have a little faith. He tells her that if it's too hard for her to trust him, he'll meet her halfway and prove to her that he's honest and trustworthy.

And then it rains.

He followed through on his promise and, although the song doesn't tell us how Lizzie reacted, I kinda think she was amazed. Maybe he broke down some of her walls and made it possible for her to have a little faith in him.

So, I've decided that I need a Rainman...not the Dustin Hoffman kind, but the kind that understands that I'm a little nervous and a little skeptical and maybe just a hair jaded about this whole dating/love/romance game. I need a rainman to meet me in the middle...and write my name in the stars...and make it rain...because I don't want to be scared and jaded and skeptical, but sometimes I feel like every new possibility is just setting me up for a new heartache...and I don't like that idea one bit...

So, Santa...I've been a good girl this year, could you please bring me a Rainman?

Thankful...

I lead such a blessed life. And in the spirit of the season, I wanted to voice all that I'm thankful for.

I'm thankful for my faith...for the constant love that I feel from God and the peace I feel in His presence.

I'm thankful for my parents. God must have great things in store for me, because he gave me to the two most wonderful people. I hope I make them as proud as they make me.

I'm thankful for my beautiful L. She is so amazing and so inspiring and she is truly my other half. She is by far the strongest woman I know, and someday, I wanna be just like her.

I'm thankful for C who always keeps me on my toes.

I'm thankful for O who keeps C in line.

I'm thankful for my sweet dog, Austin. She's as close to being human as a dog could ever get and I know I'll never find another like her.

I'm thankful for clean sheets and cool nights.

I'm thankful for fun cell phone rings and text messages.

I'm thankful for warm fuzzies and happy tears.

And, I'm thankful for you. (And, by the way, I really do mean that...it's not just some Hallmark ending I came up with )

I'm no poet

I'm a writer, but I'm not a poet...but one time, and for just a little bit, on February 17, 2000 (I wrote the date down, because I knew I'd probably never write another poem, and I didn't want to forget when this one happened) I was a poet...a mediocre poet, but a poet nonetheless. Even though I wrote it almost 7 years ago, sometimes I still have to go back to it, and read it, and remember how I was feeling when I wrote it...it gets me back on track, and it helps me deal with the hundreds of questions I have...

I'm searching for a spiritual release
I need to find an inner peace
I stand alone, looking for Him
But still I am dark, deep within

I'm searching for a place of my own
A heart, a soul that I can call my home
I stand alone hoping for Him,
But still I am afraid deep within

I was searching alone for all of these things
Believing that they were mine to obtain
But now I stand with Him in the Light
And now I know the meaning of the fight

I alone could not be saved
From my dark, lonely cave
I had to give up and surrender all
Before He could answer my call…

Do dogs go to heaven?

"If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to gowhere they went."
Will Rogers, 1897-1935

When I was a freshman in high school, I got a puppy. A cute, warm, cuddly little dachshund named Tater. Instantly he became part of our family...daddy adores him and he's sure he's the toughest dachshund he's ever seen...mom likes to have him curl in her lap for a tummy rub...and I just love him.

He is such a smart dog! He can catch treats in the air when I toss them to him...he can sit...roll over...beg...and he gives the best puppy kisses.

As he grew older, he grew to be more of a protector. He's killed cats, birds and even a snake once...he is one tough little dog.

I can't even begin to tell you how much this dog means to me. The morning I left for college, Tater was four years old. I was sad about leaving...but I held the tears in...I had a four hour drive to be sad, I didn't need to start crying before I'd left the driveway...but then, I went to say goodbye to Tater. I took him his favorite treat (he loved hot dogs) and I sat on the porch and just cried into his furry neck...and he just let me hold him as I began to say goodbye to my childhood...and now, I must say goodbye to him.

He's a sick little dog, and it doesn't look like it's going to get any better...and I know he's in pain and I hate that...so Tater...I love you little guy...I hope there are lots of cats to chase in Heaven...and I'll see you when I get there...

Cinderella revisited

Grand Dame: And though Cinderella and her prince did live happily ever after, the point, gentleman, is that they lived.

Happily ever after...it's a thing of fairy tales and daydreams, but it's not so conducive to every day life. That's not to say that we can't or won't be happy. Not at all. I just don't think the fairy tale form of happily ever after is realistic. And, really, who cares if Cinderella lived a perfect life? The important part of her story is that she LIVED.

And not just had a pulse. No, I think this girl kicked up her heels and had a good 'ol time. I think she danced in the rain with Prince Charming and made out in the back of the movie theater and sometimes wore her skirt a little too short. I think she had beautiful babies and saw their beauty even when they were not such perfect children. I bet there were times that Prince Charming came home to find the house a mess, dinner still in the oven...and his happy wife and silly children in the backyard having a mud fight.

This is what happily ever after is. The mythical, one dimensional happily ever after that exists in fairy tales is boring. It's unoriginal and way too predictable. It may be happy, but it sure isn't full.

I'm holding out for my own happily ever after...complete with barking dog, laughing children and a husband who loves me even when my hair's a mess...

If it all falls apart

Do you know how lucky I am? I'd venture to say that I'm the luckiest girl alive. I'm an only child, and growing up, I always wanted a big brother to protect me.

And I got one...I just didn't realize it until I was older.

He was born three weeks before me to my dad's sister.

He's the one that looks out for me, he's the one that calls and checks on me. He's the one that explains guys and their crazy ways to me. He's the one that gives me advice and points me in the right direction.

And tonight, he made everything so clear to me. He made it seem so simple, he made everything seem so easy...and all I have to do is follow his advice. And I will, because I know he'll be there to pick up the pieces if it all falls apart.

Two hearts

We're born with two hearts. The one the doctor listens to when we're hanging out in his office, and the one that we're supposed to listen to.

The one that the doctor checks is relatively easy to care for. You go to the doctor once in a while, he does a quick listen, asks a few questions, and everything is fine. If he thinks your heart is acting up, he tells you what to do to fix it. Eat better, exercise more, take a pill...whatever he perscribes can usually do the trick.

But what about your other heart? What do you do when you can't hear it? There's no doctor to help you with it, because you're the only one who hears it. There's no medical journal that lists the ways to deal with your second heart, because you're the only one who knows how it feels. There's no drug on the market that can make it better, because the pain isn't tangible.

You're the one who listens for it, and you're the one who notices when you can't hear it. It's up to you to fix it...it's up to you to decide why your silent heart isn't talking.

And I can't decide what's going on with my second heart...is it really just being quiet, or have I stopped listening?

Where's my prize?

I'm sharing things with you people (sorry, O) that I don't share with most, which may seem strange, but here's how I look at it: I'm writing how I feel and what I think, and you choose if you want to read it or not. And I love that you choose to read...it means so much to me. I love you and am so glad that you hear what I say...it's so great to know that you understand where I'm coming from.

