This is the post I've been trying to write for over a year.
This is the post I've avoided writing for over a year.
I have written and rewritten it in the shower, at stoplights, and in line at the grocery store. But I never get it right...I can't seem to get it all put together the way I want. I don't want to seem weak, I don't want to struggle, I don't want to admit that I'm so terribly lost. I'm afraid for those around me to see what I'm feeling because I don't know how they'll respond. So...I've decided to quit trying for perfection and just write...here goes nothing.
Since February of 2014 I have had four positive pregnancy tests and four miscarriages. The latest occurred right before Thanksgiving this year and, in many ways, it was the most devastating. My first loss was in March 2014 and I thought, along with my previous doctor, that this was just "one of those things." So, our next pregnancy seemed more hopeful...until it wasn't. In August 2014, a second pregnancy ended too early, but I felt encouraged because I switched doctors and I felt like we had a good game plan. Then the third loss in December 2014 ended with a referral to a specialist. Hallelujah! We thought we were finally on the right track. Surely NOW we had it all figured out. We began seeing our specialist in January but because of my PCOS, we faced hurdles every month and were only able to try to get pregnant three times in 2015. It finally worked in November...until it didn't. Our fourth loss has me reeling with devastation and fear and doubt. Unlike the losses before, I'm unable to find hope here. Instead, I'm questioning our path, questioning God, questioning myself.
What does this all mean? Why are we continually told no? We are emotionally, spiritually, and financially exhausted. The visits to the doctor (4 hours away), the shots, medication, mood swings...it all feels like a mountain that grows faster than we can hike. For me, this pressure bleeds into my everyday life. I know that friendships have suffered because some days it's all I can do to make it to lunch without crying. It's a constant struggle to keep a smile on my face when I'm worried about what's going to happen this cycle or if we should even keep trying. I know I suffer in silence because I won't allow others in, but I don't know how. The topic of miscarriage and infertility is so hard to identify with. I have so many friends that are walking this journey, but even our stories vary so much. It's just impossible to really understand the road someone is walking and I honestly don't have the energy to explain it most days...but today I'll try.
Every day I wake up and my first thought is "I'm broken." I am fundamentally flawed to the point that my body will not perform the most basic act it was designed to preform. Then, I spend the rest of my day throwing up prayers that vary from asking for help for a particular cycle issue to help in making it through my first class without crying. I obsess over blood test results and medical research. I dread looking at the calendar because every month holds an anniversary of some devastation or another. If you see me and I look like a zombie, trust me...I feel like one, too.
Some days are better than others. Some days are hell. And, as I start 2016 I don't know how to feel. Last year, I remember looking ahead to 2015 and seeing such hope and excitement because I thought 2014 was pretty much rock bottom, but 2015 had its own share of challenges. I'm not sure where I go from here, but, because I think these stories of loss and the navigation of those losses are important, I want to share our story. I used to look at others who had suffered losses and think, "that's not as bad as my story," or "wow...her story makes mine seem like a cake walk." But, the truth is, all of our stories are painful and gut wrenching and devastating and eventually beautiful. I think, though, that often they're not told because we fear judgement for our raw emotions or we think it's not appropriate to discuss this type of pain. My resolution this year is to share our journey and whatever it may hold because we aren't the only ones suffering and there is comfort in sharing our pain with others.
Buckle up...it's going to be a bumpy ride.
1 comment:
Sharing is healing and I'm thankful that for 2016 you have chosen to share. Some days the best goal that you can set for yourself is to get to the next minute and consider each day a success when you've reached that goal. Taking things one day at a time is difficult for us mere mortals who want to control the outcome of our lives, believe me, I fall under this category. It's hard for me to "let go and let God", I try some days and I'm rarely successful because inevitably I take the control right back. But no matter how much control I think I have, the reality is I don't have any real control. Because I believe, because I know that I have a Heavenly Father, I have a Savior that died on the cross for me and a Holy Spirit who dwells within my very being makes me also know that that is where where the real control lies. My head tells me I can control my life but my spirit tells me I'm a fool for thinking that. So my goal for 2016 is to listen more to my spirit and less to my head. No matter how unhappy I may be with my present circumstance I'm going to trust the One with the real control no matter what. I'm blessed beyond measure and I will have to find peace with that with His help each day. Now, I've shared a bit of my struggle with you, even though vague as to the struggle, I feel better. So share away with us, know that we love you just as you are, you help make our family complete. Know that I pray for you each day. I pray that your hearts desires will be fulfilled and I pray that God gives you peace for the day, I pray that you find joy in each day. Know that I love you and I'm always hear to listen. Aunt Tam
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