"We make our world significant by the courage of our questions and by the depth of our answers." Carl Sagan
I found this today, and I fell in love with it.
Those of you who know me well know that I question everything, and recently I've questioned the fact that I'm a questioner.
Does it mean that I have no faith? Does it mean that I'm never satisfied? Does it mean that I search too hard for an answer, when I should really just relax and let it all play out?
But I read the quote, and I started thinking. You know, my questioning nature is really a gift that I've been given. It allows me to gain a deeper and more beautiful understanding of myself and those around me.My questioning allows me to be sure of what I want and what I need and what I dont. My questioning allows me to know why I believe what I believe. My questioning makes me more confident in myself and my beliefs; it gives me peace of mind...and as Carl Sagan said, it makes me courageous...and I like that...thanks, Carl.
Friday, August 11, 2006
Thursday, August 10, 2006
Grandma's Wisdom
So my trip home last night was everything I hoped it would be. My Grandma and I have always been incredibly close, and I've always known she was wise and had great advice to share, but last night on the way back home, we had one of the greatest conversations ever.
We talked about everything from the wackiness in our family, to death, to how to not choose a husband that's not, and I quote, "a shit-ass," like some of my other family members have done...
My Grandma is my hero for so many reasons. She's most definitely the toughest broad I know, and the kindest, funniest, most loving Grandmother I've ever met. Her love for her family is unconditional, she didn't even flinch when she found out about my tattoo, she just smiled and told me how pretty it was. She's most proud of the bumper-sticker on the back of her van that says she's a Texas Tech Grandmother, and swears that that's the only way people in her town of 300 know it's her when she drives by.
And last night, when we had our little talk, she made me feel so much more at ease about everything that's going on in my life. She's a very honest, very frank woman, and I've never appreciated that more about her than I did last night.
And apparently she raised her son to be very much like her.
Daddy and I drove her home last night, so he and I had 30 minutes of uninterrupted father-daughter time as we drove back to town to discuss everything from the wackiness in our family, to death, to why it's best to find someone that's you can live with instead of someone who looks good, because in his words, "Everyone looks ugly when they get old."
I am so incredibly blessed to be raised in a family like mine.
God must have big things in store for me if he chose to give me to them.
We talked about everything from the wackiness in our family, to death, to how to not choose a husband that's not, and I quote, "a shit-ass," like some of my other family members have done...
My Grandma is my hero for so many reasons. She's most definitely the toughest broad I know, and the kindest, funniest, most loving Grandmother I've ever met. Her love for her family is unconditional, she didn't even flinch when she found out about my tattoo, she just smiled and told me how pretty it was. She's most proud of the bumper-sticker on the back of her van that says she's a Texas Tech Grandmother, and swears that that's the only way people in her town of 300 know it's her when she drives by.
And last night, when we had our little talk, she made me feel so much more at ease about everything that's going on in my life. She's a very honest, very frank woman, and I've never appreciated that more about her than I did last night.
And apparently she raised her son to be very much like her.
Daddy and I drove her home last night, so he and I had 30 minutes of uninterrupted father-daughter time as we drove back to town to discuss everything from the wackiness in our family, to death, to why it's best to find someone that's you can live with instead of someone who looks good, because in his words, "Everyone looks ugly when they get old."
I am so incredibly blessed to be raised in a family like mine.
God must have big things in store for me if he chose to give me to them.
Wednesday, August 9, 2006
The future
To be frank, it scares the hell out of me, mainly because I'm the kind of girl who reads the last page of a book before she starts it. That way I can handle any turmoil the characters face because I know everything will be okay in the end. I sort of wish my life were like that. I wish God would hand me the last page to my story and say see, Whit, everything will turn out okay, don't worry about what happens in the middle.
That being said, here's how I think the story of your life is written. God gives you the beginning and the end and YOU get to decide what happens in the middle. And, you get to decide if you want God's ending...or a different, less happy one.
Because God gives us the future.
He hands it to us as a neatly wrapped gift, and it is ours to open and shape and mold the way we want to. And the cool thing is, even if we get started and decide we don't like what's happening, we can change it. We can fix it. It might be hard...it might be EXTREMELY hard, but it can be done. And those people that choose not to fix it, not to take their future and make it into something they want and something they love and something they know God would be proud of are weak.
You see, we have a perfect story written for us, and God could have let us live that perfect story, but what would that mean for us? We would never face anything difficult, we would never learn how to jump back up after a fall, we would never appreciate the beautiful things God has given us if we didn't have to deal with the ugly ones first. So God gave us direction, he pointed us on our way and gave us our very own pen and paper to write whatever we wanted.
