Worth It

Christmas has always been my favorite. My parents crafted special moments and traditions that we still duplicate today. We don't decorate the tree unless we're listening to Thistlehair the Christmas Bear, pickles and cream cheese still make their appearance at dinner, and there's bound to be a present or two under the tree from George Strait or Toni Braxton. 

But, the last few years, I've been a little less jolly. We lost two pregnancies during the holiday season, so that pain dulled the brightness of the season just a little. And, as I reflected on the year that had past, I couldn't get past the grief and loss and failures we had suffered. I was discouraged and sad and lost. But I also remained hopeful. There were dark days...and weeks...when I was unsure of where God was leading us, but I relied on advice from a good friend from my college days. When something awful happens, you can wallow, but you have a time limit. When the time is up, you move on. You pick up the pieces, you create a plan, and you move. There were days it was a victory just to get out of bed. When I wondered if the hell I was walking through was even worth it. 

It was. 

This Christmas is even more special this year. Beyond the joy of having a new baby is the joy of seeing the miracle that she is. Of holding a testament of God's faithfulness. 

I'll be the first to tell you that I was not graceful in my journey. I got angry. I got sad. But He remained faithful.

Merry Christmas to you and yours. If your current journey is painful, please know you're in our prayers. Please, don't give up. Whatever it is...it's worth it. 

All is well.

I will hit 21 weeks on Monday and we have our anatomy scan on Tuesday. My progesterone levels have looked good, and I think my dr. would be okay taking me off the supplement, but because he knows I'm anxious, he's letting me stay on the injections. I still feel anxiety when talking about the pregnancy, but it's getting easier. We appreciate your prayers for health, peace, and comfort. This is certainly a blessed baby. 

Latest Results

Finally got my results today and progesterone was still 18. The good news is the number didn't drop. I would have liked to see it go up, but we're happy with no change. I think my nurse knew I was nervous, so she bumped my dosage up. I'll test again next Tuesday when we have our visit with the dr and we'll go from there. We continue to pray for continued good news and positive outcomes. Love you all! 

Update

After meeting with my regular doctor's nurse last week, my progesterone came back at a 26, though my vitamin D was low and I started on supplements. Today, though, my progesterone came back and an 18. I know this isn't a panic situation, but it does make me nervous when things don't go as I think they should. My doctor feels like we should proceed as normal and have another test on Monday. Which is good, because we leave on Tuesday for OKC. Which is another cause of anxiety for me. It's silly and superstitious, but I've had two miscarriages in OKC, so it just makes me super nervous. Logically I know that we're not pregnant because of luck and we've not gotten this far because of luck, but nonetheless, I get a little panicky. As always, we are thankful for your prayers and pray for stability and calm. 

Update 😃

My weekly blood test looks good at 24, so we're dropping my progesterone dose down a little (not as much as last time) to see what happens. I have an appointment with my regular OBGYN on Wednesday, but I'll just be meeting with the nurse this time. I am slowly becoming more excited and less stressed, but each appointment and each blood tests brings a certain level of nervousness. I still find it difficult to talk about this pregnancy and I don't have a good reason for it. There is just a lot of anxiety for me when I talk about it...even to my husband. My prayer is for continued good news and peace and comfort. Thank you all for everything! 

Numbers Game

This is the devotional I read last night...and today. A lot of times today. It comes from Sarah's Laughter, a site and group that supports women through the struggles of infertility. 

