That's what the experts say...

Your memory is a monster; you forget - it doesn't. It simply files things away. It keeps things for you, or hides things from you - and summons them to your recall with a will of its own. You think you have a memory; but it has you! John Irving
John Irving is one of my favorite authors...look him up...he's got good stuff, but let's get to the point, his quote. It's true. Your memory is a bit like a monster. Memories of days gone by, or love lost, or promises broken can sneak up on you at the strangest times. Just when you thought you'd forgotten the good, the bad or whatever...your memory brings it up at the grocery store, or in your car, or at the mall, or when you're getting your nails done. Suddenly, you're forced to remember. You have no choice. It's playing like a movie with no stop button. It plays over and over for a while. You beg yourself to forget, but it's impossible. Your memory found this clip and it won't let go. So you're forced to endure, forced to be taken back to a time you're not sure you want to be in. Forced to remember how he smells, how he feels, and how he left. Forced to remember how he made you smile, and how he made you cry. Forced to relive the butterflies and the heartbreak. You have no choice. Your memory took you here and it won't let you go.

Why is it, you think, that our memory betrays us? Does it know something we don't? Is it trying to show us something we missed? Should we pay closer attention this time through, catch more details? Would that make us understand more? Or is the lesson deeper, something we'll not understand until the memories are accepted. Something not fully grasped until we realize these memories aren't meant to hurt us. They're simply moments in time with someone we love, moments that may sting now, but surely moments we'll someday treasure.

At least that's what the experts say...

Sigh

So how do you know when someone's THE ONE. Now, I know that some people don't believe in there just being ONE person, but I do. I have to believe that when God created me, He had someone in mind for me to end up with. Since I was a little girl, I have prayed to God that He watch over and protect and guide my forever guy and I continue to pray for that. But my question is...how do I know when I find him? It's not like we have a code word that we can whisper to each other and know for sure that we've chosen the right life partner. Becuase, sure...I believe there's ONE guy out there for me, but I'm human...what if I screw up...or what if the person I think is the ONE is just the ONE in sheep's clothing...I'm so ready to find him, I'm so ready to embark on that part of my life...I want the house and the picket fence and the 3.2 kids and the dogs barking...and the truth is, I could have settled long ago for that, but it was with the wrong guy. Why is it so easy to know when it's wrong but so much harder to know when it's right? So many questions...and no answers..*sigh*

The rest will happen...right?

I didn't love her because it was right; I just loved her. The Horse Whisperer

How simple that sounds. He just loved her. No matter what. No matter how. No matter where. He loved her. He decided that God had sent her to him and he would love her and he would take care of her. She left him, but really that's another blog entirely, for our purposes, just for today, I just want to focus on those last four words. I just loved her. Wow. Think about that, how undeniably beautiful is that. It makes it so easy. That's how I want it to be. I want to just accept that I'm in love and then let the rest of it fall into place. I don't want to go into it worrying about kids and a house and a wedding, I just want to be in love and know that it's the forever kind and just go from there. Isn't that how it's supposed to be? After the falling in love part happens, the rest sort of just falls into place. Now, I'm not a total romantic. I know that relationships, by definition, require a great deal of work and dedication. But to simply be loved. To let that be it. To know that no matter what, where or when, you were loved and that that love was never going away...that's all I want...the rest will happen...right?

Till the pain fades...

So...my head hurts. And let me give you a rundown of the drugs I've taken today. Started off with 2 Tylenol Sinus pills, followed by 2 Advil Migraines, 2 Pain Crushers, 2 SinuTabs, 2 more Advil Migraines and 2 ValHist's...then as I was about to take my THIRD dose of Advil Migraine, I finally read the label, because clearly I was doing something wrong...it says, and I quote, "do not take more than 2 capsules in a 24 hour period." Well, crap. Do you think they could have told me that 2 doses ago??!? Yes, yes, O., I know they expect me to read the labels, but I gave up reading them in jr. high when I read on my bottle of Midol "do not take if pregnant." Really? How stupid do these drug manufacturers think I am? Now, to all of you who are now concerned about my overdose on over-the-counter medication, it is currently 3:33, and I haven't started convulsing or halucinating yet, however the headache is gone, so the moral of this story? Keep popping pills till the pain fades...

