It Looked Better On Her

It seems that both too much and too little time has gone by.

I ache to hear her voice again...I am breathless with the thought of hugging her and feeling her soft white hair against my cheek...to feel her warm hands in mine...to hear her infectious laughter. The pain is still fresh, but the loneliness stretches on.

Today is the anniversary of the day she went away, and still I miss her. Those few days leading up to her death are so vivid in my mind. I was newly engaged and so upset that she wasn't going to be there to watch me walk down the aisle. And when I first saw her in the hospital, I was struck at how frail she seemed and how much she didn't look like my Grandma.

But her hands...her hands remained the same. They were still gnarled with age and each wrinkle told the story of a child consoled or a meal prepared. As I sat there alone with her, silently crying, I slipped off my engagement ring and placed it on her hand for just a moment.

I can't tell you the exact reasons behind my actions, except that I needed her to be connected to me...to my new life. I needed to have her touch something that would be so important to me in my future. I needed her to know that I was happy and in love...and that she had taught me well.

I've said it before, but I'm at peace with the fact that the woman who was so sick in the hospital is gone...but I may never be completely okay that Grandma is gone. I do know that the memory of my new engagement ring on her love-worn hands will stay with me forever... because, trust me, it looked better on her.

She is a Cotton Queen

She is fearless. 

She is determined and gentle. 

She is kind, but don't cross her. It is unlikely you would survive that encounter. 

She keeps her friends close, and they help keep her enemies away. 

She may be ruthless, but she'll never be rude

She believes a glass of wine a day keeps the blues away. And when one glass won't work, a bottle usually will. 

She's loyal to those she loves. She'll stick by you through broken hearts, broken nails and broken days. 

She is full of predicaments, perks and pleasures. She will sass you and slay you with her bubbly-ness. Her "goodies," are unmatched, and she hails from near-New Mexico to Oklahoma. 

She is a Cotton Queen. 

Today I am Thankful

Man is fond of counting his troubles, but he does not count his joys. If he counted them up as he ought to, he would see that every lot has enough happiness provided for it.
~Fyodor Dostoevsky

Today I am thankful.

I am proud of the daughter my parents raised, and I am proud of the years we shared together. I am so thankful for the guidance they've given me...for the heart and determination they've instilled in me...and for the love they've always shown me.

I am blessed by the man who chose to marry me. I am astonished each day by his grace, his patience and his unconditional love. God saw something between A and I long before I ever did, and I'm thankful He never stopped trying to show it to me.

I rejoice in the smaller things in life, too. The noticeable change in the air as summer fades to fall. The feel of cold sheets on my skin. The slight squeezes A gives my hand when we're walking. The smell of my mother's perfume. The sound of my father laughing at his own jokes. These things bring me joy. They bring me joy, peace and laughter. These things are what life is really about.

I sometimes dwell too much on the things that frighten me, but today I wanted to dwell on my happiness. Sometimes I am so caught up in worrying about what might be or what might never be that I forget to stop and count my blessings. I forget that my worries are not productive. I forget that God has it all under control, and the last thing He needs is my advice and my concerns.

Today I am thankful.

Happily Ever After is a Beautiful Place to Be

I haven't written since November 11.

Maybe because I liked coming to my blog...having others come to my blog...to read about the wonderful creature who went to heaven that day.

Maybe it was because I was moving, interviewing, teaching, planning a wedding...all without her to call to share it with...and I didn't have time or energy to devote to my blog.

Maybe it was because I didn't know how to sort out my emotions for myself, let alone to you.

Whatever the reason, I'm back...newly wed, newly employed...but still the circus you remember...there are just more rings now.

This is a funny place to be...this newlyweddedness...it's exciting and scary, comfortable and complicated...it's an interesting place...

I've waited twenty-five years for this wonderful man to come into my life, and thank God he did...but bless his heart, I'm not sure he knew what he was getting into.

I am, by his own declaration, fiercely independent, stubborn to a fault and sometimes violently emotional...and yet he willingly married me...he willingly put himself, quite often, in the line of fire...all in the name of love.

He is patient and kind...and he balances out my compulsiveness, and I'm so blessed he chose me.

But it's hard to be here sometimes...not because I'm not happy, not because I'm not in love...because I am...I'm also a little sad...a little sad that I'm growing up, a little sad that I didn't achieve the things I thought I would...

Unless you're a new reader, you know how much my parents mean to me, and let me tell you, that walk down the aisle was one of the most difficult things I've ever done. Not because I didn't want to get married, but because I didn't want to be given away...and while I know that I'm always their little girl, that walk was symbolic...my childhood is over...I'm growing up, and so are they...and frankly, I don't like it. I have wonderful, beautiful, funny parents and I want to share so much with them, but this getting older thing means I have less time...and I hate that.

I do, though, love my job as a teacher. It's challenging and rewarding, exciting and emotionally fulfilling...but it's also not what I thought I'd be doing. I wanted to lobby for agriculturists, I wanted to write the next bestseller, I wanted to change the world...I look at S and L and R and C...they are making the impact I always thought I would be making...I'm so proud of them...they do their jobs so well, and they are such an inspiration to me and to others. But somehow I feel like I haven't fulfilled my potential, I haven't achieved enough, I haven't done enough...and for me...that's a hard pill to swallow...

So I'm adjusting to this new phase of my life...I love him, I love us...and despite my fears and my overwhelming emotions, happily ever after is a beautiful place to be.