Knots

So as I was driving back from lunch today, I passed Quick Quack Car Wash and read this quote on their sign "Don't cut what you can untie." And so I thought about that for a while and ya know, that's a fantastic little peice of advice.

So often people are so scared of doing what it takes to fix a problem that they'd rather just cut it out of their lives than deal with it. This was ex-boyfriend's problem. He would rather run than fix it...he proved this over and over, but it's taken a while for me to give up on him. I was always trying to untie something that he just wanted to cut. And I finally realized I can't untie it alone. He's holding half of that string, too, and he keeps pulling it tighter instead of trying to work on untying it. And I'm finally ready to cut it, too. Because the flip side to that quote is that sometimes, things have to be cut. There are knots too big to unravel, wounds too deep to heal. So here it is...snip snip...

Done

I so want to be done.
I want it to be over.

It's not.

But it will be.

The thing with a broken heart is that it doesn't heal all at once, and it doesn't heal quickly and it doesn't heal cleanly. It takes weeks, months and sometimes years to heal. Some peope say it never does. And it heals in spurts and then sometimes, something happens and instead of healing, it breaks a little more. All the progress you've made is stopped, and instead of feeling better you start feeling worse. And the scars that are left from a broken heart can't be removed. There's no laser surgery, no special cream...nothing that can take those scars away. Sure, in some ways those scars are good, they teach us how to love the next time, but sometimes, they also keep us from loving the next time. They teach you not to trust, to avoid love, they make you want to build walls and be overly protective...anything to protect yourself from potential pain. But can you protect yourself? Is it conceivable to totally protect yourself? I don't know, but for now, I'll try.

Never a bad thing

Never a bad thing
You will never know true happiness until you have truly loved, and you will never understand what pain really is until you have lost it.

I saw this quote somewhere once, and though it made little sense to me then, it is so clear to me now. Yes, I knew that loving someone was a beautiful, beautiful thing and that the loss of that love would be terribly painful; what I didn't understand was what no one can understand unless they've been there. Unless they've loved another to such an amazing degree the pain of losing that love was almost physical.

And I guess for me, it was knowing that he would never be a part of my life again that hurt the most. Sure we talk from time to time, and we catch up on the little pieces of our lives that we've missed, but to not have him there everyday. To not know that every day I can count on him to make me laugh or keep me safe. The first few weeks were really hard. I didn't have that last call at night anymore and when I got scared or nervous or I had a funny story to tell or I'd had a good day, I couldn't call him like I used to...that was the hardest. And slowly it's gotten better, slowly I've learned how to be without him and how to deal with not knowing him the way I used to. But the thing is, I do still know him. And he still knows me...and sometimes that's hard for me. Why does he get to know me so well? Why does he get to understand me so well? And he does. He knows the different sounds of my voice, he knows how to read between the lines...but is that fair? Like...shouldn't you have to relinquish that part of your knowledge when you break up with someone? Because for the rest of my life, and the rest of his, we're going to share a connection. There's no way we couldn't. We had a really, really great thing. Yes, it was hard sometimes, and yes it was rocky sometimes, but honestly when we were together we were happy and giggly and serious and sweet....we were all of those things. There's nothing that we couldn't share with each other. I miss that. And so I ask myself, is it true? Is it really better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all? And even with my broken heart, I can say yes. Because had I never gotten to know him I would never be who and what I am today, and I think I'm kinda fabulous. I wouldn't change the path I've taken, even if it did hurt...because I fell in love. And that's never a bad thing.

Love or Something Like It

What to talk about today...hmm....well how about this: While I am a little lost and a little unsure of myself and where I am in my life, I am not at all unsure about those close to me. I have some really fantastic friends theat mean the world to me. I have no idea how I would survive without people like them in my life to ground me. I'm a lucky, lucky girl and I am constantly reminded of it when my friends lend a hand or a kind word, it makes the bad days not so bad and the good ones even more fantastic.
So on to my ponderings, what is love? Like...really...what is it? How does it feel? Describe it to me. Cuz I can give you my description, and I'm pretty sure it would be very different than yours. And...it's different for each person I love...sure there's the general warm and gooey feeling I get around loved ones, but it changes from person to person...sometimes it's combined with butterflies, and sometimes with giggles...love is an amazing thing, but a complicated one, too. I'm not sure I'm ready to fall in love again, yet. Thinking about being that close to someone again kinda makes me wanna throw up, but that being said, I am still able to appreciate the overwhelming beauty and purity of an unconditional love, and hold out for the thought that one day, it'll happen again...and when it does, I'm not gonna let go...

Further Ponderings of WLP

All right, for those of you that know me, this won't come as a huge shock...I'm impatient. I don't like to wait for things...ever...I want what I want and I want it like 10 minutes ago, which may be why God is making me wait now. Maybe he's teaching me...and I'm not being a very good student...I should work on that huh? I just want to see into the future and see that there's someone and something more for me...I don't even have to see who it is...I just wanna know for sure. It's not like I'm waiting for someone to complete me, I'm not. I know that can't happen. I have to complete myself, but I do want a family someday. Badly. I want babies...I want a husband...just feeling a little lost now and not sure where I need to go to find direction...am I on the right track? am I where I'm supposed to be? am I where I need to be? is there a difference? who knows....