When The Numbers Don't Add Up Now Zerah the Ethiopian came out against them with an army of a million men...  2 Chronicles 14:9   Numbers matter so much when you are in the battle to conceive a child.  We watch them, record them, track them. We circle numbers on calendars as we wait for the day of a pregnancy test.  We pray that the numbers our doctors will report to us will go up or down.  A husband’s virility is presumably measured by the number on his sperm count.  Nerves are frayed until we get past a certain number of weeks that remind us of the last miscarriage.  The number of candles on the birthday cake bring tears and dread.  Statistics are dooming numbers when lives are consumed by infertility.   Do you realize that numbers have never intimidated God? There has never been a moment in all of time and eternity that God has scratched His holy head and tried to make the numbers work.  In 2 Chronicles, King Asa was facing a massive army of a million men.  He and his men were outnumbered, overpowered and were facing certain defeat.  Asa did the smartest thing he ever could have done when facing an impossible situation: He called on the Name of the Lord.   “Lord, there is no one besides You to help in the battle between the powerful and those who have no strength; so help us O Lord our God, for we trust in You, and in Your name have come against this multitude.  O Lord, You are our God; let not man prevail against You.”   Asa recognized that he was no match the enemy in front of him, but that his enemy was no match for his God!  Scripture tells us that God lead the Ethiopian army right in front of Asa and his men, and even though they were bigger and stronger, Zerah’s army fled.  They ran away!  In fact, the Bible says they were “shattered” and Asa and his outnumbered army carried away much plunder.  All because Asa called upon God and relinquished the battled to Him.   God didn’t worry about a million warriors on the battlefield in King Asa’s day.  He doesn’t worry about low sperm counts or erratic hormone levels in your day.  He is the God who can conquer whatever foe you face, and He can do it despite whatever numbers you are struggling with. When you pray about your battle with infertility, don’t forget that God isn’t scared of your numbers.  Why not use King Asa’s prayer as an example?  You can include your own situations and pray with the same faith this godly man used when he was outnumbered and overwhelmed.  God came through for him and He’ll come through for you. “Lord, there is no one beside You to help in the battle. Infertility (or endometriosis, unexplained infertility, PCOS, miscarriage grief, etc.)  is a powerful foe and I feel I have no strength (or money, or treatment options, etc.) to fight it this month (or today, right now, anymore, etc.); so help us O Lord our God, for we (my spouse and I, or I if you have an unbelieving spouse) trust in You, and in Your name have come against this disease (or financial difficulty, discouragement, lack of agreement between us, indecision, etc.).  O Lord, You are our God.  Let not infertility (or loss, grief, discouragement, etc.) prevail against You." Talk about perfect timing, huh? Now is a good time to tell you that my progesterone is back up to 20 and we saw a beautiful, healthy baby today. We have officially graduated from Dr. Dorsett and get to move on to our regular OBGYN! This baby is so very lucky to have been prayed for so very fervently and steadfastly. This baby is a miracle in so many ways and a lot of the miracle is because of the unceasing prayers landing in heaven. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Panic

So, we finally got a call today with my results from Thursday. They were 12.9. This is not great news. They have upped my dosage and we'll go from there. I. Am. Terrified. Please pray. I've prayed until I no longer have the words. 

Not My Story

Last week my progesterone levels were still looking good and, because at this point my body should take over and produce enough progesterone to continue, my doctor lowered my nightly progesterone dose. Obviously I panicked.  I mean, my doctor has her medical degree, so I should trust her. And I do. But I'm also prone to freaking out over...well...everything. Tomorrow I have another progesterone test and I'm anxiously awaiting the results. Thank you all for reading, praying, loving, and taking me down from every ledge I stand on. 

I heard Hoda Kotb speaking the other day at a commencement ceremony and she was discussing her reluctance to share her story of breast cancer survival. Then, one day, a stranger told her that her story wasn't just for her. Perhaps it was meant to be shared to help others walking her path. I do feel that we are sometimes meant to share our stories and you will never know how blessed we have been by sharing this one. Your support has been nothing short of amazing and miraculous. We love you all! 

Just Perfect

After a day of jumbled nerves and frequent, fervent, prayer we have great news. The baby has a beautiful heartbeat and is measuring exactly on time. Just perfect. We have one more visit with Dr. Dorsett in two weeks and then we graduate to our regular OBGYN. We are ecstatic and over the moon. Thank you for the prayers you've prayed and continue to pray. We love you lots! 

Big Day

So. Tomorrow is the big day. We head to Lubbock to have our sonogram that will measure growth. To say I'm a nervous wreck would be a vast understatement. Sleep doesn't come easy and tears flow randomly. We welcome prayers and good vibes. Thank you all and much, much love!!

