Today I am Thankful

Man is fond of counting his troubles, but he does not count his joys. If he counted them up as he ought to, he would see that every lot has enough happiness provided for it.
~Fyodor Dostoevsky

Today I am thankful.

I am proud of the daughter my parents raised, and I am proud of the years we shared together. I am so thankful for the guidance they've given me...for the heart and determination they've instilled in me...and for the love they've always shown me.

I am blessed by the man who chose to marry me. I am astonished each day by his grace, his patience and his unconditional love. God saw something between A and I long before I ever did, and I'm thankful He never stopped trying to show it to me.

I rejoice in the smaller things in life, too. The noticeable change in the air as summer fades to fall. The feel of cold sheets on my skin. The slight squeezes A gives my hand when we're walking. The smell of my mother's perfume. The sound of my father laughing at his own jokes. These things bring me joy. They bring me joy, peace and laughter. These things are what life is really about.

I sometimes dwell too much on the things that frighten me, but today I wanted to dwell on my happiness. Sometimes I am so caught up in worrying about what might be or what might never be that I forget to stop and count my blessings. I forget that my worries are not productive. I forget that God has it all under control, and the last thing He needs is my advice and my concerns.

Today I am thankful.

Happily Ever After is a Beautiful Place to Be

I haven't written since November 11.

Maybe because I liked coming to my blog...having others come to my blog...to read about the wonderful creature who went to heaven that day.

Maybe it was because I was moving, interviewing, teaching, planning a wedding...all without her to call to share it with...and I didn't have time or energy to devote to my blog.

Maybe it was because I didn't know how to sort out my emotions for myself, let alone to you.

Whatever the reason, I'm back...newly wed, newly employed...but still the circus you remember...there are just more rings now.

This is a funny place to be...this newlyweddedness...it's exciting and scary, comfortable and complicated...it's an interesting place...

I've waited twenty-five years for this wonderful man to come into my life, and thank God he did...but bless his heart, I'm not sure he knew what he was getting into.

I am, by his own declaration, fiercely independent, stubborn to a fault and sometimes violently emotional...and yet he willingly married me...he willingly put himself, quite often, in the line of fire...all in the name of love.

He is patient and kind...and he balances out my compulsiveness, and I'm so blessed he chose me.

But it's hard to be here sometimes...not because I'm not happy, not because I'm not in love...because I am...I'm also a little sad...a little sad that I'm growing up, a little sad that I didn't achieve the things I thought I would...

Unless you're a new reader, you know how much my parents mean to me, and let me tell you, that walk down the aisle was one of the most difficult things I've ever done. Not because I didn't want to get married, but because I didn't want to be given away...and while I know that I'm always their little girl, that walk was symbolic...my childhood is over...I'm growing up, and so are they...and frankly, I don't like it. I have wonderful, beautiful, funny parents and I want to share so much with them, but this getting older thing means I have less time...and I hate that.

I do, though, love my job as a teacher. It's challenging and rewarding, exciting and emotionally fulfilling...but it's also not what I thought I'd be doing. I wanted to lobby for agriculturists, I wanted to write the next bestseller, I wanted to change the world...I look at S and L and R and C...they are making the impact I always thought I would be making...I'm so proud of them...they do their jobs so well, and they are such an inspiration to me and to others. But somehow I feel like I haven't fulfilled my potential, I haven't achieved enough, I haven't done enough...and for me...that's a hard pill to swallow...

So I'm adjusting to this new phase of my life...I love him, I love us...and despite my fears and my overwhelming emotions, happily ever after is a beautiful place to be.

My Grandma

Today is a day that I never thought would come.

That might have been a little naive of me, but I thought that if anyone could defy death, it would be her.

I'm not sure how to put my emotions into words right now, but I'll try.

Everyone who ever met her was touched. She had crystal blue eyes and an easy laugh. She loved listening to Christmas music...even in July. Her touch could heal anything from the chicken pox to a broken heart. She taught me to drive, to cook, to appreciate early morning sunrises and to be thankful for what you have. She taught me about God, family and strength. The world was a better place because she was in it.

I was so fortunate to call her Grandma, and even more fortunate to call her friend.

She passed away about 4 hours ago and I'm still processing it. It's as if there were two of her. I'm at peace with the fact that the frail woman struggling to breathe in that hospital bed is gone, but I'll never recover from losing my friend, my partner in crime, my teacher, my rock...my Grandma.

Bad Jobs, Bad Boyfriends and Bad Haircuts...

How do other people survive without friends like mine?

I'm constantly aware of the near-perfect group of friends that I have, but there are times when their greatness is more prevalent than others.

I recently celebrated my 25th birthday and an engagement, and I was so very lucky to be able to celebrate with the people I love most; my fiance' and my beautiful, funny friends.