I drove home from work today and cried all the way home. And I can't really even tell you why I cried... it sort of hit me as a surprise because I'm really happy with my life right now, I like where I am and who I am and how I am...but sometimes...I don't know...all the things that I wonder or worry about come rushing in and I convince myself that I've made wrong decisions and that I'm in the wrong place in my life.

And I know it, you don't have to say it, I seem to bounce between emotions...my mom says that when I'm happy, my world is perfect and I'm walking in the clouds, but when the tiniest thing goes wrong...well I can make a mountain out of a mole hill faster than anyone you've ever meet...I promise.

Maybe that's my tragic flaw...but...do I get a prize for noticing it? For seeing it and seeing that it needs to be corrected? I don't think so...at least I haven't seen it yet...

When fish fly

Danielle: A bird may love a fish, signore, but where will they live?
Leonardo da Vinci: Then I shall have to make you wings.
Ever After

I'm not feeling particularly poetic today, but this struck me as beautiful. It doesn't matter if mountains stand in your way, if you love someone, you make it work; you figure it out. You walk through fire and snow and wind and rain to get to him, because he's it. He's the one.

But how do you know? Where's the big neon sign flashing above his head saying "Whitney's Prince?"

Ya know, really, I'm not sure I believe in sign's anymore. I've seen too many that led me astray that I quit trusting them, so what do I trust now? There's no sign, there's no angel on my shoulder to whisper to me and tell me, "This is it...you found him, you lucky girl."

So tell me, how do I know? I mean, I know how I feel, I know how my heart races, and how butterflies jump in my tummy and how the thought of him not being around makes me ill...but is that it? Is that enough to make a fish fly?

Just be

I have great friends. In fact, I'd venture to say that I have the best set of friends ever. My friends are all very different, but all very smart and I gain little pieces of advice from all of them.

Last night, my dear friend, Cheesecake Donna, shared some wisdom with me.

She said, and I quote, "Whitney, sometimes it's okay to just 'be.'"

Wow...heavy stuff folks...

My whole life I've been trying to define myself or my relationships or where I was headed in life, but recently I've discovered the beauty of just 'being.' I don't know where I'm headed, and I don't know who I'll be with in the end, but I know that right now, I have the best friends in the world, I'm living a life that makes me feel strong and independent and I know that I've been an actress in my very own love story...and really, isn't that enough?

Now, I haven't made a complete turnaround...I'm still impatient, I still need to know how my story ends, and I still want to look into a crystal ball and see who and where my Prince Charming is...but for now, I'm content to just 'be.'

Except...one time...

You know what I've learned? Love isn't a fairy tale. it doesn't happen like it does on tv, or in the movies, or in trashy romance novels. It doesn't happen that way.

You don't meet someone and instantly fall in love. First glances don't lead to a lifetime of love. He doesn't surprise you with random sweetness and unexpected romance. He doesn't meet all of your expectations and requirements...he doesn't look just like the man you pictured you'd fall in love with...he doesn't exist...

Except...once upon a time, he did, and it happened just that way...

Blind, butterfly faith

Doc: My dear, it appears that we may have to re-define the nature of our relationship.
Kate: I take care of you Doc. Haven't I always been a good woman to you?
Doc: Yes, yes you have always been a good woman to me. Then again, you may be the Anti-Christ.

Can you guess the movie that came from? You're right...Tombstone...one of the greatest and most quote-worthy movies of all time. I ran across this quote today and I started thinking about it...Doc's right...she's always been good to him, but really...she could be the Anti-Christ...or at the very least a lying, cheating, woman of ill-repute...well she is a woman of ill-repute, but the lying and cheating thing was never really confirmed...but I digress...there's a lesson here if we look hard enough.

We don't really know who we're falling in love with. We fall in love with butterflies and hope they multiply and don't fly away. We fall in love on faith, and hope that it all works out all right. We fall in love hoping that he's prince charming, but knowing that he may not be. We fall in love not knowing where this love may take us. We fall blindly, and hope that someone's waiting to catch us.

And the beautiful thing is, we do it anyway.

That's what makes love so worthwhile. That blind, butterfly faith that gives us hope that the one we love is the right one. That he isn't the Anti-Christ...or a man of ill-repute.

The colors of my heart

Why is it all or nothing with me? Why am I head over heals or indifferent? Where is my middle ground?

My mother says this is the way I've always been, and really, she should know...she's knows best, right? She says it goes back to infancy. That I always saw very clearly in black and white, and NEVER in gray. Something was either right or wrong, there was no in between for me...ever.

There was an instance when I was about 7 or 8 and we were on a family vacation to Colorado or something. We were at some historical site or park or whatever and there was a sign that said, "Please do not take the rocks." This place had pretty rocks...certainly those worthy of theft, and my parents, wanting a token from this beautiful rock garden, picked a couple up and snuck them into their pockets. I was livid. The rules were clearly stated. NO rocks. I protested adamantly, and my parents, probably stunned that their young daughter was lecutring them on following the rules, dropped the rocks and thanked me for keeping them from doing something wrong.

So see, it's in my blood. Even when people I love are involved, I'm very black and white in terms of what I see. Which is fine and dandy until it comes to matters of the heart.

I've learned that the heart carries many different colors. Sure there are blacks and whites, but there are deep, crimson reds of passion and cool blues of indifference and jade greens of jealousy and vibrant pinks of a new love...and every color and emotion in between.

So why can't I be okay with feeling all of those emotions?

Why can't I understand what my heart is going through?

Why can't I understand what his heart is going through?

Why do I demand so much of something that's demanded so little of me?

Maybe I just need a nap

So, not feeling so fabulous about myself today.

It's been a while since I've felt this blue...and considering the rollercoaster of emotions and events lately, that's slightly remarkable.

The thing is, I can't pin-point a reason for the melancholy. Yes, my best friend is getting married. Yes, that's a little weird for me, but hell...EVERYONE's getting married...that's really nothing to be so forlorn about.

Yes, I wish things were a little different in both my personal and professional life, but hey...I'm working on it...no reason to be sad, right?

You know how I feel about happiness, it's internal. So why can't I be jumping for joy instead of feeling so blue?

Maybe it all goes back to me wanting to read the last page of my story...but I've been working on my patience, really I have...I can see a change in me, I can see a change in how I handle certain people and certain situations.

But I also see myself not being satisfied...how do I fix that? How do I makie internal changes to be happy?

Or maybe it's nothing, maybe I just need a nap...

Then it will be perfect...

"If you wait too long for the perfect moment, the perfect moment will pass you by."

How much do I love that quote? Maybe because it doesn't really encourage patience. Or at least over-patience. It's sort of like the saying, "God helps those who help themselves." You can't sit around and wait for good things to happen, or wait for the perfect job, perfect love or perfect life. Perfection may not be what you perceive it to be. God's idea of perfection and your idea of perfection are probably two different things. I guess you just have to trust in Him and go with your gut feeling instead of trying to follow a plan that you've made for yourself.

