Tomorrow is the most important thing in life. Comes into us at midnight very clean. It's perfect when it arrives and it puts itself in our hands. It hopes we've learned something from yesterday- John Wayne
What a beautiful way to look at life, and how touching is it that those words came from The Duke? As rough and tumble and tough as he was, he still had the capabilities to see how truly beautiful each day we're given is. Instead of dreading what tomorrow will bring, shouldn't we look at it as perfection and something that we have total control over? Something that we can take and mold into whatever we want it to be? It's so hard to do that. It's so hard to not be consumed with the what-if's and but's and the wonderings of what the future will bring, but wouldn't it be great it we could just step back and realize how much the future depends on us? How much OUR future depends on us? If we could take each day, and make the absolute most of it, if we could promise ourselves that every day would be a good day, what would happen?
Monday, July 17, 2006
Friday, July 14, 2006
Fate and all that
There's a quote I read somewhere once that said "Anyone will stand by you when you're right, but a true friend will stand by you even when you're wrong." While this may not apply in all situations, it does in this one. I am so infinitely blessed to have L in my life. She loves me with an unconditional love, and even when I'm tettering on the edge of reason...she's there to catch me if I fall or pull me back quickly when I realize I'm making a mistake. God did a good thing when He put us together, in fact, I'm pretty sure He made us out of the same mold so we would find each other one day when the time was right...you know...fate and all that...
Thursday, July 13, 2006
Hot Stoves
The cat, having sat upon a hot stove lid, will not sit upon a hot stove lid again. But he won't sit upon a cold stove lid, either. Mark Twain
Wow, that's a pretty great quote. I read it, and I thought about it, and I can sympathize with that cat. Right now I'm feeling like I don't ever want to be in love again. I don't ever want to put myself in that situation again, because it seems that all the stove lids out there are hot. None of them are cool enough that I feel comfortable touching them, let alone dating them. Sure, my head knows that not every guy will burn me, but that doesn't mean my heart does. That doesn't mean that I'm not a little gun shy. I don't want to hurt the next guy by punishing him for someone else's mistakes, but it's hard to teach yourself to trust again.
The Great Divide has a song and in it it says "there's nothing quite as comfortable as your old lover." That's also so true, there is a lot of comfort there, mainly because you know what to expect, you know how hot or cold that stove is and you've learned how to deal with it. And really, that's what was so great about my old stove, I felt safe, comfortable with him. He might have been a little hot to the touch sometimes, and he might have burned me a little, but he kept me safe, he fixed the not so good things in my life.
When I go stove shopping again, I want one a little like him.
Wow, that's a pretty great quote. I read it, and I thought about it, and I can sympathize with that cat. Right now I'm feeling like I don't ever want to be in love again. I don't ever want to put myself in that situation again, because it seems that all the stove lids out there are hot. None of them are cool enough that I feel comfortable touching them, let alone dating them. Sure, my head knows that not every guy will burn me, but that doesn't mean my heart does. That doesn't mean that I'm not a little gun shy. I don't want to hurt the next guy by punishing him for someone else's mistakes, but it's hard to teach yourself to trust again.
The Great Divide has a song and in it it says "there's nothing quite as comfortable as your old lover." That's also so true, there is a lot of comfort there, mainly because you know what to expect, you know how hot or cold that stove is and you've learned how to deal with it. And really, that's what was so great about my old stove, I felt safe, comfortable with him. He might have been a little hot to the touch sometimes, and he might have burned me a little, but he kept me safe, he fixed the not so good things in my life.
When I go stove shopping again, I want one a little like him.
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
Tune up
The thought that's been running through my head the last couple of days is: can people change? Is it possible to, for whatever reason, change who you are and how you behave? There are those that will argue no... a leopard can't change his spots, he was made that way and that's just how he's gonna be. But I kinda like to believe that people can change. It's certainly not an easy process. It's difficult and uncomfortable at times, but I do think it can be done, but I also think that there has to be a significant reason for that change. Something that makes a person want to be different, something that makes someone want to be a different type of person. Is this a total change? No, it's simply a tweaking of those things that may be a little off...a tune up if you will. And really, don't we all need a little tune up from time to time? Don't we all need to be slapped in the face once or twice and shown that how we're acting, what we're doing probably isn't the best thing for us? So can people change...maybe...can they improve? Always...is there a difference? Of course. Maybe it's not change I'm looking for...maybe it's a recognition of wrongs...
Saturday, July 8, 2006
When I was sixteen
When I was sixteen I thought I had it all figured out. I was the world's greatest driver, I was the smartest teenager I knew and I had my ideal mate all planned out.
