I'm not even sure I'm standing

Sometimes the expected simply pales in comparison to the unexpected. You got to wonder why we cling to our expectations, because the expected is just what keeps us steady. Standing. Still. The expected's just the beginning, the unexpected is what changes our lives. ~Meredith Grey, Grey's Anatmoy~


H is new to my life, but she brought me this quote, and I love her for it.

The unexpected is what changes our lives.

Think about that...right now...think about that.

The unexpected turn you took in your life, the unexpected love, the unexpected birth. Those things are what made you who you are right now.

The expected doesn't change you, it just falls into place and keeps your regularly scheduled life running right on track, but those unexpected twists and turns, those shaky moments when we're unsure of our lives and our hearts and where we're headed and what road we should take are the things that form our lives.

It's so easy to see why we gravitate towards the expected...it's safe.

It's easy to stay in an unhappy place in your life because at least you know what you're getting; if you were to venture out and let the unexpected happen to you, who knows what would happen? The fear of the unknown keeps us stuck in the expected.

Unexpected is happening to me a lot right now.

His actions are unexpected...his words are unexpected...my feelings are unexpected, and I don't know yet where this unexpected road will lead...because although everything he's saying and doing is unexpected, he is not. I don't know what it all means yet...I'm still sorting out what I can live with and what I can't...what I can deal with forever, and what I don't want to. See, even my expected is unexpected...goodness, I'm a mess...

So, I'm not steady. I'm not still. And I'm not even sure I'm standing.

You have to understand ugly to understand love.

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."
"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.
"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."
"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"
"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

-- by Margery Williams, from The Velveteen Rabbit --

I am a child of literature.

Growing up, I always had a book in hand. Maybe that's why as I grew older, I found it easiest to express myself in the written form.

There are times when I just feel like writing, I can't explain it, but I think that's why I love literature so much; it is so much more than just words strung together. It's the heart and soul of the author. It's such a beautiful experience to read someone's work and realize that you've lived that moment, and you know exactly how the author felt when she was writing. It gives you chills.

I read The Velveteen Rabbit as a child, and I remember loving it, but when I read this section as an adult, I got chills.

Love makes you real, and eventually love makes you ugly, but it's okay. Because when you're loved you're beautiful...no matter what.

But you have to understand ugly to understand love.

The gray hair doesn't matter...the scars are unimportant...the wrinkles disappear.

When you are loved, those things are just reminders of beautiful memories and wonderful years together.

Someday, I'm going to be ugly and in love...and I can't wait.

She's the best thing Kansas ever did

I have fantastic friends. They love me and always make me laugh and I am so thankful for all of them.

S had me in stitches last night.

She and I went to watch the Lady Raiders beat Missouri and as usual, S and I contemplated the mysteries of life.


I love my S. She's one of my best friends...she keeps me laughing...at others and at myself...I'm such a lucky girl to have her...she's the best thing Kansas ever did.

P.S.

Note to the skanky pom-pom girl at the game. Honey, I understand that you need birth control. And I'm so proud of you for being responsible enough to protect yourself, and society, from an unwanted spawn of yours. But please understand that putting your birth control patch on your hip right above the low rise waistband of your painted on black pant-type things and right below the stretchy tank-top thing you're wearing as a shirt is beyond tacky. I was 34 rows up and my view was paritally blocked by a basketball goal and a hovering hot-air balloon and I could still see how well you were protecting yourself...and the football team...from a paternity suit. Next time, put that baby on your butt.

Math lied

In the book of life, the answers aren't in the back. Charlie Brown

Wow, sounds like Charlie's talking to me, huh?

I remember in high school our algebra teacher would assign us certain problems to do at night. The odd numbered problems were easy to do...the answers to those were in the back, but the even numbered ones...oh I hated those. I'm not a math girl at all. I'm a writer. That's what I do. I don't do math. At all. So I learned to rely on those odd numbered math problems to get me through.

Where are my odd numbered life lessons? Where are the ones with answers in the back of the book?

There are so many variables in my life right now. So many questions. And no cheat sheet. No back of the book.

It's all up to me.

And part of me is okay with that. I love that I get to write my own story and forge my own path and make my life what I want it to be.

But the other part of me?

Yeah...scared to death.

What if I make a wrong decision? What if I take a wrong turn? What if I carry the two instead of dividing it...or whatever?

See...math ruined me.

Math made it okay to look at the back of the book.

Math taught me that sometimes, the answers are given to you.