We are our own editors, we can choose how our story plays out, and if we decide we don't like where it's headed, we can change it; we should change it...it's never too late.
That being said, here's how I think the story of your life is written. God gives you the beginning and the end and YOU get to decide what happens in the middle. And, you get to decide if you want God's ending...or a different, less happy one.
Because God gives us the future.
He hands it to us as a neatly wrapped gift, and it is ours to open and shape and mold the way we want to. And the cool thing is, even if we get started and decide we don't like what's happening, we can change it. We can fix it. It might be hard...it might be EXTREMELY hard, but it can be done. And those people that choose not to fix it, not to take their future and make it into something they want and something they love and something they know God would be proud of are weak.
You see, we have a perfect story written for us, and God could have let us live that perfect story, but what would that mean for us? We would never face anything difficult, we would never learn how to jump back up after a fall, we would never appreciate the beautiful things God has given us if we didn't have to deal with the ugly ones first. So God gave us direction, he pointed us on our way and gave us our very own pen and paper to write whatever we wanted.
We are our own editors, we can choose how our story plays out, and if we decide we don't like where it's headed, we can change it; we should change it...it's never too late.
Monday, August 7, 2006
Insanely happy...
Do you know what makes me insanely happy? Seeing a really, really beautiful girl with an equally repulsive guy.
And I'll tell you why.
That means, that somewhere out there, searching for the love of his life...is a really, really beautiful man without a mate. And lucky for him, I'm free.
And I'll tell you why.
That means, that somewhere out there, searching for the love of his life...is a really, really beautiful man without a mate. And lucky for him, I'm free.
Thursday, August 3, 2006
It's okay
After every tornado, there's a time to sift through the debris, to clean up, to salvage what can be saved and throw away what's too damaged to repair.
Then there's the grieving and anger period. The intense and utter sadness that is accompanied by feelings of hate and misunderstanding; of pain and of loss; of shock and sometimes shame at not taking cover, or running earlier to save yourself from the damage that you had surely been warned about.
And then there's the rebuilding period. There's the moment when you wake up and you realize, it's time to rebuild. It's time to take what you saved from the wreckage and decide on a place for it. Maybe it hangs in the foyer of your new home, or maybe it eventually ends up in the next garage sale. Maybe you pack it away in a box and promise yourself not to open it again until you're stronger, or maybe you just throw it away and replace it with something new.
One day you wake up and realize it's okay to hold on to some things, but better to let some things go. It's okay to hold on to the happy things, but the bad ones can blow away with the storm.
One day you wake up and realize it's okay to be happy. It's okay to be without him.
Then there's the grieving and anger period. The intense and utter sadness that is accompanied by feelings of hate and misunderstanding; of pain and of loss; of shock and sometimes shame at not taking cover, or running earlier to save yourself from the damage that you had surely been warned about.
And then there's the rebuilding period. There's the moment when you wake up and you realize, it's time to rebuild. It's time to take what you saved from the wreckage and decide on a place for it. Maybe it hangs in the foyer of your new home, or maybe it eventually ends up in the next garage sale. Maybe you pack it away in a box and promise yourself not to open it again until you're stronger, or maybe you just throw it away and replace it with something new.
One day you wake up and realize it's okay to hold on to some things, but better to let some things go. It's okay to hold on to the happy things, but the bad ones can blow away with the storm.
One day you wake up and realize it's okay to be happy. It's okay to be without him.
Tuesday, August 1, 2006
Rainbows...
L is smart.
Today she said something to me that will stay with me for the rest of my life; "Anything amazingly wonderful comes with a little bit of pain."
When she said this, she was referring to child-birth, but this really hit a chord with me, and I thought back to all of the amazingly wonderful events in my life. My first day of kindergarten, my first day behind the wheel of my truck, the day my parents left me at college...all of those things were, at the time, incredibly difficult and scary for me, and yes, a little painful, but they ended up being so beautiful, so worthwhile, and so important. Those events shaped me and molded me into the kickass girl I am today. Without them, I wouldn't be able to see the beauty in the really great times in my life. Even the heartbreaks turned into something beautiful. The person I am today is the rainbow after the tornado. There are times when those heartbreaks still sting, when I'm still picking up debris from my personal tornado, but for the most part, this rainbow is vibrant and strong...beautiful and bright...reaching toward her pot of gold at the end...
Today she said something to me that will stay with me for the rest of my life; "Anything amazingly wonderful comes with a little bit of pain."
