Change is a choice

From the time we are small we are taught that change is inevitable. Nothing stays the same always, hell...look at my hair color on any given day. The only thing constant in our lives is change. That's an easy enough concept to grasp. But what about us, do we constantly change or do we, at some point, reach a point where we can't be anything but what we are?

I've thought about this a lot recently, and here's what I've come up with: Change is a choice. We choose how we interact with people, we choose how we love, and if something doesn't seem to be working for us, we choose if and how we want to fix it.

I think fundamentaly, who you are at your core, at the heart of you, will never change. But I do believe that change is a choice. And that choice is governed by many factors. Maybe change is a product of pain, or pleasure, or someone else's prodding, or maybe you just don't like how things are going, so you decide to shake it up a bit. Whatever the reason, you choose who you are. And right now, I like who I've chosen to be.

'Cuz that's His philosophy

So, C got his feelings hurt because I haven't mentioned any of his quotes in my blog. That's because usually they're just mean, not constructive, but he gave me a decent one today, so here goes.

"Don't let philosophy dictate your actions/decisions."

To understand that little piece of advice, let's first disect the quote. Webster's defines "philosophy" as "a system of principles for guidance." Or, to put it simply, your philosophy is like your map, your blue print. You use it to guide your actions.
Oh...this is good, I think we're getting somewhere here.

Why have a philosophy if you're not going to use it? That's like having a perfectly good bed but choosing to sleep on the floor every night...not sane at all. That's what a philosophy is for. That's why we have one, or at least that's the reason I have one.

True, everyone's philosophy is different. Willie Nelson's is "get high...a lot." Bill Clinton's? "Get it while you can." Mine? Well, I have a lot of them, but the main idea is to love as much as I can. To be as kind as I can to those around me. To protect and take care of the people I care about, and to understand that there are things I can't do. There are things I have no control over, but that God has His eye on me, and He'll make sure it all works.

'Cuz that's His philosophy."

It's that patience thing again...

So, you know that I love quotes. I think it has something to do with my love for literature. I just think that there is so much beauty in words, and I love when I read or hear something that touches me or opens my eyes to something I've never seen before. Sometimes I'm lucky and one of my dear friends delivers a phrase that makes me stop in my tracks and think for a moment.

O did that yesterday.

She said, "Sometimes you can't make the decision of when, you just have to let it happen."

Wow.

That hit me hard, because it applied to so many different parts of my life.

She's right, you know, I can't decide when I fall in love, or when I fall out of love. I can't decide when my world will balance itself out, I just have to let it happen.

I can't decide when, I can't decide how. It's not my decision to make. My job is to just live my life the best that I can and love the most that I can, and let God make the really big decisions for me.

It's that patience thing again...

There's more where that came from, baby

Take a moment and imagine with me.

Think of something you adore; something you absoloutely love.

How about a Dr Pepper? We Texans have a great fondness for the bubbly beverage...it's just sweet enough, and when you get that first sip, it's cool and fizzy and oh so yummy. In that moment, there's nothing better. You love your DP and your DP loves you...the world is at peace.
But, what would happen if someone gave you one can and said, "That's it. That's the last Dr Pepper you get...ever."

What do you do with that can? Do you pop the top immediately and guzzle down all the sweetness of that drink, or would you prefer to just crack the top on it ever so gently and take a tiny sip here and a tiny sip there to try to make this moment last as long as possible?

I love my Dr Pepper, and I don't want it to go away. But there are times when I can't help but think that this is my last one. This is my last can of the sweetness I've come to depend on. And I want it to last forever, I want time to stop and the world to cease its spinning so I can curl up in bed with my Dr Pepper and never have to let go. I just want to enjoy all the sweetness and comfort it brings me and forget all the bad things.

Unfortunately, I can't.

Eventually, my Dr Pepper will lose it's bubbles, and then what am I left with? An empty can?
There's this hope that I hold on to, that someday, somebody will hand be a Dr Pepper and say, "Enjoy this one, drink it as slowly or quickly as you'd like, cuz there's more where that came from, baby."

O, C and L

O says I'm slipping.

C says my last blog began with a quote about an orgy (boys will be boys...)

And L recognizes my fussiness and restlesness and sees that I'm frustrated and happy all at once. A crazy combination.

Maybe they're all right...okay well obviously C is wrong, but O and L, they're probably right.

Maybe I am slipping, but to where? And why? And how? And is it a bad thing? Maybe I'm slipping into a happy place, a place where I've always meant to be but never knew how to find.
And clearly, I'm frustrated. But, again, why? I'm happy. Really and truly, I am. Am I curious what my future holds? Yes, but for the first time in a long time I can say that I'm happy.

Maybe I'm in a constant state of frustration; in fact I know I am. It goes back to that patience thing we've covered before. But that doesn't mean I'm not content and glad to be where I am right now, because I am. I'm proud of who I am. I think I'm fabulous. I am surrounded by incredible people who adore me and think I'm fabulous, too; how cool is that?

So why the frustration, you ask?

I don't know.

I honestly don't.

I'm restless. I know, I know, it stems from my impatience and my desire to know how it's going to end.

I have to quit that.

I know I do. So, I'm gonna say a few more prayers, take a couple more deep breaths and remember, that in the end, it'll all be okay.