This is a hard concept for me to grasp. I know what I want, but maybe it's not what I need. Or maybe what I want IS what I need, I just don't need it right now. I don't want my perfect moment, or perfect person, to pass me by just because I didn't think it was what I needed, or wanted, at the time. I want to be open to all the perfection God sends my way, and I want to be able to embrace whatever He gives me without comparing it to anything else.

Then it will be perfect.

Change is a choice

From the time we are small we are taught that change is inevitable. Nothing stays the same always, hell...look at my hair color on any given day. The only thing constant in our lives is change. That's an easy enough concept to grasp. But what about us, do we constantly change or do we, at some point, reach a point where we can't be anything but what we are?

I've thought about this a lot recently, and here's what I've come up with: Change is a choice. We choose how we interact with people, we choose how we love, and if something doesn't seem to be working for us, we choose if and how we want to fix it.

I think fundamentaly, who you are at your core, at the heart of you, will never change. But I do believe that change is a choice. And that choice is governed by many factors. Maybe change is a product of pain, or pleasure, or someone else's prodding, or maybe you just don't like how things are going, so you decide to shake it up a bit. Whatever the reason, you choose who you are. And right now, I like who I've chosen to be.

'Cuz that's His philosophy

So, C got his feelings hurt because I haven't mentioned any of his quotes in my blog. That's because usually they're just mean, not constructive, but he gave me a decent one today, so here goes.

"Don't let philosophy dictate your actions/decisions."

To understand that little piece of advice, let's first disect the quote. Webster's defines "philosophy" as "a system of principles for guidance." Or, to put it simply, your philosophy is like your map, your blue print. You use it to guide your actions.
Oh...this is good, I think we're getting somewhere here.

Why have a philosophy if you're not going to use it? That's like having a perfectly good bed but choosing to sleep on the floor every night...not sane at all. That's what a philosophy is for. That's why we have one, or at least that's the reason I have one.

True, everyone's philosophy is different. Willie Nelson's is "get high...a lot." Bill Clinton's? "Get it while you can." Mine? Well, I have a lot of them, but the main idea is to love as much as I can. To be as kind as I can to those around me. To protect and take care of the people I care about, and to understand that there are things I can't do. There are things I have no control over, but that God has His eye on me, and He'll make sure it all works.

'Cuz that's His philosophy."

It's that patience thing again...

So, you know that I love quotes. I think it has something to do with my love for literature. I just think that there is so much beauty in words, and I love when I read or hear something that touches me or opens my eyes to something I've never seen before. Sometimes I'm lucky and one of my dear friends delivers a phrase that makes me stop in my tracks and think for a moment.

O did that yesterday.

She said, "Sometimes you can't make the decision of when, you just have to let it happen."

Wow.

That hit me hard, because it applied to so many different parts of my life.

She's right, you know, I can't decide when I fall in love, or when I fall out of love. I can't decide when my world will balance itself out, I just have to let it happen.

I can't decide when, I can't decide how. It's not my decision to make. My job is to just live my life the best that I can and love the most that I can, and let God make the really big decisions for me.

It's that patience thing again...

There's more where that came from, baby

Take a moment and imagine with me.

Think of something you adore; something you absoloutely love.

How about a Dr Pepper? We Texans have a great fondness for the bubbly beverage...it's just sweet enough, and when you get that first sip, it's cool and fizzy and oh so yummy. In that moment, there's nothing better. You love your DP and your DP loves you...the world is at peace.
But, what would happen if someone gave you one can and said, "That's it. That's the last Dr Pepper you get...ever."

What do you do with that can? Do you pop the top immediately and guzzle down all the sweetness of that drink, or would you prefer to just crack the top on it ever so gently and take a tiny sip here and a tiny sip there to try to make this moment last as long as possible?

I love my Dr Pepper, and I don't want it to go away. But there are times when I can't help but think that this is my last one. This is my last can of the sweetness I've come to depend on. And I want it to last forever, I want time to stop and the world to cease its spinning so I can curl up in bed with my Dr Pepper and never have to let go. I just want to enjoy all the sweetness and comfort it brings me and forget all the bad things.

Unfortunately, I can't.

Eventually, my Dr Pepper will lose it's bubbles, and then what am I left with? An empty can?
There's this hope that I hold on to, that someday, somebody will hand be a Dr Pepper and say, "Enjoy this one, drink it as slowly or quickly as you'd like, cuz there's more where that came from, baby."

O, C and L

O says I'm slipping.

C says my last blog began with a quote about an orgy (boys will be boys...)

And L recognizes my fussiness and restlesness and sees that I'm frustrated and happy all at once. A crazy combination.

Maybe they're all right...okay well obviously C is wrong, but O and L, they're probably right.

Maybe I am slipping, but to where? And why? And how? And is it a bad thing? Maybe I'm slipping into a happy place, a place where I've always meant to be but never knew how to find.
And clearly, I'm frustrated. But, again, why? I'm happy. Really and truly, I am. Am I curious what my future holds? Yes, but for the first time in a long time I can say that I'm happy.

Maybe I'm in a constant state of frustration; in fact I know I am. It goes back to that patience thing we've covered before. But that doesn't mean I'm not content and glad to be where I am right now, because I am. I'm proud of who I am. I think I'm fabulous. I am surrounded by incredible people who adore me and think I'm fabulous, too; how cool is that?

So why the frustration, you ask?

I don't know.

I honestly don't.

I'm restless. I know, I know, it stems from my impatience and my desire to know how it's going to end.

I have to quit that.

I know I do. So, I'm gonna say a few more prayers, take a couple more deep breaths and remember, that in the end, it'll all be okay.

Hug o' war

"I will not play at tug o' war. I'd rather play at hug o' war, where everyone hugs instead of tugs, where everyone giggles, and rolls on the rug, where everyone kisses, and everyone grins, and everyone cuddles, and everyone wins." ~Shel Silverstein

What a childlike way to look at love. Silverstein presents a love that is uncomplicated and pure. A love that is true and perfect and more than beautiful.

In relationships, I find myself trying to tug. I'm impatient; that's just what I do. I tug a little here, and I tug a little there, hoping to pull out the words or actions or thoughts I think are lurking somewhere within this other person. Don't misunderstand, I don't do it out of malice, or to be manipulative; no, I do it out of impatience, and sometimes insecurity. I want so badly to read the end of my story, or "our" story, that I want to rush through the chapters of our relationship to get there, not because I'm in a hurry for some long-term committment, but because I just want to know that it's all going to be okay in the end, which leads me to another quote:

"Everything will be okay in the end; if it's not okay, then it's not the end."

I've used that beautiful piece of advice on more friends than I can count, but really, I've never used it myself. Maybe because I didn't take the time to really think about what it meant. Maybe my version of okay isn't God's version. And that's great, I'm pretty sure I'll like His version best, but gosh darn it, I'm so impatient.