There was a moment during the evening of good food and drink and conversation when I just sat back and looked at the people that surrounded me. The handsome man beside me who has so bravely decided to love me forever, and the beautiful friends who understand what a circus I am, and love me for it anyway.

These are the friends that I call when I'm happy, when I'm sad or when I just need to laugh so hard I cry.

I am constantly amazed by their generosity, their grace, their humor and their unconditional love.

God has blessed me so wonderfully and so beautifully and I thank Him everyday for giving me people who love me even when I have mascara streaming down my face and smoke coming out of my ears.

My friends keep me sane, they keep me grounded and they keep me laughing through the good times and the bad.

I don 't have to name you all, you know who you are...and you should also know how much I love you, but in case I don't tell you enough...thank you for loving me through bad jobs, bad boyfriends and bad haircuts...I promise I'll make it up to you someday...

I light up

I've spent the better part of 24...almost 25 years searching for my lobster and there was a time in my life when I thought I'd found him. In fact, I was sure he was it...if he would just change the way he spoke to me...or if he could just be there for me when I needed him to...or if I could get him to understand how important my career is to me...or if he...well, you get the picture.

I spent 3 years trying to fit him into my plan...into God's plan...and I never understood why it wasn't working. Part of it might have been that I was doing all the relationship work on my own...but the other, bigger part was that it just wasn't right. And really, I think I knew that. In the back of my mind, I knew if I could just give up on him...on us...then God would answer my prayers and send me the man I needed...but I was stubborn...and more than a little scared. But when I finally let go, when I finally realized the man I thought was my lobster was merely an imitation, my real lobster walked through my door.

And slowly, but surely, God has shown me that I don't have to compromise. He has shown me that I can have all I ever wanted...and so much more. It's unbelievable to me to think I lived so long without the tenderness I have now. It's even more unbelievable to think I was willing to live without it forever.

My new lobster...my perfect lobster...is so much more than I could have ever dreamed I wanted or deserved. He takes care of me...he listens to me...he wants me to be happy...and I'm so very happy with him...

And he says I light up the room when I walk in...what he doesn't realize is, I light up because he's there when I walk through the door...

I call him Daddy

I'm a daddy's girl.

My entire life, I've believed that no matter what was wrong or what I needed fixed, my daddy could do it. From broken toys to broken hearts, my daddy could make anything all better again. He's never let me down. He's always been there with a smile, a word of encouragement and a hug so big and strong that I felt like nothing could ever hurt me again. He's been my life-long hero, my loudest and proudest supporter and the man I've compared every guy I ever dated to.

He was never the dad that came home from work and plopped into a chair. He did dishes, laundry, cooked dinner and always found time for me and my mom. He took care of me when I was sick...staying up with me all night when I had the chicken pox as a kid...and in college, when I had my tonsils out, he stayed with me all night and woke me up every three hours to give me my medicine...in a shot glass.

One of my very favorite memories of him is from the summer after I graduated high school. He and I took a road trip...just the two of us...to Henrietta, Oklahoma (home of Troy Aikman, if you didn't know). We were on the hunt for a few good sows...or at least a reprieve from everyday life. We stayed in a charming hotel...and by charming I mean I wouldn't walk around without socks on and I refused to drink the water. But it was one of the most amazing trips of my life.

We both knew that this was my last trip with him before I went off to chase my dreams, and I remember silently crying on the way back home because I didn't ever want to grow up and not be his little girl.

And here I am...grown up...or something like it...and I'm proud to say I'm still his little girl. I'm still stubborn and impatient and pretty sure I'm always right...all traits my mom says daddy gave me...and that makes me proud.

And I pray every night that a man like him comes into my life and wants to love me half as much as he loves my mom...and if not, then I'm happy knowing that I've already found my perfect man...I call him daddy.

I'm still Cinderella

I'm not sure how to explain how I'm feeling right now.

I'm so happy and scared and confused and sad and unsure and angry and frustrated and alone. And I'm so tired.

I'm tired of everyone elses lives just falling into place so perfectly while mine constantly looks like a train wreck. And is it my fault? What did I do to end up in a life with so many road bumps?

It was supposed to be so easy...graduate high school...graduate college...find a great job...get married...have babies...live happily ever after.

But instead, I graduated from high school...graduated from college...fell in love, but it fell apart...4 times...got a job that I didn't hate, but didn't love...and I'm well on my way to being a professional wedding planner...where did I go wrong?

Granted, things are looking up in my professional life, but just when that gets all worked out, everything falls apart.

I'm tired of coming home alone every night.

I'm tired of being the lonely girl.

And yes, readers, I know...I have so much to be thankful for. I have great family and super friends. But at night...when it gets quiet...I'm still alone.

And everyone else has their fairy tale ending and I'm still Cinderella.