Still Pitching a No-Hitter

We had our official first sonogram today. The good news is we saw good growth and heard a pretty heartbeat. The doctor is still a little baffled at the slow initial growth and is proceeding with caution. We have another sonogram on 5/18 and we need to see big growth that day. It's interesting, a friend asked me last night how I was feeling and I told her that I was Trying not to panic even though every single visit and test freaks me out. Like. I don't even like saying I'm pregnant. In fact, I keep the ultrasound pics we have gotten in a sealed envelope and never look at them. My anxiety level is off the charts even though I try to remain calm and cool. Your prayers don't go unnoticed, unfelt, or unappreciated. Most days, they're all that get us through. Love you all! 

Sisterhood

Before I start the meat of this post, let me  say that my progesterone test today came back at a 19.4 which is up from a 16 last week. Thank you for the prayers! And, speaking of prayers, I am overwhelmed by the love and faithfulness you are showing us. When I felt the nudge God was giving me to write about our infertility struggles I selfishly thought He was asking me to share as a cathartic thing for me. I was so wrong. 

Infertility is a sorority no one asks to join and often we don't share our stories with our sisters out of fear or shame or whatever. But, I have found amazing support from friends who have been where I am. They have encouraged, prayed, and cried with me. They have inspired me and helped me through some ugly days. Without the sisterhood I would be lost and broken. God asked me to share our story and along the way  I have been covered in so much love and prayer from those who have been where I am as well as those who have such huge hearts full of empathy and care for us. We feel your prayers every day and we are blessed to have you on this journey with us. 

Hurdles

Rita is an amazing nurse. She called me in today because she could tell I was freaking out. We have a heartbeat!! All looks good. We've upped progesterone injections a little and will check it again on Thursday and we have an ultrasound next Wednesday. Please keep praying. We've jumped one hurdle, but there are a few more to clear! 

News.

This morning I called in to schedule my ultrasound and again I got the nurse that isn't my favorite. She said some things that got me a little nervous, so after they made an appointment for next week (so far away), I asked to have my regular nurse call me. She called a minute ago and suggested I come in today to check things out. Y'all. I'm not feeling good right now...not sure if we're going to get good news today. Please. Please pray. 

No-Hitter

I had another test today, and a nurse (not my usual nurse) called back and seemed a little baffled. My numbers continue to rise and look good, but because of how low they started there's still a little bit of confusion. I call tomorrow to set up a sonogram for next week. Please be in prayer for us as we wait and as we endure a sonogram. For us, they're not all that fun anymore. We've seen heartbeats before, only to go back a week later and see nothing. A friend asked me the other day when we'd finally feel secure, and I just shrugged. There have been so many highs and lows on this journey that we literally just try to make it through the day. Please don't think we're not excited because we are. We sooooooo are. But it all feels kind of like we're pitching a no-hitter and it's just the third inning. Thank you all for everything. You will never know what your texts, prayers, and love mean to us 

Thank you!

Thank you, thank you, thank you! We have been overwhelmed and blessed an amazed by the love and prayers you have given us. Your words of encouragement and love bring me to tears on a daily basis. For so long, I kept everything in because I didn't want anyone to think I was weak. But then, I clearly remember God leading me to open up and share our story. We have been blessed unimaginably by that decision. Our results are in...(do I sound like Ryan Seacrest?) 2,039. Amazing!! I'll have blood drawn again next Thursday, so please keep praying. In our situation, it's hard to ever feel like we're out of the woods, but today we feel encouraged! Love you all!!

Prayin' for 1,000

So I just got off the phone with the nurse. My numbers went up considerably, but the numbers we had today were what we would have wanted the first time I tested. We'll test again next Friday and we're praying for 1,000. The nurse said, and I quote, "we're just gonna pray over it and get a baby." I don't have to tell you that I started crying. So, as it stands, we're not out of the woods yet. Keep praying. 

Prayers, please.