And I hate it.

So I have to try to slow down and enjoy the ride, because the ride I'm on is pretty great, and I'm kinda crazy about it.

I have to try to forget my version of okay and just go with it.

So I'm just going to play hug o' war and let it all be okay in the end.

Love isn't enough

Love is not enough. It must be the foundation, the cornerstone-but not the complete structrue.
-Bette Davis

There you have it, folks.

Love is NOT enough.

Ya know, in the movies they sell us on the theory that all we need is love. Hell, there was even a song about it. But the fact of the matter is, love is all you need to start out, but eventually there has to be more to it.

This goes back to my theory on why we fall in love at the beginning of a relationship when we only have a few of the facts, instead of at the end when we have full knowledge of everything about the other person.

No, love isn't enough.

But love is the beginning. Love is what helps you build the strong foundation; love is what gets you through the fights and the not-so-fantastic times; love is what allows you to look past the fact that he's a dirty, messy, nasty boy. Love is what leads you through the sickness and health, the good, the bad and the ugly. Love makes it possible for you to build the relationship you need, because without love, would we endure the tears, the fights and the stress that a relationship brings? I think not.

Love may not be enough, but it's enough to get started.

Every once in a while...

My best friend's engaged.

Wow.

I knew this was coming soon, I just hadn't prepared myself for it. I'm so happy for her. He's probably the most perfect guy for her, and I know he adores her and he'll be kind to her and he'll take care of her and she'll never want for anything.

But things will never, ever be the same.

I'm struck with conflicting emotions; tears are falling for many different reasons. I love her. We have our problems, but she's kind of like that old t-shirt you have in the back of your closet; you don't wear it much, don't get it out of the closet that often, but when you put it on, it's like going home. There's a warmth that surrounds you and countless memories come flooding back, and you smile. That's what K is to me. The person that's known me the longest and loves me in spite of it. So I'm kind of sad that part of our childhood, our youth will be over when she says "I do." I know there are so many more beautiful memories we will make together, I'm just a creature of habit, a resistant of change.

And, she and D started dating about 2 weeks before ex-boyfriend and I did. K and D got engaged on their 2 year anniversary. It makes me realize how much time I wasted on someone that I thought was the one. It doesn't make me miss ex-boyfriend, it just puts time into perspective, and maybe makes me a little sad.

On the other hand, she deserves all the happiness that I know D will bring her. He's so good to her, loves her with all his heart and would do anything to make her happy. He's absolutely perfect for her, and I'm so incredibly happy that they found each other. She deserves this. She deserves to be happy. And she deserves to have her best friend be happy for her. And I am...the tears I'm crying are happy...the really are, there just might be a sad one that sneaks in every once in a while...

Gee thanks, Dad

"The key to everything is patience. You get the chicken by hatching the egg, not by smashing it." Arnold H. Glasgow

Well, we've already covered the fact that I'm the world's LEAST patient person. I don't like to wait, I never have. Just ask my mom. It was a constant irritant of hers while I was growing up.
Have I improved? Yes. I'm not nearly as impatient as I was five years ago, but still, I'm not winning any awards for my willingness to just "wait and see," either.

I try to find things to occupy my time while I wait, but to be honest, I don't always whittle away my time in the most ideal ways, but I do what I can.

The thing is, I want my baby chicken now. Right now. This whole idea of "good things come to those who wait," is great, except for folks like me who find the thought of waiting almost painful.
Dr. Phil would say that my impatience is caused by the fact that I was raised in the generation of fast food, fast internet and fast men, but really, I think it's just because I'm me.

Maybe it's genetic...from my dad's side. My mother is incredibly patient; she has to be, she teaches 1st grade, God love her, but my dad, while incredibly patient with animals and other people's children, is less than patient with my mother and me.

So maybe that's it, my need for having what I desire immeadiately is genetic. My dad cursed me with my inability to wait. He's the one responsible for my listless nights of tossing and turning, for my need to overanalyze as I wait...gee thanks, dad.

What flies in

When one door closes another opens. But often we look so long so regretfully upon the closed door that we fail to see the one that has opened for us.Helen Keller

Wow, those are some pretty powerfull words, especially as I look at this time in my life.
I have always believed that when God closed one door, he opened a window, but I never thought to stop looking at that closed door so I could feel the breeze from the open window. But I think that now, at this time in my life, I'm ready to accept a closed door. Maybe I'm even ready to lock that door. Because I need to. It doesn't seem to have any chance of opening again, and maybe it shouldn't. Maybe some things should stay locked away-maybe for a little while, maybe forever or maybe just for now.

But no matter what happens with that closed and locked door, I'm ready to dance in the breeze of that open window and see what flies in.

What I know now...

When I was little, I prayed every night for God to send me a little brother or sister to love and play with...and yes, torture a little. God listened, he heard my prayer...and he answered in his own way.

He sent my cousin Kristi to live with my family. She was, and is, the best gift I've ever been given.

I now know the joys of singing 80's songs at the top of our lungs while dragging Main in a VW Beetle that wasn't red-red, but red.

I now know what it's like to stay up all night laughing and talking.

I now know how it feels to share secrets and dreams with someone who adores you as much as you adore them.

I now know how it feels to be so incredibly proud of someone that close to you. How it feels to look at her and her life and realize she's stronger than you ever dreamed of being. To see that she's your hero. To see that no matter the circumstances that led her to you, it was the greatest blessing of your life.

My problem...

We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that's waiting for us...Joseph Campbell (no relation, I hope)

Is this my problem? Am I holding on to the life I want, the life I thought I'd have, and not allowing God to lead me where He needs me to be? Is that why I'm a little on the unhappy side?

Thanks, Carl

"We make our world significant by the courage of our questions and by the depth of our answers." Carl Sagan

I found this today, and I fell in love with it.

Those of you who know me well know that I question everything, and recently I've questioned the fact that I'm a questioner.

Does it mean that I have no faith? Does it mean that I'm never satisfied? Does it mean that I search too hard for an answer, when I should really just relax and let it all play out?

But I read the quote, and I started thinking. You know, my questioning nature is really a gift that I've been given. It allows me to gain a deeper and more beautiful understanding of myself and those around me.My questioning allows me to be sure of what I want and what I need and what I dont. My questioning allows me to know why I believe what I believe. My questioning makes me more confident in myself and my beliefs; it gives me peace of mind...and as Carl Sagan said, it makes me courageous...and I like that...thanks, Carl.

Grandma's Wisdom

So my trip home last night was everything I hoped it would be. My Grandma and I have always been incredibly close, and I've always known she was wise and had great advice to share, but last night on the way back home, we had one of the greatest conversations ever.

We talked about everything from the wackiness in our family, to death, to how to not choose a husband that's not, and I quote, "a shit-ass," like some of my other family members have done...