When she said this, she was referring to child-birth, but this really hit a chord with me, and I thought back to all of the amazingly wonderful events in my life. My first day of kindergarten, my first day behind the wheel of my truck, the day my parents left me at college...all of those things were, at the time, incredibly difficult and scary for me, and yes, a little painful, but they ended up being so beautiful, so worthwhile, and so important. Those events shaped me and molded me into the kickass girl I am today. Without them, I wouldn't be able to see the beauty in the really great times in my life. Even the heartbreaks turned into something beautiful. The person I am today is the rainbow after the tornado. There are times when those heartbreaks still sting, when I'm still picking up debris from my personal tornado, but for the most part, this rainbow is vibrant and strong...beautiful and bright...reaching toward her pot of gold at the end...
Thursday, July 27, 2006
That's what the experts say...
Your memory is a monster; you forget - it doesn't. It simply files things away. It keeps things for you, or hides things from you - and summons them to your recall with a will of its own. You think you have a memory; but it has you! John Irving
John Irving is one of my favorite authors...look him up...he's got good stuff, but let's get to the point, his quote. It's true. Your memory is a bit like a monster. Memories of days gone by, or love lost, or promises broken can sneak up on you at the strangest times. Just when you thought you'd forgotten the good, the bad or whatever...your memory brings it up at the grocery store, or in your car, or at the mall, or when you're getting your nails done. Suddenly, you're forced to remember. You have no choice. It's playing like a movie with no stop button. It plays over and over for a while. You beg yourself to forget, but it's impossible. Your memory found this clip and it won't let go. So you're forced to endure, forced to be taken back to a time you're not sure you want to be in. Forced to remember how he smells, how he feels, and how he left. Forced to remember how he made you smile, and how he made you cry. Forced to relive the butterflies and the heartbreak. You have no choice. Your memory took you here and it won't let you go.
Why is it, you think, that our memory betrays us? Does it know something we don't? Is it trying to show us something we missed? Should we pay closer attention this time through, catch more details? Would that make us understand more? Or is the lesson deeper, something we'll not understand until the memories are accepted. Something not fully grasped until we realize these memories aren't meant to hurt us. They're simply moments in time with someone we love, moments that may sting now, but surely moments we'll someday treasure.
At least that's what the experts say...
John Irving is one of my favorite authors...look him up...he's got good stuff, but let's get to the point, his quote. It's true. Your memory is a bit like a monster. Memories of days gone by, or love lost, or promises broken can sneak up on you at the strangest times. Just when you thought you'd forgotten the good, the bad or whatever...your memory brings it up at the grocery store, or in your car, or at the mall, or when you're getting your nails done. Suddenly, you're forced to remember. You have no choice. It's playing like a movie with no stop button. It plays over and over for a while. You beg yourself to forget, but it's impossible. Your memory found this clip and it won't let go. So you're forced to endure, forced to be taken back to a time you're not sure you want to be in. Forced to remember how he smells, how he feels, and how he left. Forced to remember how he made you smile, and how he made you cry. Forced to relive the butterflies and the heartbreak. You have no choice. Your memory took you here and it won't let you go.
Why is it, you think, that our memory betrays us? Does it know something we don't? Is it trying to show us something we missed? Should we pay closer attention this time through, catch more details? Would that make us understand more? Or is the lesson deeper, something we'll not understand until the memories are accepted. Something not fully grasped until we realize these memories aren't meant to hurt us. They're simply moments in time with someone we love, moments that may sting now, but surely moments we'll someday treasure.
At least that's what the experts say...
Sigh
So how do you know when someone's THE ONE. Now, I know that some people don't believe in there just being ONE person, but I do. I have to believe that when God created me, He had someone in mind for me to end up with. Since I was a little girl, I have prayed to God that He watch over and protect and guide my forever guy and I continue to pray for that. But my question is...how do I know when I find him? It's not like we have a code word that we can whisper to each other and know for sure that we've chosen the right life partner. Becuase, sure...I believe there's ONE guy out there for me, but I'm human...what if I screw up...or what if the person I think is the ONE is just the ONE in sheep's clothing...I'm so ready to find him, I'm so ready to embark on that part of my life...I want the house and the picket fence and the 3.2 kids and the dogs barking...and the truth is, I could have settled long ago for that, but it was with the wrong guy. Why is it so easy to know when it's wrong but so much harder to know when it's right? So many questions...and no answers..*sigh*
Monday, July 24, 2006
The rest will happen...right?