Update: After my blood test yesterday, my dr. called today with results. The results are positive, but my hcg levels aren't as high as she had hoped they would be. We'll retest on Friday. We would love, love, love your prayers. 

A God Thing

So, today is one week since our IUI attempt. I had to have blood drawn today to check progesterone levels and then next week I'll have another draw to check for pregnancy. Clearly, my emotions are all over the place right now (though some of that may have to do with my dying basketball bracket).
I do want to share with you, though, about a bright spot in this particular part of our journey. Last week, after our procedure, we stopped in to see Adam's grandmother and ran into his Uncle Tim as we were leaving. We love Uncle Tim. In fact, I consider Tim and his family to be one of the greatest perks of marrying Adam. Tim stopped us and asked for an update on our journey, and then, right there in the hospital parking lot, he asked to pray with us. Tears were streaming down my face as Tim spoke so clearly and boldly in a fervent prayer for His will to be done. I'm not sure I've ever felt a more powerful prayer. As Adam and I dried our eyes and headed home, we turned to each other and agreed...it was a God thing. God sent Tim to us at that moment to pray specifically for us. Even now I get chills thinking about it. Prayer is huge and effective and cleansing and empowering. Thank you all for praying with us...


Prayer requests for this week: good numbers and a positive pregnancy test!!

Prayer Warriors On Deck

Ok, prayer warriors, you're on deck. We have one really nice egg. It'd be nice to have two, but, as the doc says, we only need one. One more injection tomorrow then we head back on Monday for the IUI procedure. Pray for good things, whatever good things He wants to send our way. Love you all!!

Good News and Clumsy Prayers

I woke up at five, left the house at six and drove four hours to see my doctor. Then, I got back in my car and was home by five in the afternoon. I am exhausted. The drive itself isn't brutal, it's the emotional toll that is overwhelmingly tiring. I got good news, no cysts, and we got the all clear to move on to the next set of injections. But, my doctor is just as confused about why I keep having miscarriages as I am.  She said she hopes this works (it worked the last time she tried it with a patient) and if it doesn't...back to the drawing board we go. So my clumsy prayers are filled with hope and fear. Fear that we have too many follicles and will have to transition into an IVF cycle (something we are just not prepared for in any way, shape, or form) and fear that even if it all looks right on paper, in the end something will still go wrong  and we'll end up with another miscarriage. But, there's still hope. Yesterday, as I sat in the waiting room, I read a devotional from Sarah's Laughter that helped me see a little more clearly.

Have you ever played gin rummy?  I always seemed to get paired up with the best and cockiest player on the block.  I’ll sit and ponder which card to lay down.  With my best bluff face on, I frantically try to remember each and every card each player has laid down and picked up.  If they look closely, they can probably even see the smoke pouring from my ears as my poor brain is trying so desperately to obey the commands I’m giving to decide just which card will win the game for me.  With feigned confidence I not-so-boldly lay my card on the discard pile.  Before my fingerprints have even had time to settle on the card, my opponent snatches it up and glibly proclaims “Thanks!  I can use that!”  I sure hope my disgust isn’t showing too much.  When my turn comes around again, I’m sure that I’ve got em this time.  I’ll hang on to what he needs and I’ll throw something at him that I know is pure garbage.  He’ll never make anything of that.  With that twinkle in his eye, he grins at me and one more time says “Oh great!  Just what I’ve been looking for!  I know I can use that!”  Before long, I’m convinced it doesn’t really matter what I throw at him.  He always finds a way to use it.