Hug o' war

"I will not play at tug o' war. I'd rather play at hug o' war, where everyone hugs instead of tugs, where everyone giggles, and rolls on the rug, where everyone kisses, and everyone grins, and everyone cuddles, and everyone wins." ~Shel Silverstein

What a childlike way to look at love. Silverstein presents a love that is uncomplicated and pure. A love that is true and perfect and more than beautiful.

In relationships, I find myself trying to tug. I'm impatient; that's just what I do. I tug a little here, and I tug a little there, hoping to pull out the words or actions or thoughts I think are lurking somewhere within this other person. Don't misunderstand, I don't do it out of malice, or to be manipulative; no, I do it out of impatience, and sometimes insecurity. I want so badly to read the end of my story, or "our" story, that I want to rush through the chapters of our relationship to get there, not because I'm in a hurry for some long-term committment, but because I just want to know that it's all going to be okay in the end, which leads me to another quote:

"Everything will be okay in the end; if it's not okay, then it's not the end."

I've used that beautiful piece of advice on more friends than I can count, but really, I've never used it myself. Maybe because I didn't take the time to really think about what it meant. Maybe my version of okay isn't God's version. And that's great, I'm pretty sure I'll like His version best, but gosh darn it, I'm so impatient.

And I hate it.

So I have to try to slow down and enjoy the ride, because the ride I'm on is pretty great, and I'm kinda crazy about it.

I have to try to forget my version of okay and just go with it.

So I'm just going to play hug o' war and let it all be okay in the end.

Love isn't enough

Love is not enough. It must be the foundation, the cornerstone-but not the complete structrue.
-Bette Davis

There you have it, folks.

Love is NOT enough.

Ya know, in the movies they sell us on the theory that all we need is love. Hell, there was even a song about it. But the fact of the matter is, love is all you need to start out, but eventually there has to be more to it.

This goes back to my theory on why we fall in love at the beginning of a relationship when we only have a few of the facts, instead of at the end when we have full knowledge of everything about the other person.

No, love isn't enough.

But love is the beginning. Love is what helps you build the strong foundation; love is what gets you through the fights and the not-so-fantastic times; love is what allows you to look past the fact that he's a dirty, messy, nasty boy. Love is what leads you through the sickness and health, the good, the bad and the ugly. Love makes it possible for you to build the relationship you need, because without love, would we endure the tears, the fights and the stress that a relationship brings? I think not.

Love may not be enough, but it's enough to get started.

Every once in a while...

My best friend's engaged.

Wow.

I knew this was coming soon, I just hadn't prepared myself for it. I'm so happy for her. He's probably the most perfect guy for her, and I know he adores her and he'll be kind to her and he'll take care of her and she'll never want for anything.

But things will never, ever be the same.

I'm struck with conflicting emotions; tears are falling for many different reasons. I love her. We have our problems, but she's kind of like that old t-shirt you have in the back of your closet; you don't wear it much, don't get it out of the closet that often, but when you put it on, it's like going home. There's a warmth that surrounds you and countless memories come flooding back, and you smile. That's what K is to me. The person that's known me the longest and loves me in spite of it. So I'm kind of sad that part of our childhood, our youth will be over when she says "I do." I know there are so many more beautiful memories we will make together, I'm just a creature of habit, a resistant of change.

And, she and D started dating about 2 weeks before ex-boyfriend and I did. K and D got engaged on their 2 year anniversary. It makes me realize how much time I wasted on someone that I thought was the one. It doesn't make me miss ex-boyfriend, it just puts time into perspective, and maybe makes me a little sad.

On the other hand, she deserves all the happiness that I know D will bring her. He's so good to her, loves her with all his heart and would do anything to make her happy. He's absolutely perfect for her, and I'm so incredibly happy that they found each other. She deserves this. She deserves to be happy. And she deserves to have her best friend be happy for her. And I am...the tears I'm crying are happy...the really are, there just might be a sad one that sneaks in every once in a while...

Gee thanks, Dad

"The key to everything is patience. You get the chicken by hatching the egg, not by smashing it." Arnold H. Glasgow

Well, we've already covered the fact that I'm the world's LEAST patient person. I don't like to wait, I never have. Just ask my mom. It was a constant irritant of hers while I was growing up.
Have I improved? Yes. I'm not nearly as impatient as I was five years ago, but still, I'm not winning any awards for my willingness to just "wait and see," either.

I try to find things to occupy my time while I wait, but to be honest, I don't always whittle away my time in the most ideal ways, but I do what I can.

The thing is, I want my baby chicken now. Right now. This whole idea of "good things come to those who wait," is great, except for folks like me who find the thought of waiting almost painful.
Dr. Phil would say that my impatience is caused by the fact that I was raised in the generation of fast food, fast internet and fast men, but really, I think it's just because I'm me.

Maybe it's genetic...from my dad's side. My mother is incredibly patient; she has to be, she teaches 1st grade, God love her, but my dad, while incredibly patient with animals and other people's children, is less than patient with my mother and me.

So maybe that's it, my need for having what I desire immeadiately is genetic. My dad cursed me with my inability to wait. He's the one responsible for my listless nights of tossing and turning, for my need to overanalyze as I wait...gee thanks, dad.