I didn't love her because it was right; I just loved her. The Horse Whisperer
How simple that sounds. He just loved her. No matter what. No matter how. No matter where. He loved her. He decided that God had sent her to him and he would love her and he would take care of her. She left him, but really that's another blog entirely, for our purposes, just for today, I just want to focus on those last four words. I just loved her. Wow. Think about that, how undeniably beautiful is that. It makes it so easy. That's how I want it to be. I want to just accept that I'm in love and then let the rest of it fall into place. I don't want to go into it worrying about kids and a house and a wedding, I just want to be in love and know that it's the forever kind and just go from there. Isn't that how it's supposed to be? After the falling in love part happens, the rest sort of just falls into place. Now, I'm not a total romantic. I know that relationships, by definition, require a great deal of work and dedication. But to simply be loved. To let that be it. To know that no matter what, where or when, you were loved and that that love was never going away...that's all I want...the rest will happen...right?
How simple that sounds. He just loved her. No matter what. No matter how. No matter where. He loved her. He decided that God had sent her to him and he would love her and he would take care of her. She left him, but really that's another blog entirely, for our purposes, just for today, I just want to focus on those last four words. I just loved her. Wow. Think about that, how undeniably beautiful is that. It makes it so easy. That's how I want it to be. I want to just accept that I'm in love and then let the rest of it fall into place. I don't want to go into it worrying about kids and a house and a wedding, I just want to be in love and know that it's the forever kind and just go from there. Isn't that how it's supposed to be? After the falling in love part happens, the rest sort of just falls into place. Now, I'm not a total romantic. I know that relationships, by definition, require a great deal of work and dedication. But to simply be loved. To let that be it. To know that no matter what, where or when, you were loved and that that love was never going away...that's all I want...the rest will happen...right?
Thursday, July 20, 2006
Till the pain fades...
So...my head hurts. And let me give you a rundown of the drugs I've taken today. Started off with 2 Tylenol Sinus pills, followed by 2 Advil Migraines, 2 Pain Crushers, 2 SinuTabs, 2 more Advil Migraines and 2 ValHist's...then as I was about to take my THIRD dose of Advil Migraine, I finally read the label, because clearly I was doing something wrong...it says, and I quote, "do not take more than 2 capsules in a 24 hour period." Well, crap. Do you think they could have told me that 2 doses ago??!? Yes, yes, O., I know they expect me to read the labels, but I gave up reading them in jr. high when I read on my bottle of Midol "do not take if pregnant." Really? How stupid do these drug manufacturers think I am? Now, to all of you who are now concerned about my overdose on over-the-counter medication, it is currently 3:33, and I haven't started convulsing or halucinating yet, however the headache is gone, so the moral of this story? Keep popping pills till the pain fades...
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
I'm running away to the circus
How do you think I'd do in the circus? I mean, I've been described AS a circus...someone so comical and witty and entertaining that I'm a one-woman show, but do you think I could be part of the circus? I mean, eventually I'm gonna want to branch out and do my own thing, but after today, and after my impending firing ( I've had a pretty rough day at work, if you hadn't figured it out) I'm gonna need someone to lean on for a while, and I think the circus people just might be the folks for me. Because really, I'll be the most normal of them all, and I could be their queen. They could love me and support me, and they don't have anything to do with the USDA, so I think I'd be safe there....
*it is occurring to me, that this blog will only make sense to my office mates, nevertheless, the USDA kinda sucks, and if anyone needs a girl with her ag ed degree...let me know...I may be in the market...
*it is occurring to me, that this blog will only make sense to my office mates, nevertheless, the USDA kinda sucks, and if anyone needs a girl with her ag ed degree...let me know...I may be in the market...
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
The truth is...
The truth is, it's hard to move on. It's hard to pick up the pieces of your heart and try to put it back together. It's hard to put on a happy face and pretend that it doesn't hurt.
The truth is, that song will always remind me of him, even though I haven't listened to it in five months.
The truth is, it's still hard to go to sleep at night without hearing his voice.
The truth is, he made me happy.
The truth is, I find myself still loving him, still wanting him in my life.
The truth is, I don't want to be without him, but I am.
The truth is, I thought he was the one.
The truth, is it's over.
The truth is, it's hard to move on, but I will anyway.
The truth is, that song will always remind me of him, even though I haven't listened to it in five months.
The truth is, it's still hard to go to sleep at night without hearing his voice.
The truth is, he made me happy.
The truth is, I find myself still loving him, still wanting him in my life.
The truth is, I don't want to be without him, but I am.
The truth is, I thought he was the one.
The truth, is it's over.
The truth is, it's hard to move on, but I will anyway.
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