My Grandma is my hero for so many reasons. She's most definitely the toughest broad I know, and the kindest, funniest, most loving Grandmother I've ever met. Her love for her family is unconditional, she didn't even flinch when she found out about my tattoo, she just smiled and told me how pretty it was. She's most proud of the bumper-sticker on the back of her van that says she's a Texas Tech Grandmother, and swears that that's the only way people in her town of 300 know it's her when she drives by.

And last night, when we had our little talk, she made me feel so much more at ease about everything that's going on in my life. She's a very honest, very frank woman, and I've never appreciated that more about her than I did last night.

And apparently she raised her son to be very much like her.

Daddy and I drove her home last night, so he and I had 30 minutes of uninterrupted father-daughter time as we drove back to town to discuss everything from the wackiness in our family, to death, to why it's best to find someone that's you can live with instead of someone who looks good, because in his words, "Everyone looks ugly when they get old."

I am so incredibly blessed to be raised in a family like mine.

God must have big things in store for me if he chose to give me to them.

The future

To be frank, it scares the hell out of me, mainly because I'm the kind of girl who reads the last page of a book before she starts it. That way I can handle any turmoil the characters face because I know everything will be okay in the end. I sort of wish my life were like that. I wish God would hand me the last page to my story and say see, Whit, everything will turn out okay, don't worry about what happens in the middle.

That being said, here's how I think the story of your life is written. God gives you the beginning and the end and YOU get to decide what happens in the middle. And, you get to decide if you want God's ending...or a different, less happy one.

Because God gives us the future.

He hands it to us as a neatly wrapped gift, and it is ours to open and shape and mold the way we want to. And the cool thing is, even if we get started and decide we don't like what's happening, we can change it. We can fix it. It might be hard...it might be EXTREMELY hard, but it can be done. And those people that choose not to fix it, not to take their future and make it into something they want and something they love and something they know God would be proud of are weak.

You see, we have a perfect story written for us, and God could have let us live that perfect story, but what would that mean for us? We would never face anything difficult, we would never learn how to jump back up after a fall, we would never appreciate the beautiful things God has given us if we didn't have to deal with the ugly ones first. So God gave us direction, he pointed us on our way and gave us our very own pen and paper to write whatever we wanted.
We are our own editors, we can choose how our story plays out, and if we decide we don't like where it's headed, we can change it; we should change it...it's never too late.

Insanely happy...

Do you know what makes me insanely happy? Seeing a really, really beautiful girl with an equally repulsive guy.

And I'll tell you why.

That means, that somewhere out there, searching for the love of his life...is a really, really beautiful man without a mate. And lucky for him, I'm free.

It's okay

After every tornado, there's a time to sift through the debris, to clean up, to salvage what can be saved and throw away what's too damaged to repair.

Then there's the grieving and anger period. The intense and utter sadness that is accompanied by feelings of hate and misunderstanding; of pain and of loss; of shock and sometimes shame at not taking cover, or running earlier to save yourself from the damage that you had surely been warned about.

And then there's the rebuilding period. There's the moment when you wake up and you realize, it's time to rebuild. It's time to take what you saved from the wreckage and decide on a place for it. Maybe it hangs in the foyer of your new home, or maybe it eventually ends up in the next garage sale. Maybe you pack it away in a box and promise yourself not to open it again until you're stronger, or maybe you just throw it away and replace it with something new.

One day you wake up and realize it's okay to hold on to some things, but better to let some things go. It's okay to hold on to the happy things, but the bad ones can blow away with the storm.

One day you wake up and realize it's okay to be happy. It's okay to be without him.

Rainbows...

L is smart.
Today she said something to me that will stay with me for the rest of my life; "Anything amazingly wonderful comes with a little bit of pain."
When she said this, she was referring to child-birth, but this really hit a chord with me, and I thought back to all of the amazingly wonderful events in my life. My first day of kindergarten, my first day behind the wheel of my truck, the day my parents left me at college...all of those things were, at the time, incredibly difficult and scary for me, and yes, a little painful, but they ended up being so beautiful, so worthwhile, and so important. Those events shaped me and molded me into the kickass girl I am today. Without them, I wouldn't be able to see the beauty in the really great times in my life. Even the heartbreaks turned into something beautiful. The person I am today is the rainbow after the tornado. There are times when those heartbreaks still sting, when I'm still picking up debris from my personal tornado, but for the most part, this rainbow is vibrant and strong...beautiful and bright...reaching toward her pot of gold at the end...

That's what the experts say...

Your memory is a monster; you forget - it doesn't. It simply files things away. It keeps things for you, or hides things from you - and summons them to your recall with a will of its own. You think you have a memory; but it has you! John Irving
John Irving is one of my favorite authors...look him up...he's got good stuff, but let's get to the point, his quote. It's true. Your memory is a bit like a monster. Memories of days gone by, or love lost, or promises broken can sneak up on you at the strangest times. Just when you thought you'd forgotten the good, the bad or whatever...your memory brings it up at the grocery store, or in your car, or at the mall, or when you're getting your nails done. Suddenly, you're forced to remember. You have no choice. It's playing like a movie with no stop button. It plays over and over for a while. You beg yourself to forget, but it's impossible. Your memory found this clip and it won't let go. So you're forced to endure, forced to be taken back to a time you're not sure you want to be in. Forced to remember how he smells, how he feels, and how he left. Forced to remember how he made you smile, and how he made you cry. Forced to relive the butterflies and the heartbreak. You have no choice. Your memory took you here and it won't let you go.

Why is it, you think, that our memory betrays us? Does it know something we don't? Is it trying to show us something we missed? Should we pay closer attention this time through, catch more details? Would that make us understand more? Or is the lesson deeper, something we'll not understand until the memories are accepted. Something not fully grasped until we realize these memories aren't meant to hurt us. They're simply moments in time with someone we love, moments that may sting now, but surely moments we'll someday treasure.

At least that's what the experts say...

Sigh

So how do you know when someone's THE ONE. Now, I know that some people don't believe in there just being ONE person, but I do. I have to believe that when God created me, He had someone in mind for me to end up with. Since I was a little girl, I have prayed to God that He watch over and protect and guide my forever guy and I continue to pray for that. But my question is...how do I know when I find him? It's not like we have a code word that we can whisper to each other and know for sure that we've chosen the right life partner. Becuase, sure...I believe there's ONE guy out there for me, but I'm human...what if I screw up...or what if the person I think is the ONE is just the ONE in sheep's clothing...I'm so ready to find him, I'm so ready to embark on that part of my life...I want the house and the picket fence and the 3.2 kids and the dogs barking...and the truth is, I could have settled long ago for that, but it was with the wrong guy. Why is it so easy to know when it's wrong but so much harder to know when it's right? So many questions...and no answers..*sigh*

The rest will happen...right?