I was wrong...about everything.
I found this list I made when I was sixteen outlining all the qualities my future husband must have, and while some of them hold true today, I've had to add a few, and erase a few, over the years.
My college years, and post-college months, have taught me what's most important in a mate.
Besides needing him to be taller than me, somewhat versed in agriculture and a non-smoker, I need affection, I need patience, I need honesty, I need someone who has a spiritual side, someone who loves my dog, someone who appreciates me, someone who can stand up to me, someone who won't make me run the relationship.
I want him to find out who I really am, and love me because of it, not in spite of it.
I want him to understand my silly fears, and make me feel better about it because he loves me.
I want him to tell me 'no' when I'm being a little unreasonable, to let me know when I've been a little too much of a girl, but love me anyway.
I want him to see my quirks and laugh at them, and love them.
I just want him to love me...all of me...
I was wrong...about everything.
I found this list I made when I was sixteen outlining all the qualities my future husband must have, and while some of them hold true today, I've had to add a few, and erase a few, over the years.
My college years, and post-college months, have taught me what's most important in a mate.
Besides needing him to be taller than me, somewhat versed in agriculture and a non-smoker, I need affection, I need patience, I need honesty, I need someone who has a spiritual side, someone who loves my dog, someone who appreciates me, someone who can stand up to me, someone who won't make me run the relationship.
I want him to find out who I really am, and love me because of it, not in spite of it.
I want him to understand my silly fears, and make me feel better about it because he loves me.
I want him to tell me 'no' when I'm being a little unreasonable, to let me know when I've been a little too much of a girl, but love me anyway.
I want him to see my quirks and laugh at them, and love them.
I just want him to love me...all of me...
Wednesday, July 5, 2006
Searching...
I'm a pretty open person...just ask my co-workers...but when it comes to my faith, I'm a pretty private person. I was raised in church, and I have strong beliefs that I adhere to, I just don't talk about it much. And since I've moved back to Lubbock, I've gotten kinda slack about attending Sunday services...and I know I should go, and I've thought about it a lot, but lately, I've had stronger feelings about going. And here's why. As much as I talk to God, (it's a frequent part of my day) I feel like something's missing. There's an urgentness that I feel, an uneasiness maybe...a feeling that everything isn't right, do you know what I mean? And lately, I've felt that that something can be found in church. Understand that this feeling goes beyond just going to church and doing all the minimum church activities, it's a feeling that there's something, someone, some purpose for me in a church, and I have no idea which one it is...I don't know where to go to start looking for this thing, but something is telling me that I better jump off my butt and start finding it. So I think I will...but where will my search begin?
Monday, July 3, 2006
Knots
So as I was driving back from lunch today, I passed Quick Quack Car Wash and read this quote on their sign "Don't cut what you can untie." And so I thought about that for a while and ya know, that's a fantastic little peice of advice.
So often people are so scared of doing what it takes to fix a problem that they'd rather just cut it out of their lives than deal with it. This was ex-boyfriend's problem. He would rather run than fix it...he proved this over and over, but it's taken a while for me to give up on him. I was always trying to untie something that he just wanted to cut. And I finally realized I can't untie it alone. He's holding half of that string, too, and he keeps pulling it tighter instead of trying to work on untying it. And I'm finally ready to cut it, too. Because the flip side to that quote is that sometimes, things have to be cut. There are knots too big to unravel, wounds too deep to heal. So here it is...snip snip...
So often people are so scared of doing what it takes to fix a problem that they'd rather just cut it out of their lives than deal with it. This was ex-boyfriend's problem. He would rather run than fix it...he proved this over and over, but it's taken a while for me to give up on him. I was always trying to untie something that he just wanted to cut. And I finally realized I can't untie it alone. He's holding half of that string, too, and he keeps pulling it tighter instead of trying to work on untying it. And I'm finally ready to cut it, too. Because the flip side to that quote is that sometimes, things have to be cut. There are knots too big to unravel, wounds too deep to heal. So here it is...snip snip...
Sunday, July 2, 2006
Done
I so want to be done.
I want it to be over.
It's not.
But it will be.
The thing with a broken heart is that it doesn't heal all at once, and it doesn't heal quickly and it doesn't heal cleanly. It takes weeks, months and sometimes years to heal. Some peope say it never does. And it heals in spurts and then sometimes, something happens and instead of healing, it breaks a little more. All the progress you've made is stopped, and instead of feeling better you start feeling worse. And the scars that are left from a broken heart can't be removed. There's no laser surgery, no special cream...nothing that can take those scars away. Sure, in some ways those scars are good, they teach us how to love the next time, but sometimes, they also keep us from loving the next time. They teach you not to trust, to avoid love, they make you want to build walls and be overly protective...anything to protect yourself from potential pain. But can you protect yourself? Is it conceivable to totally protect yourself? I don't know, but for now, I'll try.