Math lied.

T and O

T almost made me cry.

She came to me and told me that it was, and I quote, "a blessing to have me in her life."

Oh my goodness! How sweet is that!!

What she doesn't know is that I was thinking the same thing.

This job can get a little monotonous, and she seems to be my kindred spirit in the office. She gets my jokes and laughs at just the right moment. She thinks I'm hilarious and I think she's adorable.

I miss her when she's gone and am so much more happy when she's here. Her stories about her family and her life are so entertaining and I love her so.

Come to think of it, I'm super blessed in the office because I get to have O, too.

I've known O since college, but didn't really get to know her until I took this job. I'm so lucky that I did.

She is such a beautiful person and she provides such great guidance for me. She is truly a blessing and I can't help but be happy in her presence. In many ways she's my hero and I love her so very much.

God did a good thing when he sent T and O to me. I don't deserve them but I love them more and more each day.

Saltshaker Moments

I read this today, and wanted to share.

"One morning I was sitting at my kitchen table, staring into space. It was one of those windy days when the sun keeps coming out and going in. All of a sudden, a sunbeam crossed my kitchen table and lit up my crystal saltshaker. There were all kinds of colors and sparkles. It was one of the most beautiful sights I'd ever seen. But you know, that very same saltshaker had been on that kitchen table for over fifty years. Surely there must have been other mornings when the sun crossed the table like that, but I was just too busy getting things done. I wondered what else I'd missed. I realized that this was it...this was grace."

When I read that I just stopped. I remembered when I was a little girl and I stayed with Grandma. She has always been an early riser, so we'd get up really early...make coffee and hot chocolate and sit at her old wooden table in the kitchen and talk. We had our very own saltshaker moment, but the colors and sparkles that I saw weren't the morning sun bouncing off of a saltshaker, it was the twinkle in the crystal blue of Grandma's eyes.

I was such a blessed little girl to grow up so close to Grandma. She has always been my best friend and number one fan. I know that I've always made her proud, and she's a constant source of faith and love for me.

She is my hero. She is my confidant. She is my compass.

I am so lucky to have so many saltshaker memories of her. She taught me to cook, to play the piano, to laugh, to love, to be Godly, to never give up, to always be happy, to be generous. I am the person I am today because of who she is and how much she loved me.

Because of her, I thank God every day for wooden tables and saltshaker moments.

If you find a lobster, it's best not to let him go

"You might not be his first, his last or his only...and he's loved before and he might love again. But, if he wants to be with you now what else matters? He's not perfect, and you aren't either. But, if he can make you laugh and admits to being human and making mistakes, hold onto him and give the most you can. He isn't going to quote poetry, and he might not be thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you can break. Don't hurt him, don't change him, don't expect more than he can give and don't analyze...smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad and miss him when he's not there..."

I ran across this the other day, and I felt like whoever wrote that was speaking directly to me.

Those of you who know me well, or at the very least have read my blogs, know that I question everything in my life. From what color of socks to wear to the man in my life, it's one question after the other with me.

But I've learned to focus on the important things, and let the not-so-important ones fall into place.

I've learned that what he does is more important than what he says.

I've learned that having similar goals and wants and needs in life is more important than having someone in your life who says all the right things, but can't remember to call you back.

I've learned that it's important to accept change in people.

I've learned that what my heart tells me is more important than what others say.

I've learned to love without reservation, and I've learned to just trust in what I feel, so that no matter what, I can say that I gave all I had and did all I could to make it work.

I've learned that if you find a lobster, it's best not to let him go.

Love is complicated

There's a certain amount of changing we must endure in order to be in a good relationship. We stop throwing our wet towels on the bedroom floor, do the dishes every night before bed and shave our legs more than once a week.

We watch football with ten sweaty guys when we'd rather be curled up on the couch with just one of those sweaty boys, we get ear plugs so we can sleep through the snoring and we pretend we love it when he plays his X-Box.

They change, too, ya know. They watch Meg Ryan movies, clean their shower so we can avoid catching an unknown virus and stash all those magazines in an undisclosed location.

But where's the line drawn for changing. When is enough, enough. When do you stop caring if he plays X-Box all night and just accept that that's who he is?

And what about the bigger things? The aversion to wearing a wedding ring...to being in uncomfortable social situations? How much change can be expected?

We change when we love someone...sometimes for the better...sometimes for the not so better...I guess the trick is finding the right person, so you can change together...with each other and not for each other...

Man, love is so complicated...