My Grandma

Today is a day that I never thought would come.

That might have been a little naive of me, but I thought that if anyone could defy death, it would be her.

I'm not sure how to put my emotions into words right now, but I'll try.

Everyone who ever met her was touched. She had crystal blue eyes and an easy laugh. She loved listening to Christmas music...even in July. Her touch could heal anything from the chicken pox to a broken heart. She taught me to drive, to cook, to appreciate early morning sunrises and to be thankful for what you have. She taught me about God, family and strength. The world was a better place because she was in it.

I was so fortunate to call her Grandma, and even more fortunate to call her friend.

She passed away about 4 hours ago and I'm still processing it. It's as if there were two of her. I'm at peace with the fact that the frail woman struggling to breathe in that hospital bed is gone, but I'll never recover from losing my friend, my partner in crime, my teacher, my rock...my Grandma.

Bad Jobs, Bad Boyfriends and Bad Haircuts...

How do other people survive without friends like mine?

I'm constantly aware of the near-perfect group of friends that I have, but there are times when their greatness is more prevalent than others.

I recently celebrated my 25th birthday and an engagement, and I was so very lucky to be able to celebrate with the people I love most; my fiance' and my beautiful, funny friends.

There was a moment during the evening of good food and drink and conversation when I just sat back and looked at the people that surrounded me. The handsome man beside me who has so bravely decided to love me forever, and the beautiful friends who understand what a circus I am, and love me for it anyway.

These are the friends that I call when I'm happy, when I'm sad or when I just need to laugh so hard I cry.

I am constantly amazed by their generosity, their grace, their humor and their unconditional love.

God has blessed me so wonderfully and so beautifully and I thank Him everyday for giving me people who love me even when I have mascara streaming down my face and smoke coming out of my ears.

My friends keep me sane, they keep me grounded and they keep me laughing through the good times and the bad.

I don 't have to name you all, you know who you are...and you should also know how much I love you, but in case I don't tell you enough...thank you for loving me through bad jobs, bad boyfriends and bad haircuts...I promise I'll make it up to you someday...

I light up

I've spent the better part of 24...almost 25 years searching for my lobster and there was a time in my life when I thought I'd found him. In fact, I was sure he was it...if he would just change the way he spoke to me...or if he could just be there for me when I needed him to...or if I could get him to understand how important my career is to me...or if he...well, you get the picture.

I spent 3 years trying to fit him into my plan...into God's plan...and I never understood why it wasn't working. Part of it might have been that I was doing all the relationship work on my own...but the other, bigger part was that it just wasn't right. And really, I think I knew that. In the back of my mind, I knew if I could just give up on him...on us...then God would answer my prayers and send me the man I needed...but I was stubborn...and more than a little scared. But when I finally let go, when I finally realized the man I thought was my lobster was merely an imitation, my real lobster walked through my door.

And slowly, but surely, God has shown me that I don't have to compromise. He has shown me that I can have all I ever wanted...and so much more. It's unbelievable to me to think I lived so long without the tenderness I have now. It's even more unbelievable to think I was willing to live without it forever.

My new lobster...my perfect lobster...is so much more than I could have ever dreamed I wanted or deserved. He takes care of me...he listens to me...he wants me to be happy...and I'm so very happy with him...

And he says I light up the room when I walk in...what he doesn't realize is, I light up because he's there when I walk through the door...

I call him Daddy

I'm a daddy's girl.

My entire life, I've believed that no matter what was wrong or what I needed fixed, my daddy could do it. From broken toys to broken hearts, my daddy could make anything all better again. He's never let me down. He's always been there with a smile, a word of encouragement and a hug so big and strong that I felt like nothing could ever hurt me again. He's been my life-long hero, my loudest and proudest supporter and the man I've compared every guy I ever dated to.

He was never the dad that came home from work and plopped into a chair. He did dishes, laundry, cooked dinner and always found time for me and my mom. He took care of me when I was sick...staying up with me all night when I had the chicken pox as a kid...and in college, when I had my tonsils out, he stayed with me all night and woke me up every three hours to give me my medicine...in a shot glass.