I didn't love her because it was right; I just loved her. The Horse Whisperer

How simple that sounds. He just loved her. No matter what. No matter how. No matter where. He loved her. He decided that God had sent her to him and he would love her and he would take care of her. She left him, but really that's another blog entirely, for our purposes, just for today, I just want to focus on those last four words. I just loved her. Wow. Think about that, how undeniably beautiful is that. It makes it so easy. That's how I want it to be. I want to just accept that I'm in love and then let the rest of it fall into place. I don't want to go into it worrying about kids and a house and a wedding, I just want to be in love and know that it's the forever kind and just go from there. Isn't that how it's supposed to be? After the falling in love part happens, the rest sort of just falls into place. Now, I'm not a total romantic. I know that relationships, by definition, require a great deal of work and dedication. But to simply be loved. To let that be it. To know that no matter what, where or when, you were loved and that that love was never going away...that's all I want...the rest will happen...right?

Till the pain fades...

So...my head hurts. And let me give you a rundown of the drugs I've taken today. Started off with 2 Tylenol Sinus pills, followed by 2 Advil Migraines, 2 Pain Crushers, 2 SinuTabs, 2 more Advil Migraines and 2 ValHist's...then as I was about to take my THIRD dose of Advil Migraine, I finally read the label, because clearly I was doing something wrong...it says, and I quote, "do not take more than 2 capsules in a 24 hour period." Well, crap. Do you think they could have told me that 2 doses ago??!? Yes, yes, O., I know they expect me to read the labels, but I gave up reading them in jr. high when I read on my bottle of Midol "do not take if pregnant." Really? How stupid do these drug manufacturers think I am? Now, to all of you who are now concerned about my overdose on over-the-counter medication, it is currently 3:33, and I haven't started convulsing or halucinating yet, however the headache is gone, so the moral of this story? Keep popping pills till the pain fades...

I'm running away to the circus

How do you think I'd do in the circus? I mean, I've been described AS a circus...someone so comical and witty and entertaining that I'm a one-woman show, but do you think I could be part of the circus? I mean, eventually I'm gonna want to branch out and do my own thing, but after today, and after my impending firing ( I've had a pretty rough day at work, if you hadn't figured it out) I'm gonna need someone to lean on for a while, and I think the circus people just might be the folks for me. Because really, I'll be the most normal of them all, and I could be their queen. They could love me and support me, and they don't have anything to do with the USDA, so I think I'd be safe there....

*it is occurring to me, that this blog will only make sense to my office mates, nevertheless, the USDA kinda sucks, and if anyone needs a girl with her ag ed degree...let me know...I may be in the market...

The truth is...

The truth is, it's hard to move on. It's hard to pick up the pieces of your heart and try to put it back together. It's hard to put on a happy face and pretend that it doesn't hurt.

The truth is, that song will always remind me of him, even though I haven't listened to it in five months.

The truth is, it's still hard to go to sleep at night without hearing his voice.

The truth is, he made me happy.

The truth is, I find myself still loving him, still wanting him in my life.

The truth is, I don't want to be without him, but I am.

The truth is, I thought he was the one.

The truth, is it's over.

The truth is, it's hard to move on, but I will anyway.

What would happen?

Tomorrow is the most important thing in life. Comes into us at midnight very clean. It's perfect when it arrives and it puts itself in our hands. It hopes we've learned something from yesterday- John Wayne

What a beautiful way to look at life, and how touching is it that those words came from The Duke? As rough and tumble and tough as he was, he still had the capabilities to see how truly beautiful each day we're given is. Instead of dreading what tomorrow will bring, shouldn't we look at it as perfection and something that we have total control over? Something that we can take and mold into whatever we want it to be? It's so hard to do that. It's so hard to not be consumed with the what-if's and but's and the wonderings of what the future will bring, but wouldn't it be great it we could just step back and realize how much the future depends on us? How much OUR future depends on us? If we could take each day, and make the absolute most of it, if we could promise ourselves that every day would be a good day, what would happen?

Fate and all that

There's a quote I read somewhere once that said "Anyone will stand by you when you're right, but a true friend will stand by you even when you're wrong." While this may not apply in all situations, it does in this one. I am so infinitely blessed to have L in my life. She loves me with an unconditional love, and even when I'm tettering on the edge of reason...she's there to catch me if I fall or pull me back quickly when I realize I'm making a mistake. God did a good thing when He put us together, in fact, I'm pretty sure He made us out of the same mold so we would find each other one day when the time was right...you know...fate and all that...

Hot Stoves

The cat, having sat upon a hot stove lid, will not sit upon a hot stove lid again. But he won't sit upon a cold stove lid, either. Mark Twain

Wow, that's a pretty great quote. I read it, and I thought about it, and I can sympathize with that cat. Right now I'm feeling like I don't ever want to be in love again. I don't ever want to put myself in that situation again, because it seems that all the stove lids out there are hot. None of them are cool enough that I feel comfortable touching them, let alone dating them. Sure, my head knows that not every guy will burn me, but that doesn't mean my heart does. That doesn't mean that I'm not a little gun shy. I don't want to hurt the next guy by punishing him for someone else's mistakes, but it's hard to teach yourself to trust again.
The Great Divide has a song and in it it says "there's nothing quite as comfortable as your old lover." That's also so true, there is a lot of comfort there, mainly because you know what to expect, you know how hot or cold that stove is and you've learned how to deal with it. And really, that's what was so great about my old stove, I felt safe, comfortable with him. He might have been a little hot to the touch sometimes, and he might have burned me a little, but he kept me safe, he fixed the not so good things in my life.
When I go stove shopping again, I want one a little like him.

Tune up

The thought that's been running through my head the last couple of days is: can people change? Is it possible to, for whatever reason, change who you are and how you behave? There are those that will argue no... a leopard can't change his spots, he was made that way and that's just how he's gonna be. But I kinda like to believe that people can change. It's certainly not an easy process. It's difficult and uncomfortable at times, but I do think it can be done, but I also think that there has to be a significant reason for that change. Something that makes a person want to be different, something that makes someone want to be a different type of person. Is this a total change? No, it's simply a tweaking of those things that may be a little off...a tune up if you will. And really, don't we all need a little tune up from time to time? Don't we all need to be slapped in the face once or twice and shown that how we're acting, what we're doing probably isn't the best thing for us? So can people change...maybe...can they improve? Always...is there a difference? Of course. Maybe it's not change I'm looking for...maybe it's a recognition of wrongs...

When I was sixteen

When I was sixteen I thought I had it all figured out. I was the world's greatest driver, I was the smartest teenager I knew and I had my ideal mate all planned out.

I was wrong...about everything.

I found this list I made when I was sixteen outlining all the qualities my future husband must have, and while some of them hold true today, I've had to add a few, and erase a few, over the years.

My college years, and post-college months, have taught me what's most important in a mate.

