If it all falls apart

Do you know how lucky I am? I'd venture to say that I'm the luckiest girl alive. I'm an only child, and growing up, I always wanted a big brother to protect me.

And I got one...I just didn't realize it until I was older.

He was born three weeks before me to my dad's sister.

He's the one that looks out for me, he's the one that calls and checks on me. He's the one that explains guys and their crazy ways to me. He's the one that gives me advice and points me in the right direction.

And tonight, he made everything so clear to me. He made it seem so simple, he made everything seem so easy...and all I have to do is follow his advice. And I will, because I know he'll be there to pick up the pieces if it all falls apart.

Two hearts

We're born with two hearts. The one the doctor listens to when we're hanging out in his office, and the one that we're supposed to listen to.

The one that the doctor checks is relatively easy to care for. You go to the doctor once in a while, he does a quick listen, asks a few questions, and everything is fine. If he thinks your heart is acting up, he tells you what to do to fix it. Eat better, exercise more, take a pill...whatever he perscribes can usually do the trick.

But what about your other heart? What do you do when you can't hear it? There's no doctor to help you with it, because you're the only one who hears it. There's no medical journal that lists the ways to deal with your second heart, because you're the only one who knows how it feels. There's no drug on the market that can make it better, because the pain isn't tangible.

You're the one who listens for it, and you're the one who notices when you can't hear it. It's up to you to fix it...it's up to you to decide why your silent heart isn't talking.

And I can't decide what's going on with my second heart...is it really just being quiet, or have I stopped listening?

Where's my prize?

I'm sharing things with you people (sorry, O) that I don't share with most, which may seem strange, but here's how I look at it: I'm writing how I feel and what I think, and you choose if you want to read it or not. And I love that you choose to read...it means so much to me. I love you and am so glad that you hear what I say...it's so great to know that you understand where I'm coming from.

I drove home from work today and cried all the way home. And I can't really even tell you why I cried... it sort of hit me as a surprise because I'm really happy with my life right now, I like where I am and who I am and how I am...but sometimes...I don't know...all the things that I wonder or worry about come rushing in and I convince myself that I've made wrong decisions and that I'm in the wrong place in my life.

And I know it, you don't have to say it, I seem to bounce between emotions...my mom says that when I'm happy, my world is perfect and I'm walking in the clouds, but when the tiniest thing goes wrong...well I can make a mountain out of a mole hill faster than anyone you've ever meet...I promise.

Maybe that's my tragic flaw...but...do I get a prize for noticing it? For seeing it and seeing that it needs to be corrected? I don't think so...at least I haven't seen it yet...

When fish fly

Danielle: A bird may love a fish, signore, but where will they live?
Leonardo da Vinci: Then I shall have to make you wings.
Ever After

I'm not feeling particularly poetic today, but this struck me as beautiful. It doesn't matter if mountains stand in your way, if you love someone, you make it work; you figure it out. You walk through fire and snow and wind and rain to get to him, because he's it. He's the one.

But how do you know? Where's the big neon sign flashing above his head saying "Whitney's Prince?"

Ya know, really, I'm not sure I believe in sign's anymore. I've seen too many that led me astray that I quit trusting them, so what do I trust now? There's no sign, there's no angel on my shoulder to whisper to me and tell me, "This is it...you found him, you lucky girl."

So tell me, how do I know? I mean, I know how I feel, I know how my heart races, and how butterflies jump in my tummy and how the thought of him not being around makes me ill...but is that it? Is that enough to make a fish fly?

Just be

I have great friends. In fact, I'd venture to say that I have the best set of friends ever. My friends are all very different, but all very smart and I gain little pieces of advice from all of them.

Last night, my dear friend, Cheesecake Donna, shared some wisdom with me.

She said, and I quote, "Whitney, sometimes it's okay to just 'be.'"

Wow...heavy stuff folks...

My whole life I've been trying to define myself or my relationships or where I was headed in life, but recently I've discovered the beauty of just 'being.' I don't know where I'm headed, and I don't know who I'll be with in the end, but I know that right now, I have the best friends in the world, I'm living a life that makes me feel strong and independent and I know that I've been an actress in my very own love story...and really, isn't that enough?

Now, I haven't made a complete turnaround...I'm still impatient, I still need to know how my story ends, and I still want to look into a crystal ball and see who and where my Prince Charming is...but for now, I'm content to just 'be.'

Except...one time...

You know what I've learned? Love isn't a fairy tale. it doesn't happen like it does on tv, or in the movies, or in trashy romance novels. It doesn't happen that way.

