Prayers, please.

Update: After my blood test yesterday, my dr. called today with results. The results are positive, but my hcg levels aren't as high as she had hoped they would be. We'll retest on Friday. We would love, love, love your prayers. 

A God Thing

So, today is one week since our IUI attempt. I had to have blood drawn today to check progesterone levels and then next week I'll have another draw to check for pregnancy. Clearly, my emotions are all over the place right now (though some of that may have to do with my dying basketball bracket).
I do want to share with you, though, about a bright spot in this particular part of our journey. Last week, after our procedure, we stopped in to see Adam's grandmother and ran into his Uncle Tim as we were leaving. We love Uncle Tim. In fact, I consider Tim and his family to be one of the greatest perks of marrying Adam. Tim stopped us and asked for an update on our journey, and then, right there in the hospital parking lot, he asked to pray with us. Tears were streaming down my face as Tim spoke so clearly and boldly in a fervent prayer for His will to be done. I'm not sure I've ever felt a more powerful prayer. As Adam and I dried our eyes and headed home, we turned to each other and agreed...it was a God thing. God sent Tim to us at that moment to pray specifically for us. Even now I get chills thinking about it. Prayer is huge and effective and cleansing and empowering. Thank you all for praying with us...


Prayer requests for this week: good numbers and a positive pregnancy test!!

Prayer Warriors On Deck

Ok, prayer warriors, you're on deck. We have one really nice egg. It'd be nice to have two, but, as the doc says, we only need one. One more injection tomorrow then we head back on Monday for the IUI procedure. Pray for good things, whatever good things He wants to send our way. Love you all!!

Good News and Clumsy Prayers

I woke up at five, left the house at six and drove four hours to see my doctor. Then, I got back in my car and was home by five in the afternoon. I am exhausted. The drive itself isn't brutal, it's the emotional toll that is overwhelmingly tiring. I got good news, no cysts, and we got the all clear to move on to the next set of injections. But, my doctor is just as confused about why I keep having miscarriages as I am.  She said she hopes this works (it worked the last time she tried it with a patient) and if it doesn't...back to the drawing board we go. So my clumsy prayers are filled with hope and fear. Fear that we have too many follicles and will have to transition into an IVF cycle (something we are just not prepared for in any way, shape, or form) and fear that even if it all looks right on paper, in the end something will still go wrong  and we'll end up with another miscarriage. But, there's still hope. Yesterday, as I sat in the waiting room, I read a devotional from Sarah's Laughter that helped me see a little more clearly.

Have you ever played gin rummy?  I always seemed to get paired up with the best and cockiest player on the block.  I’ll sit and ponder which card to lay down.  With my best bluff face on, I frantically try to remember each and every card each player has laid down and picked up.  If they look closely, they can probably even see the smoke pouring from my ears as my poor brain is trying so desperately to obey the commands I’m giving to decide just which card will win the game for me.  With feigned confidence I not-so-boldly lay my card on the discard pile.  Before my fingerprints have even had time to settle on the card, my opponent snatches it up and glibly proclaims “Thanks!  I can use that!”  I sure hope my disgust isn’t showing too much.  When my turn comes around again, I’m sure that I’ve got em this time.  I’ll hang on to what he needs and I’ll throw something at him that I know is pure garbage.  He’ll never make anything of that.  With that twinkle in his eye, he grins at me and one more time says “Oh great!  Just what I’ve been looking for!  I know I can use that!”  Before long, I’m convinced it doesn’t really matter what I throw at him.  He always finds a way to use it.

Maybe infertility doesn’t seem as easy or as enjoyable as a game of gin rummy, but there is one glaring similarity.  Imagine God as the Master Player in this game we call life.  Satan is His adversary.  To the victor go the spoils and this time the spoils are you.  One by one the cards are dealt.  Satan’s brow is furrowed as he studies his cards.  He’s determined he’ll defeat his opponent.  He holds in his gnarled, vile hand disease, despair, discouragement.  One by one he lays a card on the deck of your life and looks God in the face with an evil smirk.  “She’s infertile, God.  Whatcha gonna do bout that?”  Much to Satan’s wicked, evil surprise, God doesn’t even hesitate:  “Just watch how I can use that.”  Next round--Misunderstanding.  Once again God says  “Not a problem.  I’ll use it to bring them closer to Me.”   “What?  Never mind.”  Satan still has a few tricks up his nasty little sleeve.  But one by one, the Almighty works every card into His master plan and before Satan can even comprehend what has happened, he is once again back in that oh-so-common standing as God’s defeated foe.  No matter what trial he throws in the discard stack, God triumphantly sings out, “I can use that!”  Infertility?  Not a problem.  Marital difficulties?  Just wait and see what the Creator of marriage can bring about!  “Okay--so He can use all these things.  But God, I lost my child.  Even You can’t use that.”  But use it to His glory He will.  

Trust Him with what you understand and with what you don’t.  He’s never failed you.  He never will.

 I get it. Cognitively, I get it. I understand that there's a greater plan unfolding, but I'm tired, I'm numb, I'm weary. Sometimes I feel nothing, sometimes I feel everything. But I'm trying really, really hard to just trust. Trust in Him, trust in the journey, and trust that He'll continue to speak to us and guide us. Thank you for your prayers...their impact is felt daily.

Whatever He Gives Us

Every time we talk to our doctor about our new fertility plan, she warns us about the possibility of having multiples. Our response is always the same...we laugh and tell her we'll take whatever God gives us. But, lately I've been thinking about our answer. How true is it to say that we'll take whatever He gives us? Are we willing to accept not having another child? I know I'm supposed to say that I'm going to be okay even if His plan for us is more heartache and loss, but honestly, I can't say that. And I'm not sure how to handle that. In fact, if I'm being completely, brutally honest, I've found it hard to pray about our fertility journey. It's not that I don't have faith that God can do what He says He can do, or that He is crafting a perfect story for us. It's that I'm not sure what He wants us to do. I'm not sure if we're on the right path or if we're going rogue and He's waiting for us to turn back. Nothing feels easy and every decision seems daunting.
 
Most days I feel mechanical as I go through the motions and procedures for each day of my cycle, but it feels robotic...and so do my prayers. So many times I've prayed fervently and desperately about a pregnancy or a plan only to find it crashing around me while I sit devastated and broken...now it's like I've become numb to it all. Good news is accompanied more by fear and panic than joy and celebration these days and I know the underlying panic I have is leaking into my prayer life. I haven't stopped praying, I just know I'm not doing a very good job of it these days. And, as I head to another appointment tomorrow, I'm filled with panic and dread as we wait to see if we move on to the next stage of our plan or if we must start again. As always, we are so grateful and thankful for your prayers and support. Please pray for strength and courage and a good report tomorrow....and that we can handle whatever He gives us.