Besides needing him to be taller than me, somewhat versed in agriculture and a non-smoker, I need affection, I need patience, I need honesty, I need someone who has a spiritual side, someone who loves my dog, someone who appreciates me, someone who can stand up to me, someone who won't make me run the relationship.

I want him to find out who I really am, and love me because of it, not in spite of it.

I want him to understand my silly fears, and make me feel better about it because he loves me.
I want him to tell me 'no' when I'm being a little unreasonable, to let me know when I've been a little too much of a girl, but love me anyway.

I want him to see my quirks and laugh at them, and love them.

I just want him to love me...all of me...

Searching...

I'm a pretty open person...just ask my co-workers...but when it comes to my faith, I'm a pretty private person. I was raised in church, and I have strong beliefs that I adhere to, I just don't talk about it much. And since I've moved back to Lubbock, I've gotten kinda slack about attending Sunday services...and I know I should go, and I've thought about it a lot, but lately, I've had stronger feelings about going. And here's why. As much as I talk to God, (it's a frequent part of my day) I feel like something's missing. There's an urgentness that I feel, an uneasiness maybe...a feeling that everything isn't right, do you know what I mean? And lately, I've felt that that something can be found in church. Understand that this feeling goes beyond just going to church and doing all the minimum church activities, it's a feeling that there's something, someone, some purpose for me in a church, and I have no idea which one it is...I don't know where to go to start looking for this thing, but something is telling me that I better jump off my butt and start finding it. So I think I will...but where will my search begin?

Knots

So as I was driving back from lunch today, I passed Quick Quack Car Wash and read this quote on their sign "Don't cut what you can untie." And so I thought about that for a while and ya know, that's a fantastic little peice of advice.

So often people are so scared of doing what it takes to fix a problem that they'd rather just cut it out of their lives than deal with it. This was ex-boyfriend's problem. He would rather run than fix it...he proved this over and over, but it's taken a while for me to give up on him. I was always trying to untie something that he just wanted to cut. And I finally realized I can't untie it alone. He's holding half of that string, too, and he keeps pulling it tighter instead of trying to work on untying it. And I'm finally ready to cut it, too. Because the flip side to that quote is that sometimes, things have to be cut. There are knots too big to unravel, wounds too deep to heal. So here it is...snip snip...

Done

I so want to be done.
I want it to be over.

It's not.

But it will be.

The thing with a broken heart is that it doesn't heal all at once, and it doesn't heal quickly and it doesn't heal cleanly. It takes weeks, months and sometimes years to heal. Some peope say it never does. And it heals in spurts and then sometimes, something happens and instead of healing, it breaks a little more. All the progress you've made is stopped, and instead of feeling better you start feeling worse. And the scars that are left from a broken heart can't be removed. There's no laser surgery, no special cream...nothing that can take those scars away. Sure, in some ways those scars are good, they teach us how to love the next time, but sometimes, they also keep us from loving the next time. They teach you not to trust, to avoid love, they make you want to build walls and be overly protective...anything to protect yourself from potential pain. But can you protect yourself? Is it conceivable to totally protect yourself? I don't know, but for now, I'll try.

Never a bad thing

Never a bad thing
You will never know true happiness until you have truly loved, and you will never understand what pain really is until you have lost it.

I saw this quote somewhere once, and though it made little sense to me then, it is so clear to me now. Yes, I knew that loving someone was a beautiful, beautiful thing and that the loss of that love would be terribly painful; what I didn't understand was what no one can understand unless they've been there. Unless they've loved another to such an amazing degree the pain of losing that love was almost physical.

And I guess for me, it was knowing that he would never be a part of my life again that hurt the most. Sure we talk from time to time, and we catch up on the little pieces of our lives that we've missed, but to not have him there everyday. To not know that every day I can count on him to make me laugh or keep me safe. The first few weeks were really hard. I didn't have that last call at night anymore and when I got scared or nervous or I had a funny story to tell or I'd had a good day, I couldn't call him like I used to...that was the hardest. And slowly it's gotten better, slowly I've learned how to be without him and how to deal with not knowing him the way I used to. But the thing is, I do still know him. And he still knows me...and sometimes that's hard for me. Why does he get to know me so well? Why does he get to understand me so well? And he does. He knows the different sounds of my voice, he knows how to read between the lines...but is that fair? Like...shouldn't you have to relinquish that part of your knowledge when you break up with someone? Because for the rest of my life, and the rest of his, we're going to share a connection. There's no way we couldn't. We had a really, really great thing. Yes, it was hard sometimes, and yes it was rocky sometimes, but honestly when we were together we were happy and giggly and serious and sweet....we were all of those things. There's nothing that we couldn't share with each other. I miss that. And so I ask myself, is it true? Is it really better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all? And even with my broken heart, I can say yes. Because had I never gotten to know him I would never be who and what I am today, and I think I'm kinda fabulous. I wouldn't change the path I've taken, even if it did hurt...because I fell in love. And that's never a bad thing.

Love or Something Like It

What to talk about today...hmm....well how about this: While I am a little lost and a little unsure of myself and where I am in my life, I am not at all unsure about those close to me. I have some really fantastic friends theat mean the world to me. I have no idea how I would survive without people like them in my life to ground me. I'm a lucky, lucky girl and I am constantly reminded of it when my friends lend a hand or a kind word, it makes the bad days not so bad and the good ones even more fantastic.
So on to my ponderings, what is love? Like...really...what is it? How does it feel? Describe it to me. Cuz I can give you my description, and I'm pretty sure it would be very different than yours. And...it's different for each person I love...sure there's the general warm and gooey feeling I get around loved ones, but it changes from person to person...sometimes it's combined with butterflies, and sometimes with giggles...love is an amazing thing, but a complicated one, too. I'm not sure I'm ready to fall in love again, yet. Thinking about being that close to someone again kinda makes me wanna throw up, but that being said, I am still able to appreciate the overwhelming beauty and purity of an unconditional love, and hold out for the thought that one day, it'll happen again...and when it does, I'm not gonna let go...

Further Ponderings of WLP

All right, for those of you that know me, this won't come as a huge shock...I'm impatient. I don't like to wait for things...ever...I want what I want and I want it like 10 minutes ago, which may be why God is making me wait now. Maybe he's teaching me...and I'm not being a very good student...I should work on that huh? I just want to see into the future and see that there's someone and something more for me...I don't even have to see who it is...I just wanna know for sure. It's not like I'm waiting for someone to complete me, I'm not. I know that can't happen. I have to complete myself, but I do want a family someday. Badly. I want babies...I want a husband...just feeling a little lost now and not sure where I need to go to find direction...am I on the right track? am I where I'm supposed to be? am I where I need to be? is there a difference? who knows....