I want it to be over.
It's not.
But it will be.
The thing with a broken heart is that it doesn't heal all at once, and it doesn't heal quickly and it doesn't heal cleanly. It takes weeks, months and sometimes years to heal. Some peope say it never does. And it heals in spurts and then sometimes, something happens and instead of healing, it breaks a little more. All the progress you've made is stopped, and instead of feeling better you start feeling worse. And the scars that are left from a broken heart can't be removed. There's no laser surgery, no special cream...nothing that can take those scars away. Sure, in some ways those scars are good, they teach us how to love the next time, but sometimes, they also keep us from loving the next time. They teach you not to trust, to avoid love, they make you want to build walls and be overly protective...anything to protect yourself from potential pain. But can you protect yourself? Is it conceivable to totally protect yourself? I don't know, but for now, I'll try.
Friday, June 30, 2006
Never a bad thing
Never a bad thing
You will never know true happiness until you have truly loved, and you will never understand what pain really is until you have lost it.
I saw this quote somewhere once, and though it made little sense to me then, it is so clear to me now. Yes, I knew that loving someone was a beautiful, beautiful thing and that the loss of that love would be terribly painful; what I didn't understand was what no one can understand unless they've been there. Unless they've loved another to such an amazing degree the pain of losing that love was almost physical.
And I guess for me, it was knowing that he would never be a part of my life again that hurt the most. Sure we talk from time to time, and we catch up on the little pieces of our lives that we've missed, but to not have him there everyday. To not know that every day I can count on him to make me laugh or keep me safe. The first few weeks were really hard. I didn't have that last call at night anymore and when I got scared or nervous or I had a funny story to tell or I'd had a good day, I couldn't call him like I used to...that was the hardest. And slowly it's gotten better, slowly I've learned how to be without him and how to deal with not knowing him the way I used to. But the thing is, I do still know him. And he still knows me...and sometimes that's hard for me. Why does he get to know me so well? Why does he get to understand me so well? And he does. He knows the different sounds of my voice, he knows how to read between the lines...but is that fair? Like...shouldn't you have to relinquish that part of your knowledge when you break up with someone? Because for the rest of my life, and the rest of his, we're going to share a connection. There's no way we couldn't. We had a really, really great thing. Yes, it was hard sometimes, and yes it was rocky sometimes, but honestly when we were together we were happy and giggly and serious and sweet....we were all of those things. There's nothing that we couldn't share with each other. I miss that. And so I ask myself, is it true? Is it really better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all? And even with my broken heart, I can say yes. Because had I never gotten to know him I would never be who and what I am today, and I think I'm kinda fabulous. I wouldn't change the path I've taken, even if it did hurt...because I fell in love. And that's never a bad thing.
You will never know true happiness until you have truly loved, and you will never understand what pain really is until you have lost it.
I saw this quote somewhere once, and though it made little sense to me then, it is so clear to me now. Yes, I knew that loving someone was a beautiful, beautiful thing and that the loss of that love would be terribly painful; what I didn't understand was what no one can understand unless they've been there. Unless they've loved another to such an amazing degree the pain of losing that love was almost physical.
And I guess for me, it was knowing that he would never be a part of my life again that hurt the most. Sure we talk from time to time, and we catch up on the little pieces of our lives that we've missed, but to not have him there everyday. To not know that every day I can count on him to make me laugh or keep me safe. The first few weeks were really hard. I didn't have that last call at night anymore and when I got scared or nervous or I had a funny story to tell or I'd had a good day, I couldn't call him like I used to...that was the hardest. And slowly it's gotten better, slowly I've learned how to be without him and how to deal with not knowing him the way I used to. But the thing is, I do still know him. And he still knows me...and sometimes that's hard for me. Why does he get to know me so well? Why does he get to understand me so well? And he does. He knows the different sounds of my voice, he knows how to read between the lines...but is that fair? Like...shouldn't you have to relinquish that part of your knowledge when you break up with someone? Because for the rest of my life, and the rest of his, we're going to share a connection. There's no way we couldn't. We had a really, really great thing. Yes, it was hard sometimes, and yes it was rocky sometimes, but honestly when we were together we were happy and giggly and serious and sweet....we were all of those things. There's nothing that we couldn't share with each other. I miss that. And so I ask myself, is it true? Is it really better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all? And even with my broken heart, I can say yes. Because had I never gotten to know him I would never be who and what I am today, and I think I'm kinda fabulous. I wouldn't change the path I've taken, even if it did hurt...because I fell in love. And that's never a bad thing.