Maybe infertility doesn’t seem as easy or as enjoyable as a game of gin rummy, but there is one glaring similarity.  Imagine God as the Master Player in this game we call life.  Satan is His adversary.  To the victor go the spoils and this time the spoils are you.  One by one the cards are dealt.  Satan’s brow is furrowed as he studies his cards.  He’s determined he’ll defeat his opponent.  He holds in his gnarled, vile hand disease, despair, discouragement.  One by one he lays a card on the deck of your life and looks God in the face with an evil smirk.  “She’s infertile, God.  Whatcha gonna do bout that?”  Much to Satan’s wicked, evil surprise, God doesn’t even hesitate:  “Just watch how I can use that.”  Next round--Misunderstanding.  Once again God says  “Not a problem.  I’ll use it to bring them closer to Me.”   “What?  Never mind.”  Satan still has a few tricks up his nasty little sleeve.  But one by one, the Almighty works every card into His master plan and before Satan can even comprehend what has happened, he is once again back in that oh-so-common standing as God’s defeated foe.  No matter what trial he throws in the discard stack, God triumphantly sings out, “I can use that!”  Infertility?  Not a problem.  Marital difficulties?  Just wait and see what the Creator of marriage can bring about!  “Okay--so He can use all these things.  But God, I lost my child.  Even You can’t use that.”  But use it to His glory He will.  

Trust Him with what you understand and with what you don’t.  He’s never failed you.  He never will.

 I get it. Cognitively, I get it. I understand that there's a greater plan unfolding, but I'm tired, I'm numb, I'm weary. Sometimes I feel nothing, sometimes I feel everything. But I'm trying really, really hard to just trust. Trust in Him, trust in the journey, and trust that He'll continue to speak to us and guide us. Thank you for your prayers...their impact is felt daily.

Whatever He Gives Us

Every time we talk to our doctor about our new fertility plan, she warns us about the possibility of having multiples. Our response is always the same...we laugh and tell her we'll take whatever God gives us. But, lately I've been thinking about our answer. How true is it to say that we'll take whatever He gives us? Are we willing to accept not having another child? I know I'm supposed to say that I'm going to be okay even if His plan for us is more heartache and loss, but honestly, I can't say that. And I'm not sure how to handle that. In fact, if I'm being completely, brutally honest, I've found it hard to pray about our fertility journey. It's not that I don't have faith that God can do what He says He can do, or that He is crafting a perfect story for us. It's that I'm not sure what He wants us to do. I'm not sure if we're on the right path or if we're going rogue and He's waiting for us to turn back. Nothing feels easy and every decision seems daunting.
 
Most days I feel mechanical as I go through the motions and procedures for each day of my cycle, but it feels robotic...and so do my prayers. So many times I've prayed fervently and desperately about a pregnancy or a plan only to find it crashing around me while I sit devastated and broken...now it's like I've become numb to it all. Good news is accompanied more by fear and panic than joy and celebration these days and I know the underlying panic I have is leaking into my prayer life. I haven't stopped praying, I just know I'm not doing a very good job of it these days. And, as I head to another appointment tomorrow, I'm filled with panic and dread as we wait to see if we move on to the next stage of our plan or if we must start again. As always, we are so grateful and thankful for your prayers and support. Please pray for strength and courage and a good report tomorrow....and that we can handle whatever He gives us.

Blame it on the Hormones

This is a long overdue update, but, blame it on the hormones.

Our doctor is amazing. I asked her pretty bluntly if there was any hope for us. This roller coaster ride is so violent and earth shattering that, after a loss, we are always unsure about our next steps. Thankfully, our Dr. Dorsett expressed not only hope, but an aggressive plan of action. I won't bore you with the mega-scientific details, but just know that if I'm crying for no reason, it's because of the massive amounts of hormones being flushed into my system. Because of the new game plan, we do have a couple of pretty specific prayer requests. One, that there are no complications with the cycle next month. We need it to be pretty textbook and, as the doctor says, beautiful. Two, we need less than four eggs to mature. Any more than that and she would either abandon the cycle or move us to IVF and that's a (mega costly) road we're not ready to travel.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again, your prayers and support are what keep us going. Thank you isn't enough...but thank you just the same.

Nothing is Too Anything For Him

This week we have an appointment with our wonderful doctor to (hopefully) create a new plan of action for our journey. If you're praying for us, we ask for specific prayers for our doctor to develop a plan that will be beneficial and one we can fiscally handle.