Just What I Wanted

Have you ever gotten exactly what you thought you wanted and realized it might not be what you needed after all? That's kinda where I'm at today...it's been one of those weeks. One of those BAD weeks...one of those bad weeks when I think I should have just stayed in bed Monday morning and hibernated there till Friday...last night might have been the last straw. While I was attempting to hook up my wireless router, I called customer support at Linksys....let me just tell you, I got very little support from those people. I'll spare you the gory details, but I was yelled at in Swahili and I wasn't at all happy about it.
I just want to be happy, content. Sometimes I wonder how I ended up where I am right now. Sure I did the whole college thing, graduated in 4 1/2 years, got a job, am supporting myself....but am I supposed to be here? I kinda took this job and made this move on the spur of the moment, and that's not like me at all. I like to have a plan, I like to know what I'm getting into. Should I have branched out more? Should I be somewhere else forging a new path for myself? Did I take a wrong turn somewhere that somehow led me here, and if I did, how will I get back on track? So many questions and no answers. I see myself not being satisfied in my professional life and my personal life and I don't know what to do about it. I don't know how to fix it. What dreams do I chase and what ones do I lay to rest? When can I stop being afraid of the unkown and learn to embrace the here and now? I don't know....

How much is enough?

How much hurt is enough? I'll always love him. There are too many good memories there to just write him off as an unloving, unfeeling, giant jerk...but really, how much of the awfulness can I take. When he calls and says those awful things to me it hurts, but I believe in loving people unconditionally, so where does that leave me? Hovering somewhere between hatred and love...sorrow and empathy...part of me wants to run to him and grab him and just hold him until he stops being not so nice...and the other part of me just wants to run...

In Terms of Love

Okay so just when I think things are getting easier, they start getting harder....I've been thinking about the breakup a lot lately, and while I miss him, I don't miss the fights, I don't miss the wondering, I don't miss the insecurities that came with that relationship....do I wish things were different? Sure I do, I wish that this didn't hurt and I wish he wanted to make it work and I wish he loved me the way he should, but wishing doesn't change anything, so I gotta stand up and move on. Forget about all the hurt and pain, and just move on.

What do you think?

"One day you're going to wake up and realize how much you truly love her- And when that day comes, she'll be waking up next to the man who already knew."
I saw this and it made me think....

Memories...

think it's the memories that are hardest to deal with...we really had some great moments together...some really, really wonderful times...when he was sweet and darned near perfect...and sometimes I wish I could forget those times...the way he would come up behind me when I was in the kitchen cooking and kiss me and tell me he loved me...or the laughter...or just at his house watching stupid movies...or the jokes...or the times when I really thought he was the one...that he was it for me...the way he loved my family as much as he loved me...I guess I have to learn to forget those for now, or at least focus on the not so good memories so that I remember why we're not supposed to be together...it's getting easier...it's hurting less and less...and I have great people around me who love and support me and who are helping me through this not so great time in my life...I have so much to be thankful for...I'm learning so much about myself and about who I am and who I deserve...there's a quote that I heard the other day, and I just love it "You've got to put roots down somewhere...but first, you have to find the right garden." that's so true...I guess even though he seemed to be a really great garden, he wasn't the right one, so now I'll move on and do a little garden hunting ;)

Confusion...

So...of course I still love him...that's inevitable right? I miss him like crazy...I wonder if it will always feel like this...and I'm confused...part of me wants things to go back to before we broke up...but then again I know that things weren't good then....things were great in the beginning and then something happened and we started to slowly fall apart...was it all his fault? No, of course not...I pushed too hard and he pulled too far away...would I change things if I could go back? Maybe, but I don't know, I'm learning a lot about myself right now...and I kinda like that...Would things be different 5 years from now? Maybe,I don't know...just a little confused now....it'll sort itself out soon....

Pieces...

Rascal Flatts pretty much sums it up with this song...
From the moment that we met
My world was turned around, upside down
To some degree I still regret my memory
For keeping you aroundBoy, I thought that you were mine
But my broken heart’s been shattered
One too many times (we broke up 4 times...how stupid was I to keep going back?)
Chorus And I don’t wanna see you anymoreI’m just not that strongI love it when you’re here (it IS nice to see him...hear from him...)
But I’m better when you’re gone (but it hurts less when he stays away)
I’m certain that I’ve givenAnd oh how you can take ( he taught me that relationships have to be equal...you both have to love)
There’s no use in you lookin’
There’s nothin’ left for you to break
Baby, please release me
Let my heart rest in pieces, in pieces
Someone let you down again
So you turn to me, your convenient friend (or you're drunk and want to chat....)
Oh, but I know what you’re doin’ and what you hope to find
I’ve seen it a thousand times
All the fire we had before
Are now just bitter ashes
Left scattered on the floor
We both know that you don’t need me
Let my heart rest in pieces, in pieces
Let it rest

Rebuilding Year

Okay so you know when reporters are interviewing a coach about this year's team he'll be like "Well, Bob, we've got a lot of young, raw talent this year, I'm excited to see how we fair in the conference, but I kinda look at this as a rebuilding year. Our guys are still kinda green, but man watch out for us next year..."
That's how I feel after the break-up. This is a rebuilding year...I'll come out of this thing with my head held high, my dignity in tact and more beautiful and fabulous than when I started...rock on!
Really, I'm handling it all pretty well...considering we'd dated for almost two years and known each other about three years...I'm handling this not being around him or talking to him thing pretty well. I'm kind of excited now to see what God has in store for me. I look at it and I think "Wow...the next guy...the forever guy...he'll have it all...and I won't have to question him...or doubt him...or feel insecure about him." That's a pretty cool thought...and that makes me happy.
Sure I have rough days...Sunday nights seem to be the worst for me, so it was even worse this Sunday when he called...but I'm doing okay...I'm doing fine...I miss him, but I miss the way he was when he was good...and honestly...that wasn't very often...so I can learn from this and move on. I'm not wasting time on those who don't care about me. I'm not wasting time being the only one making it work. It's all about me for now and I'm rebuilding me...that's a great feeling.

Break-Ups

So this break-up thing is hard. Even though he did it, I'm pretty sure it was the right thing. He's just not the person I deserve. I deserve all of the warm fuzzies...I deserve to be loved and protected...and dammit I deserve to have someone who wants to see me and wants to love me and wants to call me baby.
But he thinks we can be friends. We can't. I've always felt that you need to make a clean break...it just needs to be over...you can't hang around and keep pouring salt in the wound...it doesn't work that way. But he keeps calling...to chit chat or wish me Happy Easter...actually, last night was the first time he called me sober...he even broke up with me while he was drunk...why do I put up with it?!!? I told him last night that the biggest thing he taught me was that I didn't have to put up with the crap I put up with while I dated him...I loved him so much that I overlooked a lot of bad things because of a few really great ones...and ya know what? That's not good enough. The fact is, I'm done with him, I don't want him anymore...but I'm not quite over the situation...the feeling stupid and used and rejected...that may take a while....for now...this is my mantra "Even with all of the mayonnaise in the world...you can't make chicken salad out of chicken shit..." Too bad I was in love with chicken shit...