Thursday, June 29, 2006
Love or Something Like It
What to talk about today...hmm....well how about this: While I am a little lost and a little unsure of myself and where I am in my life, I am not at all unsure about those close to me. I have some really fantastic friends theat mean the world to me. I have no idea how I would survive without people like them in my life to ground me. I'm a lucky, lucky girl and I am constantly reminded of it when my friends lend a hand or a kind word, it makes the bad days not so bad and the good ones even more fantastic.
So on to my ponderings, what is love? Like...really...what is it? How does it feel? Describe it to me. Cuz I can give you my description, and I'm pretty sure it would be very different than yours. And...it's different for each person I love...sure there's the general warm and gooey feeling I get around loved ones, but it changes from person to person...sometimes it's combined with butterflies, and sometimes with giggles...love is an amazing thing, but a complicated one, too. I'm not sure I'm ready to fall in love again, yet. Thinking about being that close to someone again kinda makes me wanna throw up, but that being said, I am still able to appreciate the overwhelming beauty and purity of an unconditional love, and hold out for the thought that one day, it'll happen again...and when it does, I'm not gonna let go...
So on to my ponderings, what is love? Like...really...what is it? How does it feel? Describe it to me. Cuz I can give you my description, and I'm pretty sure it would be very different than yours. And...it's different for each person I love...sure there's the general warm and gooey feeling I get around loved ones, but it changes from person to person...sometimes it's combined with butterflies, and sometimes with giggles...love is an amazing thing, but a complicated one, too. I'm not sure I'm ready to fall in love again, yet. Thinking about being that close to someone again kinda makes me wanna throw up, but that being said, I am still able to appreciate the overwhelming beauty and purity of an unconditional love, and hold out for the thought that one day, it'll happen again...and when it does, I'm not gonna let go...
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
Further Ponderings of WLP
All right, for those of you that know me, this won't come as a huge shock...I'm impatient. I don't like to wait for things...ever...I want what I want and I want it like 10 minutes ago, which may be why God is making me wait now. Maybe he's teaching me...and I'm not being a very good student...I should work on that huh? I just want to see into the future and see that there's someone and something more for me...I don't even have to see who it is...I just wanna know for sure. It's not like I'm waiting for someone to complete me, I'm not. I know that can't happen. I have to complete myself, but I do want a family someday. Badly. I want babies...I want a husband...just feeling a little lost now and not sure where I need to go to find direction...am I on the right track? am I where I'm supposed to be? am I where I need to be? is there a difference? who knows....
Thursday, June 8, 2006
Just What I Wanted
Have you ever gotten exactly what you thought you wanted and realized it might not be what you needed after all? That's kinda where I'm at today...it's been one of those weeks. One of those BAD weeks...one of those bad weeks when I think I should have just stayed in bed Monday morning and hibernated there till Friday...last night might have been the last straw. While I was attempting to hook up my wireless router, I called customer support at Linksys....let me just tell you, I got very little support from those people. I'll spare you the gory details, but I was yelled at in Swahili and I wasn't at all happy about it.
I just want to be happy, content. Sometimes I wonder how I ended up where I am right now. Sure I did the whole college thing, graduated in 4 1/2 years, got a job, am supporting myself....but am I supposed to be here? I kinda took this job and made this move on the spur of the moment, and that's not like me at all. I like to have a plan, I like to know what I'm getting into. Should I have branched out more? Should I be somewhere else forging a new path for myself? Did I take a wrong turn somewhere that somehow led me here, and if I did, how will I get back on track? So many questions and no answers. I see myself not being satisfied in my professional life and my personal life and I don't know what to do about it. I don't know how to fix it. What dreams do I chase and what ones do I lay to rest? When can I stop being afraid of the unkown and learn to embrace the here and now? I don't know....
I just want to be happy, content. Sometimes I wonder how I ended up where I am right now. Sure I did the whole college thing, graduated in 4 1/2 years, got a job, am supporting myself....but am I supposed to be here? I kinda took this job and made this move on the spur of the moment, and that's not like me at all. I like to have a plan, I like to know what I'm getting into. Should I have branched out more? Should I be somewhere else forging a new path for myself? Did I take a wrong turn somewhere that somehow led me here, and if I did, how will I get back on track? So many questions and no answers. I see myself not being satisfied in my professional life and my personal life and I don't know what to do about it. I don't know how to fix it. What dreams do I chase and what ones do I lay to rest? When can I stop being afraid of the unkown and learn to embrace the here and now? I don't know....
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