My time in prayer has been largely focused on Matthew 14:22-33. This is where Jesus walks on water and Peter joins him until Peter realized the wind was raging around him and he became afraid. His fear caused him to sink as he cried out for the Lord to save him.

Y'all. I am so like Peter. I have been praying for strength to continue walking with Jesus in spite of my fears over our infertility journey. We are so unsure about our next steps and about how/when/if we'll have another baby. I know that instead of looking to Jesus, I get caught up in the storm of this season. Jesus said to Peter, "O you of little faith, why did you doubt?" and I know I have moments of little faith. I have days when it all seems too hard, too expensive, too impossible...and I forget that nothing is too anything for Him. Please continue to pray with me as we go through this week and navigate the new hurdles in our path. 

New Year

This is the post I've been trying to write for over a year.

This is the post I've avoided writing for over a year.

I have written and rewritten it  in the shower, at stoplights, and in line at the grocery store. But I never get it right...I can't seem to get it all put together the way I want. I don't want to seem weak, I don't want to struggle, I don't want to admit that I'm so terribly lost. I'm afraid for those around me to see what I'm feeling because I don't know how they'll respond. So...I've decided to quit trying for perfection and just write...here goes nothing.

Since February of 2014 I have had four positive pregnancy tests and four miscarriages. The latest occurred right before Thanksgiving this year and, in many ways, it was the most devastating.  My first loss was in March 2014 and I thought, along with my previous doctor, that this was just "one of those things." So, our next pregnancy seemed more hopeful...until it wasn't. In August 2014, a second pregnancy ended too early, but I felt encouraged because I switched doctors and I felt like we had a good game plan. Then the third loss in December 2014 ended with a referral to a specialist. Hallelujah! We thought we were finally on the right track. Surely NOW we had it all figured out. We began seeing our specialist in January but because of my PCOS, we faced hurdles every month and were only able to try to get pregnant three times in 2015. It finally worked in November...until it didn't. Our fourth loss has me reeling with devastation and fear and doubt. Unlike the losses before, I'm unable to find hope here. Instead, I'm questioning our path, questioning God, questioning myself.

What does this all mean? Why are we continually told no? We are emotionally, spiritually, and financially exhausted. The visits to the doctor (4 hours away), the shots, medication, mood swings...it all feels like a mountain that grows faster than we can hike. For me, this pressure bleeds into my everyday life. I know that friendships have suffered because some days it's all I can do to make it to lunch without crying. It's a constant struggle to keep a smile on my face when I'm worried about what's going to happen this cycle or if we should even keep trying. I know I suffer in silence because I won't allow others in, but I don't know how. The topic of miscarriage and infertility is so hard to identify with. I have so many friends that are walking this journey, but even our stories vary so much. It's just impossible to really understand the road someone is walking and I honestly don't have the energy to explain it most days...but today I'll try.

Every day I wake up and my first thought is "I'm broken." I am fundamentally flawed to the point that my body will not perform the most basic act it was designed to preform. Then, I spend the rest of my day throwing up prayers that vary from asking for help for a particular cycle issue to help in making it through my first class without crying. I obsess over blood test results and medical research. I dread looking at the calendar because every month holds an anniversary of some devastation or another. If  you see me and I look like a zombie, trust me...I feel like one, too.

Some days are better than others. Some days are hell. And, as I start 2016 I don't know how to feel. Last year, I remember looking ahead to 2015 and seeing such hope and excitement because I thought 2014 was pretty much rock bottom, but 2015 had its own share of challenges. I'm not sure where I go from here, but, because I think these stories of loss and the navigation of those losses are important, I want to share our story. I used to look at others who had suffered losses and think, "that's not as bad as my story," or "wow...her story makes mine seem like a cake walk." But, the truth is, all of our stories are painful and gut wrenching and devastating and eventually beautiful. I think, though, that often they're not told because we fear judgement for our raw emotions or we think it's not appropriate to discuss this type of pain. My resolution this year is to share our journey and whatever it may hold because we aren't the only ones suffering and there is comfort in sharing our pain with others.

Buckle up...it's going to be a bumpy ride.