Why is it all or nothing with me? Why am I head over heals or indifferent? Where is my middle ground?
My mother says this is the way I've always been, and really, she should know...she's knows best, right? She says it goes back to infancy. That I always saw very clearly in black and white, and NEVER in gray. Something was either right or wrong, there was no in between for me...ever.
There was an instance when I was about 7 or 8 and we were on a family vacation to Colorado or something. We were at some historical site or park or whatever and there was a sign that said, "Please do not take the rocks." This place had pretty rocks...certainly those worthy of theft, and my parents, wanting a token from this beautiful rock garden, picked a couple up and snuck them into their pockets. I was livid. The rules were clearly stated. NO rocks. I protested adamantly, and my parents, probably stunned that their young daughter was lecutring them on following the rules, dropped the rocks and thanked me for keeping them from doing something wrong.
So see, it's in my blood. Even when people I love are involved, I'm very black and white in terms of what I see. Which is fine and dandy until it comes to matters of the heart.
I've learned that the heart carries many different colors. Sure there are blacks and whites, but there are deep, crimson reds of passion and cool blues of indifference and jade greens of jealousy and vibrant pinks of a new love...and every color and emotion in between.
So why can't I be okay with feeling all of those emotions?
Why can't I understand what my heart is going through?
Why can't I understand what his heart is going through?
Why do I demand so much of something that's demanded so little of me?
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