I'm running away to the circus

How do you think I'd do in the circus? I mean, I've been described AS a circus...someone so comical and witty and entertaining that I'm a one-woman show, but do you think I could be part of the circus? I mean, eventually I'm gonna want to branch out and do my own thing, but after today, and after my impending firing ( I've had a pretty rough day at work, if you hadn't figured it out) I'm gonna need someone to lean on for a while, and I think the circus people just might be the folks for me. Because really, I'll be the most normal of them all, and I could be their queen. They could love me and support me, and they don't have anything to do with the USDA, so I think I'd be safe there....

*it is occurring to me, that this blog will only make sense to my office mates, nevertheless, the USDA kinda sucks, and if anyone needs a girl with her ag ed degree...let me know...I may be in the market...

The truth is...

The truth is, it's hard to move on. It's hard to pick up the pieces of your heart and try to put it back together. It's hard to put on a happy face and pretend that it doesn't hurt.

The truth is, that song will always remind me of him, even though I haven't listened to it in five months.

The truth is, it's still hard to go to sleep at night without hearing his voice.

The truth is, he made me happy.

The truth is, I find myself still loving him, still wanting him in my life.

The truth is, I don't want to be without him, but I am.

The truth is, I thought he was the one.

The truth, is it's over.

The truth is, it's hard to move on, but I will anyway.

What would happen?

Tomorrow is the most important thing in life. Comes into us at midnight very clean. It's perfect when it arrives and it puts itself in our hands. It hopes we've learned something from yesterday- John Wayne

What a beautiful way to look at life, and how touching is it that those words came from The Duke? As rough and tumble and tough as he was, he still had the capabilities to see how truly beautiful each day we're given is. Instead of dreading what tomorrow will bring, shouldn't we look at it as perfection and something that we have total control over? Something that we can take and mold into whatever we want it to be? It's so hard to do that. It's so hard to not be consumed with the what-if's and but's and the wonderings of what the future will bring, but wouldn't it be great it we could just step back and realize how much the future depends on us? How much OUR future depends on us? If we could take each day, and make the absolute most of it, if we could promise ourselves that every day would be a good day, what would happen?

Fate and all that

There's a quote I read somewhere once that said "Anyone will stand by you when you're right, but a true friend will stand by you even when you're wrong." While this may not apply in all situations, it does in this one. I am so infinitely blessed to have L in my life. She loves me with an unconditional love, and even when I'm tettering on the edge of reason...she's there to catch me if I fall or pull me back quickly when I realize I'm making a mistake. God did a good thing when He put us together, in fact, I'm pretty sure He made us out of the same mold so we would find each other one day when the time was right...you know...fate and all that...

Hot Stoves

The cat, having sat upon a hot stove lid, will not sit upon a hot stove lid again. But he won't sit upon a cold stove lid, either. Mark Twain

Wow, that's a pretty great quote. I read it, and I thought about it, and I can sympathize with that cat. Right now I'm feeling like I don't ever want to be in love again. I don't ever want to put myself in that situation again, because it seems that all the stove lids out there are hot. None of them are cool enough that I feel comfortable touching them, let alone dating them. Sure, my head knows that not every guy will burn me, but that doesn't mean my heart does. That doesn't mean that I'm not a little gun shy. I don't want to hurt the next guy by punishing him for someone else's mistakes, but it's hard to teach yourself to trust again.
The Great Divide has a song and in it it says "there's nothing quite as comfortable as your old lover." That's also so true, there is a lot of comfort there, mainly because you know what to expect, you know how hot or cold that stove is and you've learned how to deal with it. And really, that's what was so great about my old stove, I felt safe, comfortable with him. He might have been a little hot to the touch sometimes, and he might have burned me a little, but he kept me safe, he fixed the not so good things in my life.
When I go stove shopping again, I want one a little like him.

