Back to God

I’ve lost my keys a few times. I’ve lost cell phones, phone numbers, and library books. I’ve even lost my mind once or twice. But I’ve never lost a baby.

I WOULDN’T lose a baby.

A baby is not a thing you toss on the counter when you walk in the door. A baby isn’t something you lose and forget about until you need it again. A baby isn’t something so easily misplaced or replaced. Because it’s a baby.

So, a week ago, when there was no longer a heartbeat where one was just twelve days earlier, the phrase “she lost the baby,” kept running through my head. I didn’t lose a baby. I wouldn’t have.

Not after years of trying to have another baby would I have lost it. Not after the elation and surprise we felt at becoming pregnant just weeks before we had a visit scheduled with a fertility specialist.

After all of that, no, I wouldn’t have lost a baby.

So, instead, I’ll say I just gave a baby back to God. A baby that, biologically, wasn’t able to survive in this world. And I get that, I really do. I get that there were things that didn’t line up the way there were supposed to and, for whatever reason, this baby wasn’t meant to be here. I understand that…but it still hurts.

I’ve yet to make it a full day without crying, but I hope a tearless day is on the horizon. I’ve laughed since it happened, I’ve teased my husband, I’ve played games, I’ve been “okay.” But sometimes I’m not. Because this was bigger than a death in my family…this was a death in me. A death of someone I never got to meet but loved fiercely. A death of dreams for someone I'll never get to hold.

And because of that death, I feel discouraged and upset and sad and hopeful and scared and crazy and determined and resentful. But I also feel determined to be faithful because, honestly, I’m not sure I could make it through each day if I didn’t have faith that God has this baby…and he has another one to give us.

We were called to follow a path of faithfulness, not a path of ease. So, today is hard, but not as hard as yesterday. And tonight, I can rest easily in the knowledge that I didn’t lose a baby, I just gave a baby back to God.