I haven't written since November 11.
Maybe because I liked coming to my blog...having others come to my blog...to read about the wonderful creature who went to heaven that day.
Maybe it was because I was moving, interviewing, teaching, planning a wedding...all without her to call to share it with...and I didn't have time or energy to devote to my blog.
Maybe it was because I didn't know how to sort out my emotions for myself, let alone to you.
Whatever the reason, I'm back...newly wed, newly employed...but still the circus you remember...there are just more rings now.
This is a funny place to be...this newlyweddedness...it's exciting and scary, comfortable and complicated...it's an interesting place...
I've waited twenty-five years for this wonderful man to come into my life, and thank God he did...but bless his heart, I'm not sure he knew what he was getting into.
I am, by his own declaration, fiercely independent, stubborn to a fault and sometimes violently emotional...and yet he willingly married me...he willingly put himself, quite often, in the line of fire...all in the name of love.
He is patient and kind...and he balances out my compulsiveness, and I'm so blessed he chose me.
But it's hard to be here sometimes...not because I'm not happy, not because I'm not in love...because I am...I'm also a little sad...a little sad that I'm growing up, a little sad that I didn't achieve the things I thought I would...
Unless you're a new reader, you know how much my parents mean to me, and let me tell you, that walk down the aisle was one of the most difficult things I've ever done. Not because I didn't want to get married, but because I didn't want to be given away...and while I know that I'm always their little girl, that walk was symbolic...my childhood is over...I'm growing up, and so are they...and frankly, I don't like it. I have wonderful, beautiful, funny parents and I want to share so much with them, but this getting older thing means I have less time...and I hate that.
I do, though, love my job as a teacher. It's challenging and rewarding, exciting and emotionally fulfilling...but it's also not what I thought I'd be doing. I wanted to lobby for agriculturists, I wanted to write the next bestseller, I wanted to change the world...I look at S and L and R and C...they are making the impact I always thought I would be making...I'm so proud of them...they do their jobs so well, and they are such an inspiration to me and to others. But somehow I feel like I haven't fulfilled my potential, I haven't achieved enough, I haven't done enough...and for me...that's a hard pill to swallow...
So I'm adjusting to this new phase of my life...I love him, I love us...and despite my fears and my overwhelming emotions, happily ever after is a beautiful place to be.
