This week we have an appointment with our wonderful doctor to (hopefully) create a new plan of action for our journey. If you're praying for us, we ask for specific prayers for our doctor to develop a plan that will be beneficial and one we can fiscally handle.
My time in prayer has been largely focused on Matthew 14:22-33. This is where Jesus walks on water and Peter joins him until Peter realized the wind was raging around him and he became afraid. His fear caused him to sink as he cried out for the Lord to save him.
Y'all. I am so like Peter. I have been praying for strength to continue walking with Jesus in spite of my fears over our infertility journey. We are so unsure about our next steps and about how/when/if we'll have another baby. I know that instead of looking to Jesus, I get caught up in the storm of this season. Jesus said to Peter, "O you of little faith, why did you doubt?" and I know I have moments of little faith. I have days when it all seems too hard, too expensive, too impossible...and I forget that nothing is too anything for Him. Please continue to pray with me as we go through this week and navigate the new hurdles in our path.
Monday, January 18, 2016
Friday, January 1, 2016
New Year
This is the post I've been trying to write for over a year.
This is the post I've avoided writing for over a year.
I have written and rewritten it in the shower, at stoplights, and in line at the grocery store. But I never get it right...I can't seem to get it all put together the way I want. I don't want to seem weak, I don't want to struggle, I don't want to admit that I'm so terribly lost. I'm afraid for those around me to see what I'm feeling because I don't know how they'll respond. So...I've decided to quit trying for perfection and just write...here goes nothing.
Since February of 2014 I have had four positive pregnancy tests and four miscarriages. The latest occurred right before Thanksgiving this year and, in many ways, it was the most devastating. My first loss was in March 2014 and I thought, along with my previous doctor, that this was just "one of those things." So, our next pregnancy seemed more hopeful...until it wasn't. In August 2014, a second pregnancy ended too early, but I felt encouraged because I switched doctors and I felt like we had a good game plan. Then the third loss in December 2014 ended with a referral to a specialist. Hallelujah! We thought we were finally on the right track. Surely NOW we had it all figured out. We began seeing our specialist in January but because of my PCOS, we faced hurdles every month and were only able to try to get pregnant three times in 2015. It finally worked in November...until it didn't. Our fourth loss has me reeling with devastation and fear and doubt. Unlike the losses before, I'm unable to find hope here. Instead, I'm questioning our path, questioning God, questioning myself.
What does this all mean? Why are we continually told no? We are emotionally, spiritually, and financially exhausted. The visits to the doctor (4 hours away), the shots, medication, mood swings...it all feels like a mountain that grows faster than we can hike. For me, this pressure bleeds into my everyday life. I know that friendships have suffered because some days it's all I can do to make it to lunch without crying. It's a constant struggle to keep a smile on my face when I'm worried about what's going to happen this cycle or if we should even keep trying. I know I suffer in silence because I won't allow others in, but I don't know how. The topic of miscarriage and infertility is so hard to identify with. I have so many friends that are walking this journey, but even our stories vary so much. It's just impossible to really understand the road someone is walking and I honestly don't have the energy to explain it most days...but today I'll try.
Every day I wake up and my first thought is "I'm broken." I am fundamentally flawed to the point that my body will not perform the most basic act it was designed to preform. Then, I spend the rest of my day throwing up prayers that vary from asking for help for a particular cycle issue to help in making it through my first class without crying. I obsess over blood test results and medical research. I dread looking at the calendar because every month holds an anniversary of some devastation or another. If you see me and I look like a zombie, trust me...I feel like one, too.
Some days are better than others. Some days are hell. And, as I start 2016 I don't know how to feel. Last year, I remember looking ahead to 2015 and seeing such hope and excitement because I thought 2014 was pretty much rock bottom, but 2015 had its own share of challenges. I'm not sure where I go from here, but, because I think these stories of loss and the navigation of those losses are important, I want to share our story. I used to look at others who had suffered losses and think, "that's not as bad as my story," or "wow...her story makes mine seem like a cake walk." But, the truth is, all of our stories are painful and gut wrenching and devastating and eventually beautiful. I think, though, that often they're not told because we fear judgement for our raw emotions or we think it's not appropriate to discuss this type of pain. My resolution this year is to share our journey and whatever it may hold because we aren't the only ones suffering and there is comfort in sharing our pain with others.
Buckle up...it's going to be a bumpy ride.
This is the post I've avoided writing for over a year.
I have written and rewritten it in the shower, at stoplights, and in line at the grocery store. But I never get it right...I can't seem to get it all put together the way I want. I don't want to seem weak, I don't want to struggle, I don't want to admit that I'm so terribly lost. I'm afraid for those around me to see what I'm feeling because I don't know how they'll respond. So...I've decided to quit trying for perfection and just write...here goes nothing.
Since February of 2014 I have had four positive pregnancy tests and four miscarriages. The latest occurred right before Thanksgiving this year and, in many ways, it was the most devastating. My first loss was in March 2014 and I thought, along with my previous doctor, that this was just "one of those things." So, our next pregnancy seemed more hopeful...until it wasn't. In August 2014, a second pregnancy ended too early, but I felt encouraged because I switched doctors and I felt like we had a good game plan. Then the third loss in December 2014 ended with a referral to a specialist. Hallelujah! We thought we were finally on the right track. Surely NOW we had it all figured out. We began seeing our specialist in January but because of my PCOS, we faced hurdles every month and were only able to try to get pregnant three times in 2015. It finally worked in November...until it didn't. Our fourth loss has me reeling with devastation and fear and doubt. Unlike the losses before, I'm unable to find hope here. Instead, I'm questioning our path, questioning God, questioning myself.
What does this all mean? Why are we continually told no? We are emotionally, spiritually, and financially exhausted. The visits to the doctor (4 hours away), the shots, medication, mood swings...it all feels like a mountain that grows faster than we can hike. For me, this pressure bleeds into my everyday life. I know that friendships have suffered because some days it's all I can do to make it to lunch without crying. It's a constant struggle to keep a smile on my face when I'm worried about what's going to happen this cycle or if we should even keep trying. I know I suffer in silence because I won't allow others in, but I don't know how. The topic of miscarriage and infertility is so hard to identify with. I have so many friends that are walking this journey, but even our stories vary so much. It's just impossible to really understand the road someone is walking and I honestly don't have the energy to explain it most days...but today I'll try.
Every day I wake up and my first thought is "I'm broken." I am fundamentally flawed to the point that my body will not perform the most basic act it was designed to preform. Then, I spend the rest of my day throwing up prayers that vary from asking for help for a particular cycle issue to help in making it through my first class without crying. I obsess over blood test results and medical research. I dread looking at the calendar because every month holds an anniversary of some devastation or another. If you see me and I look like a zombie, trust me...I feel like one, too.
Some days are better than others. Some days are hell. And, as I start 2016 I don't know how to feel. Last year, I remember looking ahead to 2015 and seeing such hope and excitement because I thought 2014 was pretty much rock bottom, but 2015 had its own share of challenges. I'm not sure where I go from here, but, because I think these stories of loss and the navigation of those losses are important, I want to share our story. I used to look at others who had suffered losses and think, "that's not as bad as my story," or "wow...her story makes mine seem like a cake walk." But, the truth is, all of our stories are painful and gut wrenching and devastating and eventually beautiful. I think, though, that often they're not told because we fear judgement for our raw emotions or we think it's not appropriate to discuss this type of pain. My resolution this year is to share our journey and whatever it may hold because we aren't the only ones suffering and there is comfort in sharing our pain with others.
Buckle up...it's going to be a bumpy ride.
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