Just What I Wanted

Have you ever gotten exactly what you thought you wanted and realized it might not be what you needed after all? That's kinda where I'm at today...it's been one of those weeks. One of those BAD weeks...one of those bad weeks when I think I should have just stayed in bed Monday morning and hibernated there till Friday...last night might have been the last straw. While I was attempting to hook up my wireless router, I called customer support at Linksys....let me just tell you, I got very little support from those people. I'll spare you the gory details, but I was yelled at in Swahili and I wasn't at all happy about it.
I just want to be happy, content. Sometimes I wonder how I ended up where I am right now. Sure I did the whole college thing, graduated in 4 1/2 years, got a job, am supporting myself....but am I supposed to be here? I kinda took this job and made this move on the spur of the moment, and that's not like me at all. I like to have a plan, I like to know what I'm getting into. Should I have branched out more? Should I be somewhere else forging a new path for myself? Did I take a wrong turn somewhere that somehow led me here, and if I did, how will I get back on track? So many questions and no answers. I see myself not being satisfied in my professional life and my personal life and I don't know what to do about it. I don't know how to fix it. What dreams do I chase and what ones do I lay to rest? When can I stop being afraid of the unkown and learn to embrace the here and now? I don't know....

How much is enough?

How much hurt is enough? I'll always love him. There are too many good memories there to just write him off as an unloving, unfeeling, giant jerk...but really, how much of the awfulness can I take. When he calls and says those awful things to me it hurts, but I believe in loving people unconditionally, so where does that leave me? Hovering somewhere between hatred and love...sorrow and empathy...part of me wants to run to him and grab him and just hold him until he stops being not so nice...and the other part of me just wants to run...

In Terms of Love

Okay so just when I think things are getting easier, they start getting harder....I've been thinking about the breakup a lot lately, and while I miss him, I don't miss the fights, I don't miss the wondering, I don't miss the insecurities that came with that relationship....do I wish things were different? Sure I do, I wish that this didn't hurt and I wish he wanted to make it work and I wish he loved me the way he should, but wishing doesn't change anything, so I gotta stand up and move on. Forget about all the hurt and pain, and just move on.

What do you think?

"One day you're going to wake up and realize how much you truly love her- And when that day comes, she'll be waking up next to the man who already knew."
I saw this and it made me think....

Memories...

think it's the memories that are hardest to deal with...we really had some great moments together...some really, really wonderful times...when he was sweet and darned near perfect...and sometimes I wish I could forget those times...the way he would come up behind me when I was in the kitchen cooking and kiss me and tell me he loved me...or the laughter...or just at his house watching stupid movies...or the jokes...or the times when I really thought he was the one...that he was it for me...the way he loved my family as much as he loved me...I guess I have to learn to forget those for now, or at least focus on the not so good memories so that I remember why we're not supposed to be together...it's getting easier...it's hurting less and less...and I have great people around me who love and support me and who are helping me through this not so great time in my life...I have so much to be thankful for...I'm learning so much about myself and about who I am and who I deserve...there's a quote that I heard the other day, and I just love it "You've got to put roots down somewhere...but first, you have to find the right garden." that's so true...I guess even though he seemed to be a really great garden, he wasn't the right one, so now I'll move on and do a little garden hunting ;)

Confusion...

So...of course I still love him...that's inevitable right? I miss him like crazy...I wonder if it will always feel like this...and I'm confused...part of me wants things to go back to before we broke up...but then again I know that things weren't good then....things were great in the beginning and then something happened and we started to slowly fall apart...was it all his fault? No, of course not...I pushed too hard and he pulled too far away...would I change things if I could go back? Maybe, but I don't know, I'm learning a lot about myself right now...and I kinda like that...Would things be different 5 years from now? Maybe,I don't know...just a little confused now....it'll sort itself out soon....

Pieces...

Rascal Flatts pretty much sums it up with this song...
From the moment that we met
My world was turned around, upside down
To some degree I still regret my memory
For keeping you aroundBoy, I thought that you were mine
But my broken heart’s been shattered
One too many times (we broke up 4 times...how stupid was I to keep going back?)
Chorus And I don’t wanna see you anymoreI’m just not that strongI love it when you’re here (it IS nice to see him...hear from him...)
But I’m better when you’re gone (but it hurts less when he stays away)
I’m certain that I’ve givenAnd oh how you can take ( he taught me that relationships have to be equal...you both have to love)
There’s no use in you lookin’
There’s nothin’ left for you to break
Baby, please release me
Let my heart rest in pieces, in pieces
Someone let you down again
So you turn to me, your convenient friend (or you're drunk and want to chat....)
Oh, but I know what you’re doin’ and what you hope to find
I’ve seen it a thousand times
All the fire we had before
Are now just bitter ashes
Left scattered on the floor
We both know that you don’t need me
Let my heart rest in pieces, in pieces
Let it rest