I'll think about that tomorrow

"You can't ride two horses with one ass, Sugarbean." ~Sweet Home Alabama~

I'm not sure when it happened, or why it happened for that matter, but at some moment in the last two months...my life became a movie...cue the lights...roll the credits...Whitney's riding two horses with one ass and it's a helluva show...

And I'm the star.

And I'm not Bridget Jones enough to find a fine British gent to rescue me.

And I'm not Elle Woods enough to bluff my way out of it.

And I'm not Cinderella enough to believe that Prince Charming is the guy holding the glass slipper.

Nope.

Not me.

I'm more of the Scarlett O'Hara character...I'll think about all this drama surrounding me tomorrow...never you mind that Tara's about to burst into flames and I've buried 2 husbands, 2 parents and my only child and my sweet Rhett is running out the door. No, no...I'll think about it tomorrow.

But tomorrow's closing in on me and I still don't have a solution. And really, I'm no closer to a solution than I was yesterday...or the day before yesterday.

I'm just as confused and scared and unsure as I was when I saddled up those two horses. And my ass is getting sore. And I gotta pick a horse to finish the race with. And I gotta do it quick.

But I'll think about that tomorrow.

What else could a girl ever need?

I know I've said it before, but I think I need to say it again.

I'm the luckiest girl in the world. God saw something so special in me that He decided to give me to two of the most kind, loving, funny and smart people in the world. I'm not sure what I did, or what I'll ever do, to deserve to be their daughter, but I'm sure glad I did it.

My parents have loved me and supported me through everything I've ever done. From pigtails to pig shows, they were always there for me. My own personal cheering section. They had hugs and smiles for a job done well, and they shared tears and disappointment when things didn't end up the way I'd hoped they would.

They've always trusted my judgement, and they've molded me into the strong woman I am today. But they've also always made sure I knew that if I needed a soft place to fall, their arms were always open to me.

I've never felt like I couldn't talk to them about something, though many times I do keep things to myself. It's not because I don't trust them, it's simply part of my personality. Really, it's a testament to them and how they've raised me to be so independent.

But there are times when I don't know what to do. When I'm faced with a situation so confusing and scary and unknown that all I want is my mommy. And she's always there. Day or night. She's just a phone call away and she's there for me when I just want to talk. She gives me her special pep-talk and helps me laugh the tears away.

And then she hands the phone to Daddy.

And Daddy always makes me laugh. He always has a calm, level-headed perspective and he always tells me that I'm his little girl and that he'll always love me.

And really, what else could a girl ever need?

I pray

I sit here with tears streaming down my face.

I stumbled upon some of the MySpace pages of the victims of the VT shooting.

Written on those pages are comments from friends and family. Many are dated sometime on the day of the shooting. Frantic requests that their loved ones call them and let them know that they're okay. Their friends and families had no way of knowing that their son or daughter or best friend was already gone.

The more recent comments are words of love and thankfulness and sadness, and I can't help but wonder, what kind of life am I living?

Am I living the life that I want to be remembered for?

Am I being the person God wants me to be?

Would my friends and family be able to say the same things about me?

I have so many questions, which is really nothing new for me...but my heart is hurting.

I ache for the families and friends and classmates of the victims, and I pray for them daily.

But I pray for me, too.

I pray for my friends. I pray for my family. I pray for strength. I pray for guidance. I pray for vision. I pray for grace...

I pray.

And I cried

I will never leave you, nor forsake you
Hebrews 13: 5


I sit here listening as officials attempt to explain what happened yesterday on the campus of Virginia Tech. Their words are meant to comfort those who are reeling from the tragic events of yesterday. They are trying to explain their actions; they are trying to justify the steps that they took.

And I sit here and wonder.

I can't help but think of the families of the victims and wonder what they hear when these officials speak. I wonder if these explanations sound empty and cold. There is nothing that a police chief or a president of a university or a secretary of state can say that will allow a mother to hold her child again. That will bring a father home to his children. That will ease the pain of this tremendous loss.

I imgaine that the only comfort these families will eventually find, is comfort in their faith. Faith that tells them their loved one is in the arms of God and that they no longer feel pain. Faith that opens their hearts to healing. Faith that allows tears to fall, with the knowledge that one day it will get better. Faith that God never forsakes us, never leaves us and always has His hand on our hearts.

Yesterday was a bad day for me. I sort of lost myself in the minor tragedies of my own life, but as I was saying my prayers last night, I realized how much I had to be thankful for. I knew that the families of those killed yesterday would give anything to have the minor problems I sulked about all day, instead of the ones of funeral arrangements and burial plots. And I felt a little stupid. And I felt a little selfish. And I felt a lot sad.

And I cried.

Talk amongst yourselves...

Is he still The One if he wins by process of elimination?

That is all...talk amongst yourselves...post some messages below...and we'll see how it shakes out....