One of my very favorite memories of him is from the summer after I graduated high school. He and I took a road trip...just the two of us...to Henrietta, Oklahoma (home of Troy Aikman, if you didn't know). We were on the hunt for a few good sows...or at least a reprieve from everyday life. We stayed in a charming hotel...and by charming I mean I wouldn't walk around without socks on and I refused to drink the water. But it was one of the most amazing trips of my life.

We both knew that this was my last trip with him before I went off to chase my dreams, and I remember silently crying on the way back home because I didn't ever want to grow up and not be his little girl.

And here I am...grown up...or something like it...and I'm proud to say I'm still his little girl. I'm still stubborn and impatient and pretty sure I'm always right...all traits my mom says daddy gave me...and that makes me proud.

And I pray every night that a man like him comes into my life and wants to love me half as much as he loves my mom...and if not, then I'm happy knowing that I've already found my perfect man...I call him daddy.

I'm still Cinderella

I'm not sure how to explain how I'm feeling right now.

I'm so happy and scared and confused and sad and unsure and angry and frustrated and alone. And I'm so tired.

I'm tired of everyone elses lives just falling into place so perfectly while mine constantly looks like a train wreck. And is it my fault? What did I do to end up in a life with so many road bumps?

It was supposed to be so easy...graduate high school...graduate college...find a great job...get married...have babies...live happily ever after.

But instead, I graduated from high school...graduated from college...fell in love, but it fell apart...4 times...got a job that I didn't hate, but didn't love...and I'm well on my way to being a professional wedding planner...where did I go wrong?

Granted, things are looking up in my professional life, but just when that gets all worked out, everything falls apart.

I'm tired of coming home alone every night.

I'm tired of being the lonely girl.

And yes, readers, I know...I have so much to be thankful for. I have great family and super friends. But at night...when it gets quiet...I'm still alone.

And everyone else has their fairy tale ending and I'm still Cinderella.

I'll think about that tomorrow

"You can't ride two horses with one ass, Sugarbean." ~Sweet Home Alabama~

I'm not sure when it happened, or why it happened for that matter, but at some moment in the last two months...my life became a movie...cue the lights...roll the credits...Whitney's riding two horses with one ass and it's a helluva show...

And I'm the star.

And I'm not Bridget Jones enough to find a fine British gent to rescue me.

And I'm not Elle Woods enough to bluff my way out of it.

And I'm not Cinderella enough to believe that Prince Charming is the guy holding the glass slipper.

Nope.

Not me.

I'm more of the Scarlett O'Hara character...I'll think about all this drama surrounding me tomorrow...never you mind that Tara's about to burst into flames and I've buried 2 husbands, 2 parents and my only child and my sweet Rhett is running out the door. No, no...I'll think about it tomorrow.

But tomorrow's closing in on me and I still don't have a solution. And really, I'm no closer to a solution than I was yesterday...or the day before yesterday.

I'm just as confused and scared and unsure as I was when I saddled up those two horses. And my ass is getting sore. And I gotta pick a horse to finish the race with. And I gotta do it quick.

But I'll think about that tomorrow.

What else could a girl ever need?

I know I've said it before, but I think I need to say it again.

I'm the luckiest girl in the world. God saw something so special in me that He decided to give me to two of the most kind, loving, funny and smart people in the world. I'm not sure what I did, or what I'll ever do, to deserve to be their daughter, but I'm sure glad I did it.

My parents have loved me and supported me through everything I've ever done. From pigtails to pig shows, they were always there for me. My own personal cheering section. They had hugs and smiles for a job done well, and they shared tears and disappointment when things didn't end up the way I'd hoped they would.

They've always trusted my judgement, and they've molded me into the strong woman I am today. But they've also always made sure I knew that if I needed a soft place to fall, their arms were always open to me.

