Never a bad thing

Never a bad thing
You will never know true happiness until you have truly loved, and you will never understand what pain really is until you have lost it.

I saw this quote somewhere once, and though it made little sense to me then, it is so clear to me now. Yes, I knew that loving someone was a beautiful, beautiful thing and that the loss of that love would be terribly painful; what I didn't understand was what no one can understand unless they've been there. Unless they've loved another to such an amazing degree the pain of losing that love was almost physical.

And I guess for me, it was knowing that he would never be a part of my life again that hurt the most. Sure we talk from time to time, and we catch up on the little pieces of our lives that we've missed, but to not have him there everyday. To not know that every day I can count on him to make me laugh or keep me safe. The first few weeks were really hard. I didn't have that last call at night anymore and when I got scared or nervous or I had a funny story to tell or I'd had a good day, I couldn't call him like I used to...that was the hardest. And slowly it's gotten better, slowly I've learned how to be without him and how to deal with not knowing him the way I used to. But the thing is, I do still know him. And he still knows me...and sometimes that's hard for me. Why does he get to know me so well? Why does he get to understand me so well? And he does. He knows the different sounds of my voice, he knows how to read between the lines...but is that fair? Like...shouldn't you have to relinquish that part of your knowledge when you break up with someone? Because for the rest of my life, and the rest of his, we're going to share a connection. There's no way we couldn't. We had a really, really great thing. Yes, it was hard sometimes, and yes it was rocky sometimes, but honestly when we were together we were happy and giggly and serious and sweet....we were all of those things. There's nothing that we couldn't share with each other. I miss that. And so I ask myself, is it true? Is it really better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all? And even with my broken heart, I can say yes. Because had I never gotten to know him I would never be who and what I am today, and I think I'm kinda fabulous. I wouldn't change the path I've taken, even if it did hurt...because I fell in love. And that's never a bad thing.

Love or Something Like It

What to talk about today...hmm....well how about this: While I am a little lost and a little unsure of myself and where I am in my life, I am not at all unsure about those close to me. I have some really fantastic friends theat mean the world to me. I have no idea how I would survive without people like them in my life to ground me. I'm a lucky, lucky girl and I am constantly reminded of it when my friends lend a hand or a kind word, it makes the bad days not so bad and the good ones even more fantastic.
So on to my ponderings, what is love? Like...really...what is it? How does it feel? Describe it to me. Cuz I can give you my description, and I'm pretty sure it would be very different than yours. And...it's different for each person I love...sure there's the general warm and gooey feeling I get around loved ones, but it changes from person to person...sometimes it's combined with butterflies, and sometimes with giggles...love is an amazing thing, but a complicated one, too. I'm not sure I'm ready to fall in love again, yet. Thinking about being that close to someone again kinda makes me wanna throw up, but that being said, I am still able to appreciate the overwhelming beauty and purity of an unconditional love, and hold out for the thought that one day, it'll happen again...and when it does, I'm not gonna let go...

Further Ponderings of WLP

All right, for those of you that know me, this won't come as a huge shock...I'm impatient. I don't like to wait for things...ever...I want what I want and I want it like 10 minutes ago, which may be why God is making me wait now. Maybe he's teaching me...and I'm not being a very good student...I should work on that huh? I just want to see into the future and see that there's someone and something more for me...I don't even have to see who it is...I just wanna know for sure. It's not like I'm waiting for someone to complete me, I'm not. I know that can't happen. I have to complete myself, but I do want a family someday. Badly. I want babies...I want a husband...just feeling a little lost now and not sure where I need to go to find direction...am I on the right track? am I where I'm supposed to be? am I where I need to be? is there a difference? who knows....

Just What I Wanted

Have you ever gotten exactly what you thought you wanted and realized it might not be what you needed after all? That's kinda where I'm at today...it's been one of those weeks. One of those BAD weeks...one of those bad weeks when I think I should have just stayed in bed Monday morning and hibernated there till Friday...last night might have been the last straw. While I was attempting to hook up my wireless router, I called customer support at Linksys....let me just tell you, I got very little support from those people. I'll spare you the gory details, but I was yelled at in Swahili and I wasn't at all happy about it.
I just want to be happy, content. Sometimes I wonder how I ended up where I am right now. Sure I did the whole college thing, graduated in 4 1/2 years, got a job, am supporting myself....but am I supposed to be here? I kinda took this job and made this move on the spur of the moment, and that's not like me at all. I like to have a plan, I like to know what I'm getting into. Should I have branched out more? Should I be somewhere else forging a new path for myself? Did I take a wrong turn somewhere that somehow led me here, and if I did, how will I get back on track? So many questions and no answers. I see myself not being satisfied in my professional life and my personal life and I don't know what to do about it. I don't know how to fix it. What dreams do I chase and what ones do I lay to rest? When can I stop being afraid of the unkown and learn to embrace the here and now? I don't know....