You don't meet someone and instantly fall in love. First glances don't lead to a lifetime of love. He doesn't surprise you with random sweetness and unexpected romance. He doesn't meet all of your expectations and requirements...he doesn't look just like the man you pictured you'd fall in love with...he doesn't exist...

Except...once upon a time, he did, and it happened just that way...

Blind, butterfly faith

Doc: My dear, it appears that we may have to re-define the nature of our relationship.
Kate: I take care of you Doc. Haven't I always been a good woman to you?
Doc: Yes, yes you have always been a good woman to me. Then again, you may be the Anti-Christ.

Can you guess the movie that came from? You're right...Tombstone...one of the greatest and most quote-worthy movies of all time. I ran across this quote today and I started thinking about it...Doc's right...she's always been good to him, but really...she could be the Anti-Christ...or at the very least a lying, cheating, woman of ill-repute...well she is a woman of ill-repute, but the lying and cheating thing was never really confirmed...but I digress...there's a lesson here if we look hard enough.

We don't really know who we're falling in love with. We fall in love with butterflies and hope they multiply and don't fly away. We fall in love on faith, and hope that it all works out all right. We fall in love hoping that he's prince charming, but knowing that he may not be. We fall in love not knowing where this love may take us. We fall blindly, and hope that someone's waiting to catch us.

And the beautiful thing is, we do it anyway.

That's what makes love so worthwhile. That blind, butterfly faith that gives us hope that the one we love is the right one. That he isn't the Anti-Christ...or a man of ill-repute.

The colors of my heart

Why is it all or nothing with me? Why am I head over heals or indifferent? Where is my middle ground?

My mother says this is the way I've always been, and really, she should know...she's knows best, right? She says it goes back to infancy. That I always saw very clearly in black and white, and NEVER in gray. Something was either right or wrong, there was no in between for me...ever.

There was an instance when I was about 7 or 8 and we were on a family vacation to Colorado or something. We were at some historical site or park or whatever and there was a sign that said, "Please do not take the rocks." This place had pretty rocks...certainly those worthy of theft, and my parents, wanting a token from this beautiful rock garden, picked a couple up and snuck them into their pockets. I was livid. The rules were clearly stated. NO rocks. I protested adamantly, and my parents, probably stunned that their young daughter was lecutring them on following the rules, dropped the rocks and thanked me for keeping them from doing something wrong.

So see, it's in my blood. Even when people I love are involved, I'm very black and white in terms of what I see. Which is fine and dandy until it comes to matters of the heart.

I've learned that the heart carries many different colors. Sure there are blacks and whites, but there are deep, crimson reds of passion and cool blues of indifference and jade greens of jealousy and vibrant pinks of a new love...and every color and emotion in between.

So why can't I be okay with feeling all of those emotions?

Why can't I understand what my heart is going through?

Why can't I understand what his heart is going through?

Why do I demand so much of something that's demanded so little of me?

Maybe I just need a nap

So, not feeling so fabulous about myself today.

It's been a while since I've felt this blue...and considering the rollercoaster of emotions and events lately, that's slightly remarkable.

The thing is, I can't pin-point a reason for the melancholy. Yes, my best friend is getting married. Yes, that's a little weird for me, but hell...EVERYONE's getting married...that's really nothing to be so forlorn about.

Yes, I wish things were a little different in both my personal and professional life, but hey...I'm working on it...no reason to be sad, right?

You know how I feel about happiness, it's internal. So why can't I be jumping for joy instead of feeling so blue?

Maybe it all goes back to me wanting to read the last page of my story...but I've been working on my patience, really I have...I can see a change in me, I can see a change in how I handle certain people and certain situations.

But I also see myself not being satisfied...how do I fix that? How do I makie internal changes to be happy?

Or maybe it's nothing, maybe I just need a nap...

Then it will be perfect...

"If you wait too long for the perfect moment, the perfect moment will pass you by."

How much do I love that quote? Maybe because it doesn't really encourage patience. Or at least over-patience. It's sort of like the saying, "God helps those who help themselves." You can't sit around and wait for good things to happen, or wait for the perfect job, perfect love or perfect life. Perfection may not be what you perceive it to be. God's idea of perfection and your idea of perfection are probably two different things. I guess you just have to trust in Him and go with your gut feeling instead of trying to follow a plan that you've made for yourself.

This is a hard concept for me to grasp. I know what I want, but maybe it's not what I need. Or maybe what I want IS what I need, I just don't need it right now. I don't want my perfect moment, or perfect person, to pass me by just because I didn't think it was what I needed, or wanted, at the time. I want to be open to all the perfection God sends my way, and I want to be able to embrace whatever He gives me without comparing it to anything else.

Then it will be perfect.