I've never felt like I couldn't talk to them about something, though many times I do keep things to myself. It's not because I don't trust them, it's simply part of my personality. Really, it's a testament to them and how they've raised me to be so independent.

But there are times when I don't know what to do. When I'm faced with a situation so confusing and scary and unknown that all I want is my mommy. And she's always there. Day or night. She's just a phone call away and she's there for me when I just want to talk. She gives me her special pep-talk and helps me laugh the tears away.

And then she hands the phone to Daddy.

And Daddy always makes me laugh. He always has a calm, level-headed perspective and he always tells me that I'm his little girl and that he'll always love me.

And really, what else could a girl ever need?

I pray

I sit here with tears streaming down my face.

I stumbled upon some of the MySpace pages of the victims of the VT shooting.

Written on those pages are comments from friends and family. Many are dated sometime on the day of the shooting. Frantic requests that their loved ones call them and let them know that they're okay. Their friends and families had no way of knowing that their son or daughter or best friend was already gone.

The more recent comments are words of love and thankfulness and sadness, and I can't help but wonder, what kind of life am I living?

Am I living the life that I want to be remembered for?

Am I being the person God wants me to be?

Would my friends and family be able to say the same things about me?

I have so many questions, which is really nothing new for me...but my heart is hurting.

I ache for the families and friends and classmates of the victims, and I pray for them daily.

But I pray for me, too.

I pray for my friends. I pray for my family. I pray for strength. I pray for guidance. I pray for vision. I pray for grace...

I pray.

And I cried

I will never leave you, nor forsake you
Hebrews 13: 5


I sit here listening as officials attempt to explain what happened yesterday on the campus of Virginia Tech. Their words are meant to comfort those who are reeling from the tragic events of yesterday. They are trying to explain their actions; they are trying to justify the steps that they took.

And I sit here and wonder.

I can't help but think of the families of the victims and wonder what they hear when these officials speak. I wonder if these explanations sound empty and cold. There is nothing that a police chief or a president of a university or a secretary of state can say that will allow a mother to hold her child again. That will bring a father home to his children. That will ease the pain of this tremendous loss.

I imgaine that the only comfort these families will eventually find, is comfort in their faith. Faith that tells them their loved one is in the arms of God and that they no longer feel pain. Faith that opens their hearts to healing. Faith that allows tears to fall, with the knowledge that one day it will get better. Faith that God never forsakes us, never leaves us and always has His hand on our hearts.

Yesterday was a bad day for me. I sort of lost myself in the minor tragedies of my own life, but as I was saying my prayers last night, I realized how much I had to be thankful for. I knew that the families of those killed yesterday would give anything to have the minor problems I sulked about all day, instead of the ones of funeral arrangements and burial plots. And I felt a little stupid. And I felt a little selfish. And I felt a lot sad.

And I cried.

Talk amongst yourselves...

Is he still The One if he wins by process of elimination?

That is all...talk amongst yourselves...post some messages below...and we'll see how it shakes out....

Lather, Rinse, Repeat

"Don't fear the future, God's already there."

I sincerely wish I'd been the one to write those words, but I wasn't.

Instead, I'm one of the lucky ones that got to read them. And now, so are you.

Those words speak so loudly to me.

I'm in a place in my life where the future is so unpredictable and it scares me and excites me at the same time. I don't know where I'm headed, when I'll get there or who will be there with me. And soon, I'll have to make big decisions that will have a huge impact on my future, and that scares me. I don't feel like I'm qualified to make those decisions, but I don't want anyone else making them for me, either.

So once again, you find me lost and confused and emotional and scared.

My life reads like a shampoo bottle: Lather, Rinse, Repeat.

I'm stuck in an endless cycle of confusion and unpredictable emotions. And I know that I shouldn't be concerned about what might happen in 10 minutes...or hours...or months...or even years. I shouldn't be frightened of the unknown, because whatever happens, wherever I go, God will be there.

He's hanging out there with an iced cold Dr. Pepper and a smile, and He's ready to lead me into the next unpredictable chapter of my life.

