Worth It

Christmas has always been my favorite. My parents crafted special moments and traditions that we still duplicate today. We don't decorate the tree unless we're listening to Thistlehair the Christmas Bear, pickles and cream cheese still make their appearance at dinner, and there's bound to be a present or two under the tree from George Strait or Toni Braxton. 

But, the last few years, I've been a little less jolly. We lost two pregnancies during the holiday season, so that pain dulled the brightness of the season just a little. And, as I reflected on the year that had past, I couldn't get past the grief and loss and failures we had suffered. I was discouraged and sad and lost. But I also remained hopeful. There were dark days...and weeks...when I was unsure of where God was leading us, but I relied on advice from a good friend from my college days. When something awful happens, you can wallow, but you have a time limit. When the time is up, you move on. You pick up the pieces, you create a plan, and you move. There were days it was a victory just to get out of bed. When I wondered if the hell I was walking through was even worth it. 

It was. 

This Christmas is even more special this year. Beyond the joy of having a new baby is the joy of seeing the miracle that she is. Of holding a testament of God's faithfulness. 

I'll be the first to tell you that I was not graceful in my journey. I got angry. I got sad. But He remained faithful.

Merry Christmas to you and yours. If your current journey is painful, please know you're in our prayers. Please, don't give up. Whatever it is...it's worth it. 

All is well.

I will hit 21 weeks on Monday and we have our anatomy scan on Tuesday. My progesterone levels have looked good, and I think my dr. would be okay taking me off the supplement, but because he knows I'm anxious, he's letting me stay on the injections. I still feel anxiety when talking about the pregnancy, but it's getting easier. We appreciate your prayers for health, peace, and comfort. This is certainly a blessed baby. 

Latest Results

Finally got my results today and progesterone was still 18. The good news is the number didn't drop. I would have liked to see it go up, but we're happy with no change. I think my nurse knew I was nervous, so she bumped my dosage up. I'll test again next Tuesday when we have our visit with the dr and we'll go from there. We continue to pray for continued good news and positive outcomes. Love you all! 

Update

After meeting with my regular doctor's nurse last week, my progesterone came back at a 26, though my vitamin D was low and I started on supplements. Today, though, my progesterone came back and an 18. I know this isn't a panic situation, but it does make me nervous when things don't go as I think they should. My doctor feels like we should proceed as normal and have another test on Monday. Which is good, because we leave on Tuesday for OKC. Which is another cause of anxiety for me. It's silly and superstitious, but I've had two miscarriages in OKC, so it just makes me super nervous. Logically I know that we're not pregnant because of luck and we've not gotten this far because of luck, but nonetheless, I get a little panicky. As always, we are thankful for your prayers and pray for stability and calm. 

Update 😃

My weekly blood test looks good at 24, so we're dropping my progesterone dose down a little (not as much as last time) to see what happens. I have an appointment with my regular OBGYN on Wednesday, but I'll just be meeting with the nurse this time. I am slowly becoming more excited and less stressed, but each appointment and each blood tests brings a certain level of nervousness. I still find it difficult to talk about this pregnancy and I don't have a good reason for it. There is just a lot of anxiety for me when I talk about it...even to my husband. My prayer is for continued good news and peace and comfort. Thank you all for everything! 

Numbers Game

This is the devotional I read last night...and today. A lot of times today. It comes from Sarah's Laughter, a site and group that supports women through the struggles of infertility. 