Tune up

The thought that's been running through my head the last couple of days is: can people change? Is it possible to, for whatever reason, change who you are and how you behave? There are those that will argue no... a leopard can't change his spots, he was made that way and that's just how he's gonna be. But I kinda like to believe that people can change. It's certainly not an easy process. It's difficult and uncomfortable at times, but I do think it can be done, but I also think that there has to be a significant reason for that change. Something that makes a person want to be different, something that makes someone want to be a different type of person. Is this a total change? No, it's simply a tweaking of those things that may be a little off...a tune up if you will. And really, don't we all need a little tune up from time to time? Don't we all need to be slapped in the face once or twice and shown that how we're acting, what we're doing probably isn't the best thing for us? So can people change...maybe...can they improve? Always...is there a difference? Of course. Maybe it's not change I'm looking for...maybe it's a recognition of wrongs...

When I was sixteen

When I was sixteen I thought I had it all figured out. I was the world's greatest driver, I was the smartest teenager I knew and I had my ideal mate all planned out.

I was wrong...about everything.

I found this list I made when I was sixteen outlining all the qualities my future husband must have, and while some of them hold true today, I've had to add a few, and erase a few, over the years.

My college years, and post-college months, have taught me what's most important in a mate.

Besides needing him to be taller than me, somewhat versed in agriculture and a non-smoker, I need affection, I need patience, I need honesty, I need someone who has a spiritual side, someone who loves my dog, someone who appreciates me, someone who can stand up to me, someone who won't make me run the relationship.

I want him to find out who I really am, and love me because of it, not in spite of it.

I want him to understand my silly fears, and make me feel better about it because he loves me.
I want him to tell me 'no' when I'm being a little unreasonable, to let me know when I've been a little too much of a girl, but love me anyway.

I want him to see my quirks and laugh at them, and love them.

I just want him to love me...all of me...

Searching...

I'm a pretty open person...just ask my co-workers...but when it comes to my faith, I'm a pretty private person. I was raised in church, and I have strong beliefs that I adhere to, I just don't talk about it much. And since I've moved back to Lubbock, I've gotten kinda slack about attending Sunday services...and I know I should go, and I've thought about it a lot, but lately, I've had stronger feelings about going. And here's why. As much as I talk to God, (it's a frequent part of my day) I feel like something's missing. There's an urgentness that I feel, an uneasiness maybe...a feeling that everything isn't right, do you know what I mean? And lately, I've felt that that something can be found in church. Understand that this feeling goes beyond just going to church and doing all the minimum church activities, it's a feeling that there's something, someone, some purpose for me in a church, and I have no idea which one it is...I don't know where to go to start looking for this thing, but something is telling me that I better jump off my butt and start finding it. So I think I will...but where will my search begin?

Knots

So as I was driving back from lunch today, I passed Quick Quack Car Wash and read this quote on their sign "Don't cut what you can untie." And so I thought about that for a while and ya know, that's a fantastic little peice of advice.

So often people are so scared of doing what it takes to fix a problem that they'd rather just cut it out of their lives than deal with it. This was ex-boyfriend's problem. He would rather run than fix it...he proved this over and over, but it's taken a while for me to give up on him. I was always trying to untie something that he just wanted to cut. And I finally realized I can't untie it alone. He's holding half of that string, too, and he keeps pulling it tighter instead of trying to work on untying it. And I'm finally ready to cut it, too. Because the flip side to that quote is that sometimes, things have to be cut. There are knots too big to unravel, wounds too deep to heal. So here it is...snip snip...

Done

I so want to be done.
I want it to be over.

It's not.

But it will be.

The thing with a broken heart is that it doesn't heal all at once, and it doesn't heal quickly and it doesn't heal cleanly. It takes weeks, months and sometimes years to heal. Some peope say it never does. And it heals in spurts and then sometimes, something happens and instead of healing, it breaks a little more. All the progress you've made is stopped, and instead of feeling better you start feeling worse. And the scars that are left from a broken heart can't be removed. There's no laser surgery, no special cream...nothing that can take those scars away. Sure, in some ways those scars are good, they teach us how to love the next time, but sometimes, they also keep us from loving the next time. They teach you not to trust, to avoid love, they make you want to build walls and be overly protective...anything to protect yourself from potential pain. But can you protect yourself? Is it conceivable to totally protect yourself? I don't know, but for now, I'll try.