So here I go again.( I can hear you all singing...don't pretend you're not )

I don't want to be plastic, I want to be loved

From "Gift From The Sea" by Anne Morrow Lindbergh

When you love someone, you do not love them all the time, in exactly the same way, from moment to moment. It is an impossibility. It is even a lie to pretend to. And yet this is exactly what most of us demand. We have so little faith in the ebb and flow of life, of love, of relationships. We leap at the flow of the tide and resist in terror its ebb. We are afraid it will never return. We insist on permanency, on duration, on continuity; when the only continuity possible, in life as in love, is in growth, in fluidity - in freedom, in the sense that the dancers are free, barely touching as they pass, but partners in the same pattern.

I won't love him all the time in exactly the same way. Sometimes he'll drive me beyond crazy. Sometimes I'll want to grab him by the shoulders and shake him until he sees things my way. Sometimes I'll look at him and wonder what planet he dropped in from.

And sometimes, I'll hold his hand and look up at him and can't believe that he's mine.

And sometimes, he'll surprise me with his sheer, honest sweetness, and he'll just takes my breath away.

And sometimes, he'll be the only person who can make it better.

The thing is, even though I feel this way...and recognize the way things are, I can't help but yearn for complete perfection. But reading the excerpt above made me realize something; it made me happy to be in the middle of an ebbing and flowing relationship instead of one that's cookie-cutter perfection.

I don't want to be in a relationship where it's all perfect, because where's the reality in that? I don't want a Barbie and Ken relationship...I don't want to be plastic, I want to be loved. I want to laugh together when I make lumpy gravy or he accidentally hits his thumb with a hammer. I want to be able to have a heated discussion and walk away knowing that even though our tempers got out of control, our love is just as strong as ever.

So the importance isn't that you have a perfect love 100% of the time...It's just important to be loved...

One hell of a hot butterfly

The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them. ~Thomas Merton

I've said it before, there's a certain amount of change that we must endure in order to be in a healthy relationship...the key word here is healthy, because I believe that in a good, beautiful relationship the change that takes place is very much like the metamorphosis a caterpillar experiences as she becomes a butterfly.

The caterpillar begins as a creepy, crawly, icky little thing and becomes a beautiful, graceful, fluttering piece of art. That's how it should be in a relationship. You should be more by being loved by someone...more beautiful...more giving...more happy...just more.

But the change that takes place should be a change of nature, not of force. The other person shouldn't dictate the specifics of the change, they shouldn't force you to become someone else, because you will only become someone you don't know...someone you probably don't want to be...someone who will crumble if the relationship fails.

I've changed...in so many ways, I've changed. I'll be the first to admit that some of the changes I made were forced...I changed because of perception, not reality. But I learned, and I fixed it, and I became who I am today, and who I am is a strong, beautiful woman; I don't depend on anyone for my happiness, and I'm happier because of it.

It took me a long time to sort through everything that's happened with him, because quite frankly, there's a hell of a lot of stuff to sort through...but I crawled through it as a caterpillar and emerged as a butterfly...and I'm one hell of a hot butterfly.

I'm not even sure I'm standing

Sometimes the expected simply pales in comparison to the unexpected. You got to wonder why we cling to our expectations, because the expected is just what keeps us steady. Standing. Still. The expected's just the beginning, the unexpected is what changes our lives. ~Meredith Grey, Grey's Anatmoy~


H is new to my life, but she brought me this quote, and I love her for it.

The unexpected is what changes our lives.

Think about that...right now...think about that.

The unexpected turn you took in your life, the unexpected love, the unexpected birth. Those things are what made you who you are right now.

The expected doesn't change you, it just falls into place and keeps your regularly scheduled life running right on track, but those unexpected twists and turns, those shaky moments when we're unsure of our lives and our hearts and where we're headed and what road we should take are the things that form our lives.

It's so easy to see why we gravitate towards the expected...it's safe.

It's easy to stay in an unhappy place in your life because at least you know what you're getting; if you were to venture out and let the unexpected happen to you, who knows what would happen? The fear of the unknown keeps us stuck in the expected.