When The Numbers Don't Add Up Now Zerah the Ethiopian came out against them with an army of a million men...  2 Chronicles 14:9   Numbers matter so much when you are in the battle to conceive a child.  We watch them, record them, track them. We circle numbers on calendars as we wait for the day of a pregnancy test.  We pray that the numbers our doctors will report to us will go up or down.  A husband’s virility is presumably measured by the number on his sperm count.  Nerves are frayed until we get past a certain number of weeks that remind us of the last miscarriage.  The number of candles on the birthday cake bring tears and dread.  Statistics are dooming numbers when lives are consumed by infertility.   Do you realize that numbers have never intimidated God? There has never been a moment in all of time and eternity that God has scratched His holy head and tried to make the numbers work.  In 2 Chronicles, King Asa was facing a massive army of a million men.  He and his men were outnumbered, overpowered and were facing certain defeat.  Asa did the smartest thing he ever could have done when facing an impossible situation: He called on the Name of the Lord.   “Lord, there is no one besides You to help in the battle between the powerful and those who have no strength; so help us O Lord our God, for we trust in You, and in Your name have come against this multitude.  O Lord, You are our God; let not man prevail against You.”   Asa recognized that he was no match the enemy in front of him, but that his enemy was no match for his God!  Scripture tells us that God lead the Ethiopian army right in front of Asa and his men, and even though they were bigger and stronger, Zerah’s army fled.  They ran away!  In fact, the Bible says they were “shattered” and Asa and his outnumbered army carried away much plunder.  All because Asa called upon God and relinquished the battled to Him.   God didn’t worry about a million warriors on the battlefield in King Asa’s day.  He doesn’t worry about low sperm counts or erratic hormone levels in your day.  He is the God who can conquer whatever foe you face, and He can do it despite whatever numbers you are struggling with. When you pray about your battle with infertility, don’t forget that God isn’t scared of your numbers.  Why not use King Asa’s prayer as an example?  You can include your own situations and pray with the same faith this godly man used when he was outnumbered and overwhelmed.  God came through for him and He’ll come through for you. “Lord, there is no one beside You to help in the battle. Infertility (or endometriosis, unexplained infertility, PCOS, miscarriage grief, etc.)  is a powerful foe and I feel I have no strength (or money, or treatment options, etc.) to fight it this month (or today, right now, anymore, etc.); so help us O Lord our God, for we (my spouse and I, or I if you have an unbelieving spouse) trust in You, and in Your name have come against this disease (or financial difficulty, discouragement, lack of agreement between us, indecision, etc.).  O Lord, You are our God.  Let not infertility (or loss, grief, discouragement, etc.) prevail against You." Talk about perfect timing, huh? Now is a good time to tell you that my progesterone is back up to 20 and we saw a beautiful, healthy baby today. We have officially graduated from Dr. Dorsett and get to move on to our regular OBGYN! This baby is so very lucky to have been prayed for so very fervently and steadfastly. This baby is a miracle in so many ways and a lot of the miracle is because of the unceasing prayers landing in heaven. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Panic

So, we finally got a call today with my results from Thursday. They were 12.9. This is not great news. They have upped my dosage and we'll go from there. I. Am. Terrified. Please pray. I've prayed until I no longer have the words. 

Not My Story

Last week my progesterone levels were still looking good and, because at this point my body should take over and produce enough progesterone to continue, my doctor lowered my nightly progesterone dose. Obviously I panicked.  I mean, my doctor has her medical degree, so I should trust her. And I do. But I'm also prone to freaking out over...well...everything. Tomorrow I have another progesterone test and I'm anxiously awaiting the results. Thank you all for reading, praying, loving, and taking me down from every ledge I stand on. 

I heard Hoda Kotb speaking the other day at a commencement ceremony and she was discussing her reluctance to share her story of breast cancer survival. Then, one day, a stranger told her that her story wasn't just for her. Perhaps it was meant to be shared to help others walking her path. I do feel that we are sometimes meant to share our stories and you will never know how blessed we have been by sharing this one. Your support has been nothing short of amazing and miraculous. We love you all! 

Just Perfect

After a day of jumbled nerves and frequent, fervent, prayer we have great news. The baby has a beautiful heartbeat and is measuring exactly on time. Just perfect. We have one more visit with Dr. Dorsett in two weeks and then we graduate to our regular OBGYN. We are ecstatic and over the moon. Thank you for the prayers you've prayed and continue to pray. We love you lots! 

Big Day

So. Tomorrow is the big day. We head to Lubbock to have our sonogram that will measure growth. To say I'm a nervous wreck would be a vast understatement. Sleep doesn't come easy and tears flow randomly. We welcome prayers and good vibes. Thank you all and much, much love!!

Still Pitching a No-Hitter

We had our official first sonogram today. The good news is we saw good growth and heard a pretty heartbeat. The doctor is still a little baffled at the slow initial growth and is proceeding with caution. We have another sonogram on 5/18 and we need to see big growth that day. It's interesting, a friend asked me last night how I was feeling and I told her that I was Trying not to panic even though every single visit and test freaks me out. Like. I don't even like saying I'm pregnant. In fact, I keep the ultrasound pics we have gotten in a sealed envelope and never look at them. My anxiety level is off the charts even though I try to remain calm and cool. Your prayers don't go unnoticed, unfelt, or unappreciated. Most days, they're all that get us through. Love you all! 

Sisterhood

Before I start the meat of this post, let me  say that my progesterone test today came back at a 19.4 which is up from a 16 last week. Thank you for the prayers! And, speaking of prayers, I am overwhelmed by the love and faithfulness you are showing us. When I felt the nudge God was giving me to write about our infertility struggles I selfishly thought He was asking me to share as a cathartic thing for me. I was so wrong. 

Infertility is a sorority no one asks to join and often we don't share our stories with our sisters out of fear or shame or whatever. But, I have found amazing support from friends who have been where I am. They have encouraged, prayed, and cried with me. They have inspired me and helped me through some ugly days. Without the sisterhood I would be lost and broken. God asked me to share our story and along the way  I have been covered in so much love and prayer from those who have been where I am as well as those who have such huge hearts full of empathy and care for us. We feel your prayers every day and we are blessed to have you on this journey with us.