Never a bad thing

Never a bad thing
You will never know true happiness until you have truly loved, and you will never understand what pain really is until you have lost it.

I saw this quote somewhere once, and though it made little sense to me then, it is so clear to me now. Yes, I knew that loving someone was a beautiful, beautiful thing and that the loss of that love would be terribly painful; what I didn't understand was what no one can understand unless they've been there. Unless they've loved another to such an amazing degree the pain of losing that love was almost physical.

And I guess for me, it was knowing that he would never be a part of my life again that hurt the most. Sure we talk from time to time, and we catch up on the little pieces of our lives that we've missed, but to not have him there everyday. To not know that every day I can count on him to make me laugh or keep me safe. The first few weeks were really hard. I didn't have that last call at night anymore and when I got scared or nervous or I had a funny story to tell or I'd had a good day, I couldn't call him like I used to...that was the hardest. And slowly it's gotten better, slowly I've learned how to be without him and how to deal with not knowing him the way I used to. But the thing is, I do still know him. And he still knows me...and sometimes that's hard for me. Why does he get to know me so well? Why does he get to understand me so well? And he does. He knows the different sounds of my voice, he knows how to read between the lines...but is that fair? Like...shouldn't you have to relinquish that part of your knowledge when you break up with someone? Because for the rest of my life, and the rest of his, we're going to share a connection. There's no way we couldn't. We had a really, really great thing. Yes, it was hard sometimes, and yes it was rocky sometimes, but honestly when we were together we were happy and giggly and serious and sweet....we were all of those things. There's nothing that we couldn't share with each other. I miss that. And so I ask myself, is it true? Is it really better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all? And even with my broken heart, I can say yes. Because had I never gotten to know him I would never be who and what I am today, and I think I'm kinda fabulous. I wouldn't change the path I've taken, even if it did hurt...because I fell in love. And that's never a bad thing.