Unexpected is happening to me a lot right now.

His actions are unexpected...his words are unexpected...my feelings are unexpected, and I don't know yet where this unexpected road will lead...because although everything he's saying and doing is unexpected, he is not. I don't know what it all means yet...I'm still sorting out what I can live with and what I can't...what I can deal with forever, and what I don't want to. See, even my expected is unexpected...goodness, I'm a mess...

So, I'm not steady. I'm not still. And I'm not even sure I'm standing.

You have to understand ugly to understand love.

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."
"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.
"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."
"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"
"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

-- by Margery Williams, from The Velveteen Rabbit --

I am a child of literature.

Growing up, I always had a book in hand. Maybe that's why as I grew older, I found it easiest to express myself in the written form.

There are times when I just feel like writing, I can't explain it, but I think that's why I love literature so much; it is so much more than just words strung together. It's the heart and soul of the author. It's such a beautiful experience to read someone's work and realize that you've lived that moment, and you know exactly how the author felt when she was writing. It gives you chills.

I read The Velveteen Rabbit as a child, and I remember loving it, but when I read this section as an adult, I got chills.

Love makes you real, and eventually love makes you ugly, but it's okay. Because when you're loved you're beautiful...no matter what.

But you have to understand ugly to understand love.

The gray hair doesn't matter...the scars are unimportant...the wrinkles disappear.

When you are loved, those things are just reminders of beautiful memories and wonderful years together.

Someday, I'm going to be ugly and in love...and I can't wait.

She's the best thing Kansas ever did

I have fantastic friends. They love me and always make me laugh and I am so thankful for all of them.

S had me in stitches last night.

She and I went to watch the Lady Raiders beat Missouri and as usual, S and I contemplated the mysteries of life.


I love my S. She's one of my best friends...she keeps me laughing...at others and at myself...I'm such a lucky girl to have her...she's the best thing Kansas ever did.

P.S.

Note to the skanky pom-pom girl at the game. Honey, I understand that you need birth control. And I'm so proud of you for being responsible enough to protect yourself, and society, from an unwanted spawn of yours. But please understand that putting your birth control patch on your hip right above the low rise waistband of your painted on black pant-type things and right below the stretchy tank-top thing you're wearing as a shirt is beyond tacky. I was 34 rows up and my view was paritally blocked by a basketball goal and a hovering hot-air balloon and I could still see how well you were protecting yourself...and the football team...from a paternity suit. Next time, put that baby on your butt.

Math lied

In the book of life, the answers aren't in the back. Charlie Brown

Wow, sounds like Charlie's talking to me, huh?

I remember in high school our algebra teacher would assign us certain problems to do at night. The odd numbered problems were easy to do...the answers to those were in the back, but the even numbered ones...oh I hated those. I'm not a math girl at all. I'm a writer. That's what I do. I don't do math. At all. So I learned to rely on those odd numbered math problems to get me through.

Where are my odd numbered life lessons? Where are the ones with answers in the back of the book?

There are so many variables in my life right now. So many questions. And no cheat sheet. No back of the book.

It's all up to me.

And part of me is okay with that. I love that I get to write my own story and forge my own path and make my life what I want it to be.

But the other part of me?

Yeah...scared to death.

What if I make a wrong decision? What if I take a wrong turn? What if I carry the two instead of dividing it...or whatever?

See...math ruined me.

Math made it okay to look at the back of the book.

Math taught me that sometimes, the answers are given to you.

Math lied.

T and O

T almost made me cry.

She came to me and told me that it was, and I quote, "a blessing to have me in her life."

Oh my goodness! How sweet is that!!

What she doesn't know is that I was thinking the same thing.

This job can get a little monotonous, and she seems to be my kindred spirit in the office. She gets my jokes and laughs at just the right moment. She thinks I'm hilarious and I think she's adorable.

I miss her when she's gone and am so much more happy when she's here. Her stories about her family and her life are so entertaining and I love her so.

Come to think of it, I'm super blessed in the office because I get to have O, too.

I've known O since college, but didn't really get to know her until I took this job. I'm so lucky that I did.

She is such a beautiful person and she provides such great guidance for me. She is truly a blessing and I can't help but be happy in her presence. In many ways she's my hero and I love her so very much.

God did a good thing when he sent T and O to me. I don't deserve them but I love them more and more each day.

Saltshaker Moments

I read this today, and wanted to share.

"One morning I was sitting at my kitchen table, staring into space. It was one of those windy days when the sun keeps coming out and going in. All of a sudden, a sunbeam crossed my kitchen table and lit up my crystal saltshaker. There were all kinds of colors and sparkles. It was one of the most beautiful sights I'd ever seen. But you know, that very same saltshaker had been on that kitchen table for over fifty years. Surely there must have been other mornings when the sun crossed the table like that, but I was just too busy getting things done. I wondered what else I'd missed. I realized that this was it...this was grace."

When I read that I just stopped. I remembered when I was a little girl and I stayed with Grandma. She has always been an early riser, so we'd get up really early...make coffee and hot chocolate and sit at her old wooden table in the kitchen and talk. We had our very own saltshaker moment, but the colors and sparkles that I saw weren't the morning sun bouncing off of a saltshaker, it was the twinkle in the crystal blue of Grandma's eyes.

I was such a blessed little girl to grow up so close to Grandma. She has always been my best friend and number one fan. I know that I've always made her proud, and she's a constant source of faith and love for me.

She is my hero. She is my confidant. She is my compass.

I am so lucky to have so many saltshaker memories of her. She taught me to cook, to play the piano, to laugh, to love, to be Godly, to never give up, to always be happy, to be generous. I am the person I am today because of who she is and how much she loved me.

Because of her, I thank God every day for wooden tables and saltshaker moments.

If you find a lobster, it's best not to let him go

"You might not be his first, his last or his only...and he's loved before and he might love again. But, if he wants to be with you now what else matters? He's not perfect, and you aren't either. But, if he can make you laugh and admits to being human and making mistakes, hold onto him and give the most you can. He isn't going to quote poetry, and he might not be thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you can break. Don't hurt him, don't change him, don't expect more than he can give and don't analyze...smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad and miss him when he's not there..."

I ran across this the other day, and I felt like whoever wrote that was speaking directly to me.

Those of you who know me well, or at the very least have read my blogs, know that I question everything in my life. From what color of socks to wear to the man in my life, it's one question after the other with me.

But I've learned to focus on the important things, and let the not-so-important ones fall into place.

I've learned that what he does is more important than what he says.

I've learned that having similar goals and wants and needs in life is more important than having someone in your life who says all the right things, but can't remember to call you back.

I've learned that it's important to accept change in people.

I've learned that what my heart tells me is more important than what others say.

I've learned to love without reservation, and I've learned to just trust in what I feel, so that no matter what, I can say that I gave all I had and did all I could to make it work.

I've learned that if you find a lobster, it's best not to let him go.

Love is complicated

There's a certain amount of changing we must endure in order to be in a good relationship. We stop throwing our wet towels on the bedroom floor, do the dishes every night before bed and shave our legs more than once a week.

We watch football with ten sweaty guys when we'd rather be curled up on the couch with just one of those sweaty boys, we get ear plugs so we can sleep through the snoring and we pretend we love it when he plays his X-Box.

They change, too, ya know. They watch Meg Ryan movies, clean their shower so we can avoid catching an unknown virus and stash all those magazines in an undisclosed location.

But where's the line drawn for changing. When is enough, enough. When do you stop caring if he plays X-Box all night and just accept that that's who he is?

And what about the bigger things? The aversion to wearing a wedding ring...to being in uncomfortable social situations? How much change can be expected?

We change when we love someone...sometimes for the better...sometimes for the not so better...I guess the trick is finding the right person, so you can change together...with each other and not for each other...

Man, love is so complicated...